There are times when I catch myself becoming unattached to my boys with RAD. I distance myself out of fear of hurt. Or sometimes the hurt is too much already and I just back off and try not to care. There thoughts and behaviors make me, in a way, unattached myself. My own little version of attachment disorder. Much of this can stem from our own past hurts. We all have had our ability to love and trust shaped by past relationships. How much we have dealt with and moved on from our past hurts determines how much we can attach.
When the fear or sadness swells up in response to their words or actions it not only hampers our ability to attach to our kids, it makes it more difficult for them to attach to us. Dealing with past hurt is important for parents. If some past hurt keeps coming up for you it may be time to find someone to talk you through it and work on it.
I find the best ways to keep from having those defensive feelings is to learn not to take their actions personally. Get into the habit of saying "Don't take it personally. It is not about me." over and over to yourself when they are acting out. This is about their past hurt. They are acting out in fear.
Having the courage to deal with past hurt in your life can help you be a better parent. If we expect our kids to deal with their past, we should have the courage to do so ourselves!
Have a healing day!