Monday, January 19, 2009

Jealousy and other RADiness

I believe it was Cara that asked how the boys have been since we arrived home last Sunday. Ick. There that's my blog for the day....It could be. Taz has tried regrouping a few times and reigning himself in but it is just too much. Here's the clincher. Yesterday was my husband's birthday. Today is Taz's birthday. If you have kids with RAD I need say no more. Some of you don't so I'll explain.

When parents leave for an evening (when I go to class), a weekend or as did for a week it stirs up their feelings of abandonment. They are so afraid of us not returning. Then when we do come home they are so angry. They do not verbalize why they are angry very well so we need to help them verbalize it. "You thought I must not be coming home. That must have been very frightening." "You are angry I left and now you want to pay me back." "You are developing a loving relationship and it scares you to think you might lose it." Try a variety of things until you see the light bulb go on and then give them empathy. They need the reassurance that their feelings are understood and validated. Then you can point out that you DID return and every thing is fine. There will still be explosions though.

Then there is the birthdays. Someone is getting a lot of attention and it is not them!! Someone is receiving gifts and they have NOTHING! Someone is getting love and they have NONE. It is horrible for them. If they are the birthday child they do not thing they deserve a second of it. They don't want the showering of love and they don't deserve the gifts many of which may be broken by the end of the day.

All we can do is reassure. Talk about it ahead of time. Prepare as much as we can. We are very careful what kinds of gifts we buy. There are not a lot of expensive electronics because the chances of its survival are so low. And then just go into it without a bunch of preconceived expectations. It is what it is. A hard day for them. Taz picked his favorite meal for me to prepare tonight. He had a hard time because he doesn't like much of anything I prepare. He finally decided on breakfast. Fine. We will have pancakes and scrambled eggs and a Dairy Queen birthday cake. Happy Birthday Taz!! We'll get through it together and hope tomorrow is a better day!

2 comments:

Story of our Life said...
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Accidental Mommy said...

I could have written this post myself as far as the birthday part goes. It was Poufy's birthday. I ended up making breakfast for dinner and Poufy felt she didn't deserve it while CDQ just died with envy even though her birthday is next month.

Thanks for putting it into words that I've been trying to find.