RAD: It's all about trust!

The girls are home. We are having a great time. We are all on our way to a swim meet for the day! Have a fabulous Saturday-Before-Christmas-Oh-My-What-Will-I-DO? Day! I'm taking along Christmas card envelopes to address in between races.

The swim meet went well. Fish won first place in both of his events. He improved his times. He swam in the 200 free and the 500 free. Good day.

Bear has regressed a little today. We have talked and he is still very open to talking about it and acknowledging when there is a problem. Both girls arrived home yesterday along with one of their friends. This could be some of the problem. New people, some jealousy and maybe just some confusion of where he fits in.

Here is the next section of information from the Wesselmann/Bruckner seminar. It is about trust. Our children feel they cannot trust us to take care of them. When the child has learned that trust in an adult results in abuse, neglect, pain, and unfulfilled needs, he quickly learns that placing trust in others is life-threatening. Would any sane individual place their trust in someone who may be trying to kill them? "You want me to trust the thing I fear the most!" "The person I want most in the world is the person I most fear." These are not things our children will generally say out loud because they are not very in touch with their feelings. Their behavior shows us this is what they feel. (my words) The attachment-disordered child, having learned that trust in others is dangerous, is asked to give over control to the very person he fears the most - (MOM!!)

My biggest fear: REJECTION! My words again: We as moms often fear rejection. We need to understand that they are just rejecting us before we can reject them.

• I want my mother's love more than anything but...
• "Moms are mean."
• "Moms leave."
• "Moms are out to hurt and be cruel."
• "Moms reject and abandon."
• "Moms cannot be trusted!"

"I'm not worth loving, anyway."

• "I don't belong."
• "I'm bad. I'm evil. I'm shameful."
• "I'm weird, different, strange." "I'm not like other people."
• "EVERYTHING is all my fault." ("But I CAN'T let anyone know-I can't be vulnerable. I don't DARE let anyone get close o me. I WILL DIE.")

"I must take care of my own needs, or I will die!"

• "I don't trust you to give me what I need, therefore I will take it." (Wants take on the same urgency as needs. There is no discernment.)
• "I HAVE TO have it, regardless of what it is, or I will die!"
• "I CANNOT go to you and ask for help or for comfort or for love, because this would leave me vulnerable to hurt and abandonment and utter annihilation!"
• "I will DEMAND and CONTROL and CRY and CLING to get my needs met, instead. It is the only way!"

These are many of the thoughts our children have. What a scary world in which to live. Tomorrow "The Traumatized Parent."