Wednesday, December 23, 2009

So confusing

Sometimes parenting Teddy is so confusing. He is really in the up and down swing you see when attachment begins. I have always battled the issue of reading bad intentions or manipulation into his behavior even when it is not there.  He is taking a woodworking class in High School currently.  He decided his last project is my Christmas present. He began by saying "I am making you something in woodshop for Christmas."  Picture the little cartoon angel on one of my shoulders and the little red devil on the other.

Devil: "He has to make something and so he figures he might as well give it to you."
Angel: "He could have kept it or given it to a grandma and he chose you"

Then one day when he was mad he said "I am NOT giving you the thing I am making in woodshop." It is one of the days when I kept my cool and said "It is your decision."

Devil: "He always tries to hurt me and is never going to receive my love."
Angel: "Stay calm and look behind the words at what is going on. Address that."

The boys had a half day of school yesterday and met me at a local fast food place for lunch. Teddy came running in with his gift in a bag and said "Here. I cannot wait for you to open this. Your eyes are going to light up when you see this." I told him that part of growing up is learning to wait and that he should take it home and wrap it and put it under the tree.

Devil: "This gift is allabout him. He wants you to have to go on and on about him. I am going to here about this great gift daily for a month."
Angel:"Use this to attach. Accept it graciously and let him know how much you love him. Be the grown up."

These conversations go on in my head almost daily.  Please pray for me as I open his gift that I can shower him with love.


Christine said...

Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES!

I've blogged it before. It's easier (this tiny little part) when they are not attached or attaching. You know it's all manipulation. You don't even have to think about it. But when they start to attach, it is a constant juggle.

Makes my brain hurt.

SanitySrchr said...

From the outside, I can't possibly imagine the attachment struggle, but I do know how I read and juggle everything with my oldest...and just how difficult it can be. Couple that with the fact I am naturally an OVER-analyzer. I am thankful I have you, and a few like you, that are teaching me along the way.

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!

Lisa said...

Oh Yes!!!!! And what Christine said. Perfect post.

peggysue said...

I will be interested to hear how you do and what it is he made you. . . we are having some progress with attaching too, some steps forward, some steps back and I have to admit sometimes those backward steps are my fault because I have those little creatures on my shoulder whispering opposing viewpoints into my ears too. Merry Christmas to you and yours, your blog is one of the 'gifts' I was privileged to have in my life this year, it was a great help to me. Thank you.

MomInTheTrench said...

Aaaahhhh. Yes. I still get a bag-o-scraps. Little pieces of paper scribbed on or stray pieces of string. They know it's crap, and want 20 minutes of spotlight explaining what everything is supposed to be and 3 months of kudos for their "effort". Argh.

Perfect post.

Virginia said...

So, I'm not crazy to sense manipulation when B writes a touching note to me for Christmas...she tells me how lucky she is to have me (I'm not sure she believes that at all...some days I'm not sure she's lucky to have me), etc. It feels very manipulative...of course there's part of me that wants to believe that is what she belives/feels...maybe she's headed in that direction? Maybe that's what she wants to feel? Always more questions than answers it seems. Thanks for the post...couldn't be more timely...I hope you all had a Merry Christmas...

BT said...

Oh I know how those critters on our shoulders battle it out! It is soooo hard to let go of the mindset you get into when everything is consistently un-attached behaviour. The transition is hard! Your post is inspiring me to be the adult and listen to my angel 100% of the time.

Perspective RAD said...

The battle between self preservation and freedom! I'm all to familiar with :) Thanks for sharing.

ali said...

i have those same conversations with myself! sometimes i really blow it. he was up in the night, again, last night, on my computer, looking at gross stuff. he has no idea how to shut it down properly, so he gets caught every time, but he doesnt care. he is home for 2 days, not allowed out because he and 2 friends ganged up on another friend and pounded him with ice balls, 2 days in a row before the mother called me.... ahhh i love my life with him. bliss. not.

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