Ghost of Mornings Past

Those nasty mornings have been coming back for Taz as of late.

First step. Stop and evaluate my reactions to see if they are making things worse... possibly...

Review:

Don't argue with him.
Empathize with how difficult mornings are:
Ask him during a good time how we might work together to make mornings better.
Then refuse to get involved in a negative way.

Don't nag. Don't preach. Let some things go and focus on the attachment not the little trivial stuff.

Second step. Look at his stage of development and see if there is some new thing going on.  He turned 16 and wants to drive. We are working on that. While he wants to I think the idea is also frightening to him so he is sabotaging. He doesn't think he can handle it.  PLUS in the fall his twin brothers will be leaving him at home as the only child. He laughs and says he loves it...does he really?

Use Dr. Becker-Weidmann's PLACE

Playful: get them out of the fight/flight/fright place he has gone back to in the mornings
Love: Give him a hug and say good morning in a loving way and remember to react out of love, not defensiveness
Attunement: Understand where his morning frustration and anger are coming from,
Curious: "I wonder" statements followed by "Oh I'm sorry" if it offends him but remain curious
Empathy: It is tough in the mornings (trust me I get this one). I know you don't like how things are going and we can work together on it. It will be all right.

If some part of your day has gone haywire and used to go pretty well. Stop and reevaluate. You can get things back on track again!

Love Letters

I am working on scrapbooks for my twin senior boys, Fish and Teddy.  I am sorting through old photos. While doing so I came across three letters, one to each boy. I wrote them 3 hours before I met them. I completely forgot I ever wrote them. I gave them to them and stood by them as they read them. They were each touched, even Teddy in his own way. I have to admit to being a little weepy. 

If you've never done it, stop and write a love letter to your kids right now. Express how you feel, how you will be with them always and that you will help them achieve their hopes and dreams. Then fold it up and put it away until they are in high school. It meant something different to each child because they are each in such a different place emotionally. Teddy asked me to put it into his scrapbook because he wants everyone to see it. He wants people to know he has a mom who loves him.

Have a healing, loving day.

Turn Your Shower Into a Spa- Really is Amazing!

http://www.parenting.com/article/turn-your-shower-into-a-spa-21354975

I read this in a magazine in a waiting room the other day. I tried it last night and it is sooooooooooo relaxing. Make sure you do it fairly close to bedtime because you won't get anything done afterwards. You'll be to mellow!

Siblings and that trauma bond

You know. THAT trauma bond. Ugh. When certain siblings remind the other of their past and all things bad, or perhaps they have just transferred much of their fear and sadness into blaming that one sibling. I actually think it may be worse than the anger they have shown to me.  So how to deal with this. And it must be dealt with because physical harm and property damage happens if it is not watched carefully.

Here are some of the things we have tried. Keep in mind we change things up often because nothing works forever.

They cannot be in the same room if an adult is not present. So if Taz walks in and Teddy is the only one there, he is to turn and walk out. Does it always happen? NO. They seek each other out intentionally when they want to fight with someone.  And why do they want to fight? Because sadness, fear, frustration, fatigue all turn into anger. It has happened for years. We work on it daily.

They are not to speak negatively of the other person to me. "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" is a phrase used often.

Have them think of two things they like about the other person every time they say a negative. They really don't like that one and often it nips the negative comments because they don't want to say anything nice about the other.

Keep activities that involve both kids short and really fun. A going for a "nature walk" and going out for a treat are two of the best activities we have done with our sons. When you are walking everyone is heading in the same direction (sort of) they can stop and explore around the lake. Sometimes we take the camera and look for things that would make neat photos.It burns off energy. If there are any problems I just say I have to be in the middle! When we go out for a treat, they are never sitting across from each other (kicking under table) or next to each other (elbows fly). These activities can be fun.

Refuse to get caught up in the drama. Just say "This has nothing to do with me. I hope you two can work it out".  That takes a lot of the fun out of it for them as they really want mom to step in and escalate things. De-escalation is an art form but it is not that tough if you just stay calm, use a calm voice and remember if it is not important just refuse to get involved.

A conversation can go like this:

Teddy: I hate Taz. He is a jerk
Me: I love Taz and I don't want to hear negative things about him
Teddy: That's because you don't know him and you don't know what he is really like.
Me: Brothers sometimes fight, but I'm his mom. I love him and I don't want to talk bad about him and you shouldn't either. It is not what families do. We are loyal.
Teddy then may go into shame, rather than guilt and hang his head and say sadly "Yesss."
Me: Remember, I am not saying you are bad. I do not think you are bad.Don't feel it in your heart. Put it back up into your head and just think "Yes. I shouldn't talk like that about family." And then go on your way!

Easy peasy.

It will be interesting to see how this trauma bond changes as they become adults. Teddy is 18 and Taz is 16 so that isn't too far away. I hope they can mend some fences, but if not, they won't have to live in the same house, which may make life much easier for both.

Humor....Ar ar.

Teddy: "You are so childish mom. We are so much more mature than you."

Me: "Thanks Teddy. Now that I'm in my 50s I don't get to hear that very often."

Teddy giggled. Teddy does not giggle.

RAD Mornings

Ick!
Awful!
Frustrating!
Horrible!
Tear inducing! (mine)

That is what our mornings used to be like. This morning was not a good morning for Taz. I think he probably slid his med (for ADHD) into another compartment rather than take it. He is 16 now. That is fine. He can live with the consequences if that is what happened. He is going to have  a frustrating day. This morning reminded me of all those horrid mornings n years gone by.

Here is what worked best for me:

I always had calming music playing quietly. Mozart is proven to change the way the brain is working and cause it to calm. I made sure it was playing before they even came out. I grew to like it.

I did not try to force anything. Trying to force the issue is feeding into the chaos and sinking them deeper into the fear mode in which they seem to awaken.

Focus on the other kids. Keep the morning pleasant for them. Don't let anything the child with RAD says or does rattle you. It's fine. Make that choice.

Keep your voice calm and your mood regulated.  Tell yourself "I've got this. I can handle anything" Look at the fear or sadness behind the behavior. Touch his arm or rub his neck gently while talking in a cheerful calm voice. You are a safe mom.

This morning I fell back into some old patterns of arguing and pushing the issue. It did not make things better and he left very wired and angry. Does that make me responsible for how his day goes? No. He chooses that. When he gets home I will let him know I'm sorry I didn't stay calm and that he was feeling so afraid this morning and didn't feel comfortable enough to talk about it. Then I will ask him what we can do for each other to make things right.

Mornings are tough to say the least. But you can do it and they will get better. This is the first rough morning we've had in a long while. It just serves to remind me of how far we have come.

Have a healing day!