Saturday, July 25, 2009

People Say Thngs When They are Mad

Bear has been very angry at us for going out of town. We did this while his twin brother, Fish, was out of town at a swim meet/then missions trip. The anxiety is through the roof. I figure I can look at it two ways. He is "making me pay" which may be true. Or he is just so filled with anxiety and fear of abandonment while I am gone he is letting out acting on it rather than saying it. I have decided it is more productive to go with the second one. He has said some pretty cruel things to me upon our return whenever dad is out of the house. Makes me want to follow dad around!!! His justification is "People say things when they are mad that they don't mean."

A) He has just admitted he didn't mean any of it. Which says the fear was talking.
B) We are all (read:mom's included) responsible for what we say when we are angry whether we mean it or not. So this will be our topic for discussion for the day. Yesterday there was no talking only anger. Look under the anger, and you will find fear or sadness. Look under your own anger and you will find the same thing. fear or sadness.

Do I regret going out of town. NO WAY. My husband and I had the BEST time and I love reconnecting with him. It is worth it. It gives a chance to see where the kids are at. On a positive note, while Taz had some behavior issues before and after his attachment has once again shown to be coming along. We gave the boys money to go to a movie. Eagle dropped them off. Taz did well. Bear was afraid of kidnappers. Have a healing weekend!


Life's Mom said...

I'm so glad you had a day away with your husband - even if it is a bit harder when you return. But with Fish gone, you might have had the same issues anyway, so I'm glad you got a night out!

Just keep plugging away. Your boys are healing a bit more day by day. It's just harder to see during the difficult times.

We ourselves have just "survived" a family wedding weekend, with lots and lots of triggers everywhere. But everyone told us how much better behaved she is this year than she was last year when they last saw her. Progress - even if it feels really slow going!

Brenda said...

Sounds like progress to me!

Life's Mom said...

Question - what do you know about studies on amino acid supplementation with traumatized children? I am very interested in learning more about this. I read about this on TCU's Institute of Child Development.

At the bottom of that page it says: "Tragically, it is clear from research that many children who are abused experience life-long consequences from the early harm. Changes in their life trajectories include difficulties in trusting and difficulties in forming healthy relationships. In addition to these behavioral alterations, there are significant alterations in their brain chemistries. Our current research provides great hope for understanding some of those brain chemistry changes. In addition, the amino acid supplementation holds great promise for helping normalize the brain chemistry of these at-risk children and helping 'right' the course of their lives."

Do you know any more on this study? I know amino acids are found in proteins, and I had observed that "Life" does much better on a high protein diet (like eggs in the morning rather than cereal, etc.) I would love to learn more.

Brenda said...

I don't know a lot about it but I'm wondering if it is some what like the diet recommended for people with bipolar. Google it and you will find a ton. I do see a difference when my kids eat protein and a bad difference when they eat a bunch of refined carbs. Nancy Thomas has some interesting stuff on nutrition and a protein shake recipe at Thanks for the info. I will check it out.

Life's Mom said...

Thanks - I will check out those resources as well.

I sometimes wonder if researchers will not some day uncover a link between bi-polar and childhood trauma. Trauma really does have an affect on brain development. Just a thought.

Brenda said...

Life's Mom: Bipolar diagnosis are fairly common in kids these days. If you went to the special ed teacher at your school and asked how many kids she knows of in the building with the diagnosis you might be surprised. The instructors at the grad school where I attend believe it is actually rare in children which leads to the question "Then with what are these kids struggling?" I think it could be a lot of different things, but I bet you are right about some of it being trauma.

peggysue said...

Brenda your post made me sad and laugh at the same time. There are days I DO follow dad around because the incidents that can upset me don't always happen then! But it can be hard to be the 'lightning rod' for their anxiety sometimes.

Trouble with the tongue . . . if it weren't so common it wouldn't be mentioned in the bible in James, where it talks about what great damage the tongue can do and how hard it is to control.

But the words that trip off the tongue can remain in our minds far longer than the after effects of a physical injury.

Working on controlling our own tongues is hard enough, much less trying to control someone else's words, I haven't got a clue how to do that, but wish you the best this week as the 'fallout' continues.

Anonymous said...

so that's what ailed me 50 years ago....
married, 3 children, not quite retired, survived (so far)
Even un-noticed & untreated the child is not a dead loss failure (at least, not in my case).