My Mom is Going to Kill Me and other RAD thoughts

Children who have been through trauma live in hypervigilent mode always watching for danger. When you live like that long enough, you miss a lot of stuff. One of the things my guys missed was the ablity to be in touch with their feelings. They don't have a lot of emotional logic. One of the ways that it shows up is that they do not understand what I am feeling or would even logically feel.

Often they think I will care about things that I have never been concerned about. I have had people say "He was so worried he got ketchup on his shirt. He said you were going to kill him." Really? We do have a washing machine. Clothes get dirty. I've never made  a big deal over it.  Other such statements. "mom can I turn on the light?" "Can I have a drink of water?" "Can I watch tv with you?" are all questions that are things I would no dream of saying no too and don't. 

Then it goes the other way. The big stuff, checking in if they are running late, asking if they can go to a place, etc. Those bigger things I do care about they are more likely to skip.

I'm sure it is all very confusing to them. They were born into chaos and lived ther for some time. Now they can't figure out what is supposed to make sense. 
Understanding how our kids think can help us in with dealing with them. Reviewing what they don't have to ask about, or reviewing what they do have to ask about may help.  But nothing works as well as healing from the trauma. It is tough work but so worthwhile.

The other day our oldest daughter called home and apprently got Teddy on the phone. She asked if she could leave a message and his answer was "No I won't remember it." Did he think of writing it down and putting it where I could see it? No. What he did seemed perfectly resonable to him. He thought it was the right thing.

Remember those chaotic early years and remember that a child who has been through great trauma may still have some pretty chaotic thinking. That front part of the brain where logic develops just didn't get  the work that the fight, flight and freeze center did. As hard as it is to parent them, it is harder to be them.

Personalized Parenting

I have 5 kids. 5 personalities. 5 precious souls. Over the years one line I became very tired of was "Does your child have any social activities?" Yes. My 3 emotionally healthy children had what I felt was a healthy balance of activities including church activities, soccer, dance, swim team, swim lessons depending on the person and the age. We tried every activity known to mankind for my two with RAD. They were kicked off, got in fights, bullied other kids, broke things....it was horrible. I finally thought. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Just because other people think my kids need to be in these things does that mean it is what they need right now?  It really gave them many many opportunities to fail. To alienate other kids and adults. It was truly horrible.

But they have come so far. Taz is actually taking Mixed Martial Arts. Yes. You heard me. It is perfect for him at this time in his life. I watched for the last 5 minutes. I only worried a tiny bit when I dropped him off about whether he was holding it together in class. He fit in perfectly. It gives him the rough physical activity he craves. He gets to learn to be aggressive in a good way.  Would I EVER have a kid with RAD try this? NOOOO!!!!! Eight years ago he would have seen it as a chance to kick the you know what out of every kid in the class + the teacher. Is Teddy in this class. Uh Uh. No. He is still too angry. He has his art anyway. His art is still showing a lot of deep anguish.  Good self expression. A little scary to look at. Plus we are working with Vocational Rehabilitation on job skills. Good organization!

My point today is...trust yourself...if social activities are too hard for you child then wait until they do some healing. Don't cave in to what others tell you. Trust your gut mama.

RAD assumptions

I did it again. Today I was hanging light in our house. I could not find a couple of parts. I was quite sure one of my RADlings had something to do with their disappearance. They are collectors of all things and build a lot of whatsamajiggers with the parts they take.  I asked Taz if he had seen them. He said no.. I was about ready to go find Bear when I saw the parts.....on the spoon rest where I had put them so they wouldn't get lost.

It is so easy to read into their words anger, their actions deviousness and assume missing/broken/damaged items are becuase of them.  I tell myself time and time again I will give them benfit of the doubt and then I do it again.

They have enough stuff going on without me giving them extra.

And so tomorrow is a new day. I choose to assume the best!

Is RAD bologna?

"I am so sick of the "RAD" baloney going on. RAD is a very serious illness that is also very, very, very rare. I am sure you are intelligent adults so why are you falling for the stupidity that these "attachment therapists" are selling? It is all about making money for these guys. It is Americas new legal child abuse. Kids are dying for gods sake. If you want to know more about the TRUTH visit ---------.org'

This comment was left on my blog. My first gut reaction was to hit "delete", but then I stopped. If my purpose to to provide support, educate and find other moms who have kids with RAD this statement can help a lot of us. All I ask is that you look for the feelings under the statement.  This is a person who has been hurt and could use both education and support. Whether they accept it or not is up to them but we all sure know how to give it.

First, I want to apologize for my absence.  Between my internship, moving, and some acting out on the part of a couple of boys, plus a wedding and a daughter leaving for college, I seem to have swung behind and am just now feeling like I am catching up. We sold our old house yesterday which was quite a load off. Now I feel like we can really work toward settling in and nesting here.

Back to the above statement.  Those of us who are mom's so wish RAD was bologna.  In the DSM-IV the guidelines for a child developing RAD are pretty specific.  When a child has been abused, neglected and abandoned, it is of course going to change the way they can trust or feel safe.  These are called attachment issues. When it interferes to the point of the child trusting no one, spending all the time on guard and living their lives in fear, as though in a war zone; they have RAD.  It makes complete sense.  I only have 4 weeks left in internship and then begin the process of becoming licensed.  I will be working with an attachment therapist, doe her agency,  but will  work in the town in which I live. I will be the only attachment therapist in my town, that I know of.  Am I going into it for the money? No. I am going into it because I am passionate about helping these kids.  They are the future of our nation.  They need help now. As far as attachment therapy being abusive: It has changed so much in the last 3-5 years.  It is very child centered, empathetic, educational, mindful... I could go on and on.  It is a loving form of therapy and I'm proud to be a part of it!.  I'm not sure I addressed all the above individual said. She/he did leave a website but I want to check it out pretty carefully before I post it as to make sure it is safe and appropriate. It sounded legit, but you know how it is.

Anyway, it feels good to be back.  I will be talking with my new supervisor soon about the direction of my blog. My current thought is that it will be still written from the perspective of a mom of kids with RAD but I may throw in some educational pieces as I come across them.  I'm hoping as I finish my internship that I'll have more time for awhile while my practice is in its infancy.

I hope and pray you are all doing well! I'll be "visiting" you all this evening on your blogs to catch up. Off to my internship!