Monday, January 18, 2010

We've got the Birthday Blues

I spoke too soon. That happens a lot doesn't it? We say things are going great and then they blow up in our faces.  My hubbies birthday is today. Happy Birthday Hubby! And Taz's birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday Taz!  Taz is stressed beyond words. We celebrated Taz's birthday yesterday because tomorrow is crazy busy in the evening. We went out for lunch. He didn't like the place we picked. We got him a gift. He thought there would be more. He went to youth group and punched a youth leader.....Sigh.  Tonight we will keep the focus on hubby and if he cannot handle that he will have to have to have some chores to make it up to dad.  I am taking him out for lunch tomorrow and then will be gone.



On a positive note Teddy is handling Taz having a birthday pretty well. That is normally a big trigger for him. I hope it lasts.  I look forward to the day when birthday's truly are happy for them. I believe it will happen!

14 comments:

Life's Mom said...

So you are in a birthday week too! All Life can talk about is her upcoming birthday, yet it brings her SO much anxiety. She slapped a teacher at school this past Friday. I've tried to explain the birthday trigger to her teachers, but I can tell they don't get it or think that is the current problem. I am now prescribing fits up until the b-day and see if that gets some tension out. And we are about to go swim laps. (School is out today.) I have a hunch that she will have some sort of drama and I will not get to swim my laps, but this too shall pass. Hope springs eternal. :)

Brenda said...

Misery loves company? I think pysical activity is important too. We will go to the Y.

peggysue said...

We get the birthday blues big time in November when we have three birthdays in one week plus the big buildup to Christmas beginning. ITs just nuts, and I get the 'I thought you were going to do more' than make homemade princess cupcakes, special punch, presents on the table. . . this is always special too. . . any present clearly from mom is tossed aside without a comment while DD goes into RAPTURES over so much as a pencil that anyone else gives her. She doesn't wear the clothes I give her either, just the clothes from grandma . . .

We had a bad weekend and the kids have two days off of school besides . . .I think going to the UMCA is a great idea.

Brenda said...

Peggy Sue,

I totally get the present thing. We are showing them love, which makes them afraid and so they just shove it aside trying not to feel it. I have an exercise class (Zumba) tonight that my boys wouldn't go to so they will be in the weight room while I'm in the aerobics room.

marythemom said...

Brenda,

Even though the kids are regressing right this minute (which is normal, at our house anyway, for birthdays and holidays), I wanted to thank you for your last post's assurance about older teens healing from RAD. I needed to hear that right now as our 16 yr old son (entered our home at 13.5) is majorly struggling.

Do you generally treat your children as if they are their developmental age or chronological age? I'm the only one in our home, or involved with our son's life, who thinks he would do better being treated as if he were his emotional age of 6-9 years old, because he appears to be seriously struggling while being treated as a 16-18 yr old.

I think one reason he is acting out (lying, stealing, manipulating, skipping school...) is that he feels unsafe.

Mary in TX

Jennie said...

ugh. birthdays. we stopped having big huge parties for Sissy and Aspie Boy when they got to the 3 and 4 year old party (their birthdays are a week apart so it was easier to have one party). It was just to stressful. Sissy would get the runs or puke, or both. Aspie Boy would get indignant. There would be too many gifts, too much sweets, too much noise, too much. We also were extremely selective about which parties we attended for others. I got some flack for it from family but screw that. It's just too hard for these guys! Now some cake, a handful of presents, their favorite supper and we're done. SO much nicer.

Brenda said...

Mary the mom,

When they were younger I did that. As they have become older only I do it. I don't think I can expect anyone else to at this age and I think it really needs to be a mom thing anyway. When they get out on their own in a few years the world is not going to say "Oh he is chronologically 6". But I think it is ok for them to sometimes be 6 with me as long as they are willing to get 6 yo privileges as well.

marythemom said...

Hi Brenda,

I don't need everyone to treat him that way, I just need SOMEone to back me up. Hubby thinks I'm wrong. School is starting to see some signs that I'm right, but he's only been there a short time and they're not equipped to treat him any differently anyway. Therapist is very hands off and uncommunicative with me, and if it were my choice I'd fire him (but I'm the only one who sees it as an issue). I often doubt whether it's the right thing to do in the face of so much disparagement. He's 16 chronologically and I hate the thought of giving up on him... as well as having to live with him for the next 2 or so years while he's being allowed to act this way.

Thanks for listening.
Mary

Brenda said...

Mary,

That is some tough stuff. Have you gone to Bruce Perry's site? He has a lot of info on how trauma effects the brain. Or would your husband not believe that either? I remember being at age 16 and thinking "How can I do this for 3 more years?" 19 is legal age in NE. When he turned 17 it seemed much shorter. I think facing leaving home makes them realize how scary it is going to be.

Anonymous said...

Life's Mom here - question - the school just called and Life is in ISS again. She threw a chair. How should we handle this? I hate disciplining a child for acting out when she really does not know why she is acting out. She is not ready to deal with birth mom and the birthday trigger (I've tried.) But I want to be consistent and not let her treat everyone so badly without any consequences. What would you do? Thankfully, we go to therapy this week!

marythemom said...

It's so hard to look at this grown young man and think, "he's only 6," even for me. Hubby is so focused on the fact that he'll be in the real world soon that he treats him that way. Even that wouldn't be too bad if Hubby gave him real world consequences, but basically our son is "getting away with this behavior."

Thanks for the website, but Hubby usually gets all his info from me, sorts it into his own beliefs, and goes from there. Most of the time parenting these kids is counter-intuitive and the results aren't obvious... so Hubby just doesn't get it. He's a good guy and wants to help, he just doesn't get it.

Our kids are also from Nebraska and won't graduate from high school until they are 19, but our son plans to leave the minute TX law allows (which is 18). He won't have a diploma, he claims he'll get one on his own. *sigh*

Mary in TX

Brenda said...

Life's Mom: remember your goal is attachment. I try to let school handle the consequences. I would probably just giver her time in near me until she settles back down. In itself that takes away freedom and choices from her which is a natural consequence.

Mary~I don't if you remember we stopped working on attachment officially over a year ago. I decided to just parent him at that point and I told him "We have worked on your trauma from your past. We have worked on attachment. You have shown us you are not ready. When you are ready I am here and love you. If you decide not to attach I love you anyway. We are going to now work on preparing you for adulthood." And that is what we have done for the last year. Maybe, instead, if you and husband sat down and went over what he needs to know to care for himself. Preparing a budget, filling out job applications. That sort of thing, maybe your husband would join in. They like the practical stuff.

Ursula said...

We've gotten to the point where our son enjoy's his birthday. It's been 6.5 years and I think he's enjoyed the last two. My daugther hasn't gotten there yet, but she's been a much tougher case. I have to remember that it is not up to me if they heal. They have to want it too.

Brenda said...

Ursula,

Congratulations on your child's healing! I'm really happy for you. I hope the other follows soon. I think that is an excellent point. They have to be ready. It is not all about our skill in parenting, how hard we work, how many books we read, etc. They have to be ready too. A good attachment therapist and therapuetic parenting can help them get to that point though. Along with much, much prayer.