Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Self

Seems I am constantly having to work on myself as much as my kids. Once I get into the negativity and being angry with Bear it is hard to get out. It is not right. It is not ok. I do go to therapy today for myself. It does seem to really help to vent all my feelings about the situation regularly to a professional who can guide me along some. I'm getting my hair done today. I am going out for dinner with the graduate students in my theories class. It should be a fun today.

My problem is when Bear gets out of bed. He immediately starts with the negativity. He has 3 years of high school left and no plans for changing. I know God can work a miracle in his heart. I know the therapeutic parenting can work because I saw it happen in Taz. But I also have had to make peace with the fact that this might be how he is going to be. So.....I can't change him. I need to change me. Otherwise I am the one who is allowing myself to stay miserable. Which is the very trait I don't understand in him. So I am working on me today instead of him. Giving a soft answer and being a loving person are important for me to do no matter who he decides to be. Self. Always a battle.

9 comments:

Tami Boesiger said...

Self. Always a battle.

You ain't kiddin', sister!

Praying you have a refreshing day, friend!

Lisa said...

I totally understand...my regular prayer is:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know it's ME.

I might need to pray that prayer a little stronger or more often right now with the way things are going. "IT" probably won't get better but at least I can.
Hugs!
L

Coffee Bean said...

Oh my gosh. I so get this post. I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and feeding my negative attitude. Thank you for posting this Brenda.

Family Gregg said...

Oh, I so know what you are feeling and exactly what you are talking about. I often get so frustrated by my girlie w/RAD's behavior....and then I look in a mirror. I see a monster...me. Angry. Out of control. Bitter. Resentful. Mean Spirited. Apathetic. Depressed. Filled w/despair.

It is frightening to say...."She may never change." I've said it not only to myself....but just this week to a wounded sibling...."She may never change"....so what will... you..... do? I've said it to frustrated grandparents, "She may never change"....so what will ....you.... do?

It's in those times that I realize how much conrol I try to have over this situation and how difficult it is to trust the Lord. Only when I let go...is there really any room for trust though.

I feel like the kids w/RAD...not trusting the Father who loves me...the One who wants me to rest in His love. When my control issue is exposed...I can see her's for what it really is....fear.

She and I are more alike than I'd like to admit.

Melissa said...

Oh, boy, you are posting just for me today!! Thanks!

Christine said...

My experience is a teeny drop in the bucket, compared to yours. Yet, I already find myself just wanting to run from the negativity.

I've figured that while I am constantly rotating my parenting tools, my kids are also constantly rotating their own ways of finding safety and control. We're in the middle of a constant barrage of negativity.

Last night, however, I did find a FULL 20 MINUTES of peace. DS12 was asking constant questions and constantly correcting everyone while we watched the Olympics. I made a gentle correction (as he was correcting DD8). I very kindly said, "Sweetie, you're questioning and talking tonight even more than she is. Have some patience with her like we're having with you."

Well, that did it. He was NOT going to do or be anything that could be categorized with his SISTER! Heavens to Betsy! The last 20 minutes of watching he actually just WATCHED!

Note to self: DO THAT AGAIN!!!

:)

Christine said...

I just found you r blog. Nie to meet you. I do hope to read more as I ccan so relate on many levels.

Brenda said...

Welcome Christine. It is nice to meet you.

Renee said...

It is a struggle. And I think we only lose when we quit trying. I used to wake up hateful. Not because I was mad at anything, but just because I was exhausted. I do not get any more sleep now than I did then. But after LOTS of effort, I try to answer my kids "Mom, I'm awake." With a smile and a hug. Then I roll over. It really should be easier to control our fully conscious responses, but it hasn't been.