Thursday, September 25, 2008

Respect, Responsibility and Fun to be Around

I have used that phrase often at our house. I'm not sure but I think it is a Nancyism....could be a Foster Clineism. This is what I expect of our children attached or unattached. Of course I don't get it all the time. Maybe I don't even get it much from Bear but it is a goal. Respect to me means answering without anger or mockery; doing what is asked without attitude; not getting "even" with me when I have them do a chore or give a consequence. Responsibility is doing their chores and doing them correctly; completing homework and not trying to make it my job; personal hygiene. Fun to be around just means they hang out with us instead of their room and work at getting along instead of manipulating. I know. I know. Sounds impossible for someone with RAD. I think the difference is in how we response when they don't do these things. I think we just need to assume they are too afraid to do these things. Expecting them and then being disappointed would be just setting ourselves up for failure. It is something to work toward. Example: This morning Taz refused to get out of bed. I did not say a word but just turned his light on when it was time to get up. He is supposed to use an alarm. After 15 minutes I was concerned about him getting his Ritalin in so it had time to work before school. I said (and in a pleasant voice) "You have until the count of 5 to come take your medicine. 5...............4..............3..........2...............1......... That is 15 jumping jacks...............16..............17...........18...............19................20". He comes stomping out sassing. "21....22..." He said "fine. Mom may I please start?" They have to say that before they start. Learned it from the therapist. He did his jumping jacks which seemed to get his brain back into gear. They must finish with "Mom how was that?" The therapist says they must start with "Mom" because that is the most important part of the sentence : ) After that he was fine and moved on. We have to remember that so much of what they do is a reaction to fear and abandonment. If we remember that, I think it helps us to remain calm. We need to show them we are a loving strong parent able to handle their fear and love them through it. Have a healing day!


marythemom said...

I'm not sure who coined the phrase, but it is one we live by at our house! We pronounce it, "You are not being Rafbah!"

We've also added an H for honest (to others and yourself). RRHAFTBA

I wrote a series of articles on using it and the FAIR club (my own invention based on these priciples for my RAD child, my ODD child and my biokids - it works well because I can adjust it for each child's cognitive and emotional level).

I apologize for the format, that was what I had to work with. Here's the link to the first one - you should be able to get to the other three from it.

I love your blog! Thanks!

Mary in TX

Brenda said...


THANK YOU! I can't wait to read it

Unspeakable Joy said...

great comment: Expecting them and then being disappointed would be just setting ourselves up for failure.
i wish i would remember that more in the moments!!