Friday, May 7, 2010

The RAD daily grind

I sometimes think it is not the big things that used to wear me down: rages, spitting, school problems, destruction.  I think maybe it is the daily grind. The dealing with the behavior day after day and knowing I have to wake up to the same tomorrow. I have to wake up to it for years to come if they do not heal.

I think those thoughts  bring the feelings of being overwhelmed and exhausted even faster.  They weigh a person down.

 A few tips to stop those "What if..." or "I can't keep doing this" mind sets.

When you wake up in the morning choose to say "Thank you for another beautiful day" before you get out of bed.

Take one day at a time. Quit fretting ahead. None of us can predict the future so unless you have become psychic it is a waste of your time and energy.  If looking at today is too much then look at the morning. "What can I do between now and lunch?" If that is too much then "What can I do for the next hour?"

Think of the positive relationships in your life. What can you do for those people or relationships today?

What have you done to care for yourself? Look for respite providers. If you can find none, call social services and ask if they have any foster parents who do respite.  Do not call them and share all your troubles. Simply tell them you are looking for occasional respite. If you know foster families in your church, school, or community ask them if they will consider doing occasional respite for you.  A little time out will do your heart wonders.

Take a look at your expectations of yourself.  Are you expecting yourself to fix all your child's issues and believe his entire existence depends on you? That is a heavy weight to bear.  Do what you can to help them today and then let it go. Let go of it. Look toward other things in your life and enjoy them.  RAD cannot become your world.

When your husband gets home, go for a walk.  Breath deeply and enjoy the fresh air, flowers, trees, and the sound of the birds.

Find support.  Look for support groups, both live and on line. Join ATTACh and become a part of their listserv (Email support group), blog, read blogs. To the right I have listed all the blogs I know of on adoption/RAD related issues.  If you find a blog mom you connect with reach out and email her. Her email is probably some where on the site. You do not have to do this alone. There are many many moms out there dealing with the same stuff. There are some who have done it along time.

Believe healing is possible. Refuse to stop believing that.

Find faith.  Look for a church with similar beliefs and renew your relationship to God. Prayer changes things.

Live life on purpose. Instead of waiting for things to happen, for the other shoe to fall, become proactive and make some phone calls, do some searches and find what it is you need. Use the therapeutic parenting you know and believe it is going to work even when you see know change.

Instead of focusing on "How can I keep doing this for years to come?"" Focus on "I'm going to look for the good in my life today."

Give yourself a healing day.


Bren said...

I took a mental health day today. My morning started with my daughter eating from the garbage as her breakfast sat waiting for her.
I told the kids..."No home school today." It is a 3 day Mother's Day weekend for me, so I refuse to catch her crazy today!
I am off to baste a quilt.

Nelly said...

I love this post Brenda!! It hits home and I need to see that I'm not alone.

ali said...

THANK YOU. i need to stop wondering about his future. his lack of motivation, drive, ability to make decisions or relieve/sift through his chaos SCARES ME. but i must let go, he may mature so much.. LET GO. thanks Mom!

BeckyJoie said...

Amazing. I just posted similar thoughts on my Christian Therapeutic Parenting page on Facebook. I took a mental health break too. One of my kids and I went to a park with natural springs and swam,collected fossils and floated on innertubes. Then we ate a picnic. It was so fun. I feel so much better. (You are invited to the Facebook page, if you wish.)

J. said...

well said. Thanks for the reminders.

Anonymous said...

remember that some of us have no husband to give us respite at the end of a work day

peggysue said...

Great post although I am just getting to it now. We made 'progress' today, ha! I got my daughter to admit that she doesn't like me, in fact, frequently dislikes me intensely. Isn't it amazing that in this world, that is progress but it really is a step further than being syrupy sticky sweet and ignoring me when her dad is home, or her pushing the verbal barriers and needling . . . I reminded her that one battle every morning for five days in a row was because she came downstairs in the same, weather-inappropriate outfit and I had to tell her to change; she was completely ignoring our rules on stranger danger; pointed out to her dad just how 'stupid' mom is . . . anyway, it IS soooooo nice to know I'm not alone, because no one in the extended family 'gets it.' Her teacher sends little notes home because she doesn't 'get' it.
I can come here and breathe a sigh of relief for at least as long as it takes to read your messages. Thank you.

MomInTheTrench said...

There comes a wonderful peace from simply trying to glorify God in every circumstance. I am not responsible for healing my children. . .I am responsible for becoming more like Christ daily. I am responsible for glorifying him in the way I react to/disciple my children. This way I meaure my "success" in the only measurable (and relevant) way.

Misty said...

i have tears welling in my eyes... i have been on this path for 7 long years and just when we feel we've turned a bend with our daughter- things get worse. i don't know how much more i can take, which is why i really appreciated stumbling upon your blog...

today, today i think i just need someone to talk to because i am so tired of all of the friends and family who either A) leave because our situation is uncomfortable for them or B) pretend like we are ridiculous parents and feel sorry for our RAD daughter... I just need someone who relates and understands why our lives are the way they are.

Brenda said...


Please feel free to email me