Last time I talked about what we do before a rage. Next time I'll talk about after but this time I wanted to talking about during the rage. For several years holding was a popular method of dealing with rage. It has become very controversial and for legal reasons is no longer recommended. I do thing holding your child close and comforting them when they are very upset is helpful but when they are in a full screaming, yelling, kicking, fists swinging rage we do not do this.
We do many different things because the same thing doesn't work for long with kids with RAD.
Humor:
When there is wall kicking or such going on start counting the kicks loudly but calmly. Taz would always stop and say "What are you doing?" I'd say "Dad and I both picked a number as to how many times you would kick or hit the wall today and whoever is closest gets a latte." He'd say "Well I'll make sure neither of you get it." and stop. Make sure he sees you going out for a latte later.
Hold up a piece of paper rating the rage. Tell him he gets 3 points for loudness, 2 for his kicking and only 1 for originality.
Distraction:
In the middle of the rage I'd calmly say "Could you go set the table for me?" and he'd stop and say "Ok". "Or did you see that cardinal in the yard?" "Where" Use the ADHD to your advantage.
Ignore:
Everyone leave the room and say "This is boring."
Then go in the other room and make sure it sounds like you are REALLY having fun.
Comfort:
"You are safe." "I'm not going to leave you." "I will love you no matter what." " Thank you for letting all your anger out."
There are no easy answers and prevention works best. As your child heals the rages will become fewer and further between. Taz rarely has rages any more and they are not impressive when he does. Bear has never been a rager in the traditional sort but still has periods of yelling and screaming. He has not really even begun to heal. He is a complicated case.
More than one diagnosis:
If your child is having these rages make sure you see a psychiatrist familiar with RAD. There can be reasons besides RAD and a professional needs to know the details and see the child. There are not really meds for RAD but there are medications for many other mental disorders that may help. I cannot tell you the difference since Taz has gone on meds for a closed traumatic brain injury that had gone undiagnosed for 14 years.
Never, never, never quit
8 comments:
Thankfully we do not have rage issues with our boys. I totally appreciate your post though . . . you have a lot of great ideas and methods. I have a three year old that tries to yell and scream though and may just try a few of the techniques on him when he screams or yells to get his way.
I wanted to let you know that my child with the food issues is doing great at school. In fact, he is also doing well with his food issues. We pack him a lunch with a lot of variety and a few sweet items - Three days this week, he brought home some of his lunch . . . he didn't gorge. Once home, he eats what is remaining in his lunch at his discretion. Today is pizza day at school, so I asked him how many pieces he would like . . . three and then had him choose some "extras" to carry in a brown bag and if he feels he needs them he has them. Last night at dinner, he actually stopped eating when he was full and had a bit of food left on his plate. As you know, that is a rare occasion.
Each morning I try to encourage and we have made up a special handshake that we do before school. This morning he was so excited to get to his class that he told me that we would have to do it later. I was excited to see his eagerness!
Again, thank you so much for your advise!
I would LOVE to hear the advice you have for food issues. My daughter is 10 and has major food issues. She gorges at mealtimes, sneaks food, steals food, etc etc. But it's all junk that she wants too. How do you help them?
Julie~I am SOOO glad to hear this.I'm just smiling from ear to ear reading it.
Jody~ I have several posts on food issues if you click on labels at the right that say food. I think the main thing is to remember this is a really emotional issue for them so adding more emotion to it is a big mistake. Give them a lot of food. Offer sugary snacks freely as a gift from you. I know this goes against our mom instincts but this is a mental health issue that can become worse. You can have them keep a good bag in their rooms and tell them to let you know when they need more. They need to know there will always have enough to eat. They also need therapy to learn that you cannot fill the hole in your heart with food. But then, how many of us need to learn that too?
Interesting posts lately. We actually have a different problem with food. My daughter is so anxious to get attention, she talks her way non stop through lunch at school, winds up not eating very much of her lunch at all, throws it away and then is starving and wants dinner at 3:30 when she gets home. She gets a healthy snack then, but is still raging with hunger. I don't give her dinner at that time because I'm usually pretty ticked that she threw away her lunch. Or, she'll play the sympathy card and get food from the other kids at school, all sweet sugary stuff and throw away her own lunch.
The rages . . . my daughter hasn't had one in a long while. I guess I handled it the wrong way, I didn't know what to do, I just knew I didn't want to have her screaming in front of me, so I would carry her, kicking and hitting me all the while, up to her room, tell her if she was going to fling her body around in such a manner she needed to be somewhere safe but the rest of the family didn't need to participate in her rage, so in order to keep her safe I was putting her on a nice, soft bed.
School starts for us next week . . .I'm keeping my fingers crossed we'll have a good year? I hope, I hope, I hope . . .
Some of mine had the not eating because they were talking thing at school too. I figured there was not much I could do about it. I asked the teacher in the room to make him eat at least one thing before he could go to recess.
We have the not eating thing going on too. I don't think it is just due to talking. I think it is a control issue. (And her ADHD meds take away her appetite.) Food is something that she can totally control. She has lost weight and knows we want her to eat, so she controls that. I figure the more I make it a power struggle, the more she wins and keeps playing this game. So I try to offer high calorie foods so that she gets a lot, even if she only takes a few bites. And I give her Pediasure chocolate milk to drink with meals.
When she was on R*sparadal, she was hungry ALL.THE.TIME. She would plan her next meal or snack while still eating the current meal. She gained a LOT of weight while on it.
We did the pediasure for years. We used the Equate WalMart brand d\though.
"This is boring." Works for us.
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