Children with RAD break things. They have been moved from place to place during the early years often leaving all possessions behind. No one was careful with their hearts. They have been broken repeatedly. They do not value themselves. Everything they have could be gone tomorrow in their minds so of what value is it?
They want more. They have a hole in their hearts they think things will fill. They have a sense of entitlement.
I walked into Taz's room the other day. He was laying on the bedroom floor. He had the mattress on the floor on his right. The box springs on the left and the bed frame folded up to the left of that.
Long story short is that he jumped up and down on his bed and bent one of the parts of the frame and cracked the box spring. He weighs over 100 lb. I told him we do not replace what people break. We replace things if they are worn out. We replace things if they are outdated (sometimes). He immediately says "My night stand is outdated." Can we say "lack of cause and effect thinking". I pointed out the patched places on his wall, his smelly carpet (urine~his) and the fact that his bed is now on the verge of breaking. I told him when he shows he is strong enough to take care of what he has we will talk about replacing it.
Tough morning at our house. I would call his behavior close to psychotic. We will deal.
20 comments:
Hang in there.
I have a child who draws. She drew on the ceiling of the brand new car we had to buy to replace one that floated away in a flood, less than a week old. She has drawn on furniture, pianos, walls, herself, clothing, sheets...I'm trying to think of what she has not drawn on.
Funny, I came looking for your site because I had a question about pets. Does anyone else have a child who hurts their pets and what do you do? It seems no matter how many times we talk about it the behavior continues. Last time it happened I was in the bathroom, hard to avoid doing that once in a while! What do you do?
And I'm sorry you're having a bad morning already.
I gave him some benadryl and he seems to be calm for now. I have not had a drawer since the preschool days. I have not had the hurting pets, but have had them bully pets by yelling or trying to scare them. I try to keep them away but that is very difficult. It is horrible to think of getting rid of a pet but if they are in danger you might at least have to have them stay with a relative for awhile. I wonder what your daughter would do knowing the pet needed to leave to be safe for maybe a month until she could show she can talk about that anger(fear, sadness)instead of acting it out.
wow - we've gone through the exact same thing with our eight year old. she has completely broken her bed, and will constantly tell us to buy her a new one. we always respond the same way you did.
in the past two years, she has gone from having a brand new little girl's dream room, to one with stained carpet, a broken bed, ruined comforter, broken window shades, broken closet doors, etc. we have removed almost all of her extras, because i just can't keep up with her and the rate she destroys things.
RAD comes out in some interesting ways. i appreciate your post, and your background on why they do what they do! i hope your day gets better!
Brie,
I so get that. We did Taz's room in sports theme. I did put the border around the ceiling so it is harder for him to reach but he has sure tried. He has broken his blinds, pulled the curtain rod out of the wall and completely kicked apart his dresser over the years. Let's see...he's pulled down the clothes rod and shelves. Kicked holes in the wall and then pulled the sheet rock off down to the insulation. We have cleaned his room out to just a mattress on the floor several times. I just gave him back his box springs and rails last week. I told him they are taking up space in the garage we don't have. He can destroy them if he wants but then he has a permanent mattress on the floor as they will not be replaced just so he can do it again. It is a tough situation that needs to be dealt with in love, but firmly.
I'm sorry. I know the emotions that go with this. I had two the same way, down to one. Mattress on the floor, blankets and sheets even shredded. Toys half eaten. I still sometimes mourn not being able to lavish nice things on my little one. I know it's petty, but it's still painful sometimes. . .
i'm glad your morning with him got better, first of all.. mornings can stink with my RAD son. the rest of the day is always better(CONCERTA LOL)
i painted a basic but gorgeous room for jack too. its completely destroyed. when oldest son moves out, jack will go into kendyls tiny, main floor bedroom that does not have a closet and has hardwood flooring. then kendyl & shawn will attempt to share jackson huge bedroom with 2 closets and a built in dresser. his world needs to shrink, and they need more space(and shawn needs OUT OF MY BED LOL)if my soldier son EVER gets his life together and moves out, this will happen, but until then, i inspect the room daily and deal accordingly. he broke every drawer under the bed, all 4 blinds are destroyed and they werent the cheap kind@@, he destroyed, with markers, screw driver and knife, a 350$ very large dresser i had sprung for since he had too much clothing, shawn has it now, he has a broken old one of mine... i cannot imagine what his home will look like when he moves out. i try to make him realize how his disorder/ no sense of any order or organization/love for chaos affects his mood/day/life...... i think its sinking in and i have hope for him but... YIKES. scary sometimes to think of his future. i pity the landlord!! LOL
The entitlement is something we struggle with. Our little guy who is not RAD, but still out of the foster system, is definitely a gimme gremlin.
Gabe(16) is showing the opposite kind of RAD behaviors where he just doesn't identify anything as his except what he brought into the house. I had to get very serious with him the other day to let his little brother use some hangers that he brought with him from the group home. HANGERS! We moved him into his own room and we are painting everything right now but he "didn't care" how his room was painted it was "just fine" with the grandma flower print everywhere. He didn't want to identify it as HIS room.
Again, amazing how RAD plays out differently with each child.
Blessings!
Hannah
I don't have anyone who will take the pet, although we have discussed finding the dog a new home. I might approach oldest DD though and ask if perhaps the dog could go with her to college for a month, she'll be in a house, not a dorm, so no rules against pets.
In addition to the drawing, we've had a lot of destruction too. A pretty new girly lamp with the shade destroyed and the plug pulled out of the ceramic base. Curtains destroyed. Walls damaged. I have to say the destruction of property appears to have lessened, but we are working on not hurting animals. It concerns me.
And I wish we had ivory piano keys instead of marker blue . . . and she ruined a valuable piece of artwork in the family room, climbed up somehow to reach it and scratched the paint off. I can identify. And it makes me sad too.
We went through the bed break last summer, and my husband fixed it to the best of his ability. And now we have a kid capable of repairing drywall, because of his many holes. Sigh. I think it's something many outside of RAD don't understand- the destructiveness. Sigh.
Blessings as your family heals.
Hannah,
I did a paper on the effects of neglect on child development. Even the type of neglect and/or abuse makes a difference in how the RAD will present itself. My two boys "look" very different in behavior. They need a lot of work on developing empathy. I think the best way for them to develop is for us to show it to them.
Brenda - I would love to read the paper that you wrote. Gla
d the day got a little better. Remember last week or so I said that since "Life" is disinhibited, I don't have trouble when I go away (she could care less.) Well I am eating those words today. I am hopeful that her punishing me for leaving is a sign of attachment though. I was gone less than 24 hours, but boy is she acting out.
My daughter isn't so destructive as such...she seems to think everything is disposable. When she is done with it, it is dropped where she is...inside or outside, at home or elsewhere...if it is destroyed, it doesn't seem to matter to her. But I also refuse to replace things that she doesn't care for. She also does the animal 'bullying'...that comes and goes.
It is amazing how differently RAD affects kids. It really helps to have this resource where so many RAD-experienced parents share their ideas.
Life's Mom~ Can I just email you my paper? It is on my laptop but I'll send it to you tomorrow. It is all research and no personal opinion as instructed so it is very factual but based on 15 different research projects...
Do you have a public email address? If not, then I can open one. Just let me know if I need to do that. Thank you for letting me read the paper. I am always interested in learning more.
radmoms@hotmail.com
I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate you sharing your experiences on your blog. Nearly every entry sounds like you are describing a day in my life! It helps me so much just to know that I am not alone in my unusual parenting struggles. Please continue to share with us. You are doing more good than you know!
Mandy,
I was going to say that I've actually been watching you. Instead, I'll just say thanks. It really does mean a lot for me to hear that and it also helps for me to know there are others experiencing similar things. Not so much misery loves company, but it is nice to know there are people who get it.
Chiming in late here, but so much of this sounds just like my daughter. She is down to a mattress on the floor right now. We moved out all of the furniture except 1 dresser. We also locked her closet and she has hand me down blinds and curtins because she ripped her nice ones down. She also pulled down shelves on her walls, drew on the walls and peeled off paint. We have to search her room every night to make sure she's not hiding or hoarding anything in her drawers. I guess the less she as in her room the less places we have to search but she is soo clever with hiding things! And what she's not destroying in her room will distract her to the point where she won't sleep at all. She also destroys her clothing. I've learned to graciously accept free clothing and hand me downs and hit the garage sales.
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