Friday, October 10, 2008

Fear Factor

I think Beyond Consequences is right on when it comes to the talk about parenting out of fear. With Bear stealing a ring at the Y and then Taz setting a fire I can tell I really pulled myself emotionally in for several days. I was having trouble with some very negative thoughts:

"My children are going to end up in jail."

"No matter how well Taz gets when he regresses he could do something that is going to make his life so much harder."

"These children will never love me."

I was so parenting out of fear I was having trouble with the loving eye contact, gentle touch and attunement. I could not master any of the 3. Yesterday gave me enough physical and emotional rest that I could regroup. Last night I took Taz aside and talked. It went something like this:

"Taz you are safe. You are so afraid right now that it is really controlling what you do. You are miserable aren't you? Whatever it is you are worrying about in your head is not real. I'm not leaving. I'm not abandoning you. You are loved and you are safe. You are worrying about something that is not going to happen. I want you to come sit in the kitchen near me to do your homework and I will keep you safe. As long as you are near me you will feel safe." He slowly picked up his things and made his way into the kitchen. I could see him relaxing and calming as he worked on his homework. He slept on the floor last night which is always a sign of fear for him. He was agitated this morning. He is calming back down. We are on the road back. I have a couple of ideas as to what is going on. I will work on those ideas with him. This is the difference between full blown RAD and a child who is healing with RAD but still has some attachment issues. He can feel safe now. He can feel love.

Parenting out of fear doesn't work. If you can't make yourself do loving eye contact, gentle touch or attunement with the child ask yourself what you are so afraid of: rejection, the future, failure. Whatever the fear you need to deal with it. Prayer, talking with friends, time alone to heal yourself. Whatever you need, do it.


Lisa said...

Very important!
Can you please put one of those blogger follower thingy's on your blog????
Really need to follow my peeps....;-)

Brenda said...


I added the subscribe thing in the upper right hand corner. Is that what you mean? Thanks for reading me.

Lisa said...

I haven't figured out how to do the subscribe thing yet. Can you tell me how to do that?

The one I'm talking about is going to Layout, then Add a Gadget, then pick Followers. After you add the followers tab you can then pick all the ones you have in google reader and do follow bunches (if you want to) in one click. If this makes absolutely no sense let me know.

Lisa said...

P.S. Then can you follow me too? Insert little whine here. 0;-)

Brenda said...

Is that it? (Said with stupid nose scrunched look on my face) And trust me I read you. I'll figure this out. It could be helpful to a lot of mammas to find all these links to other RADical moms like yourself.

Lisa said...

I was shocked it was that easy to.
Now run on over and follow me please.
Reminding self to change header on the gadget....

Karen Deborah said...

wow just amazing. you amaze me. you literally lay down your life for these kids, their is no greater love than this.

familygregg said...

Yes, he is healing. This is good.
The fear of the Lord, Brenda.....that is the fear I need to parent in.

I get it all messed up sometimes. But He is good. He draws us back because we are His and He loves us.

~Bren~ said...

Thinking of you....((((hugs))))