Sunday, August 24, 2008

Beyond Consequences

I think the one thing I like about the approach for Beyond Consequences the most is the assumptions. It is so easy to assume our child means something negative, sarcastic or is being manipulative. They don't hug. If we hug them it is like hugging a tree. So when they suddenly want to be hugged and say "I love you". It is easy to think "What does he want or who is watching?" BC teaches to assume it is because they are having an I love you moment and accept it lovingly. When I put up the Wall of Gratitude board for our frig Bear has written one time: School and being adopted by a good family. That was the day he cried and said he was being threatened at school and was afraid to go. So my first reaction is "If he is terrified to go to school, why did he write school and what does that say about our family?" Instead I need to assume he does basically like school and that he down deep is grateful for us. Raising these kids is hard. If we have to assume something why not assume they do mean the positives they say or do? It can only help our relationship with them. So that is what I am going to really work on this week. I'm going to try to not read into his words but just assume he means the best that can come of them.


Renee said...

Good idea. I'll try this too. It is a self-protective mode I go into to assume the worst.

Christine said...

OH, Brenda - ME TOO!!

I have been praying specifically this weekend that God will help me to allow the kids to heal ... see it happening and know when it's time to let up and assume the best, instead of looking for the protective behavior in everything.

Ds12 IS HEALING! I knew that he had a lot of hope of moving forward more quickly, simply because his experiences were not as long-lasting and harsh as dd8. Yet, I find myself in this balance now - of wanting to allow him those moments, yet no wanting to let up too much and jeopardize the process (because we're just in the beginning glimmers of it).

And it's also weird. I buckle down for the rage that I know is coming, and it doesn't. I'm not sure what to do! I know I look like a deer in headlights!

Of course, then I worry that when he does have his next rage, I'll be just as freaked out because I'm not expecting it.

Ugh. Sorry - I should just put my posts on my own blog instead of hogging your space! ha!

Brenda said...

I'm so glad to hear yours thoughts about your son Christine. I know with Bear his diagnosis is so complicated it is going to make it harder. But with Bear when he started healing I had be careful to still do a lot of reassuring and affection. They let you know if you let up to quickly by regressing a little. I'm so glad your ds is healing.

Unspeakable Joy said...

great reminder! i go back and forth and assume good, then bad, then good... then dh will say it was bad and i'll remind him it was good. then i'll say it was bad and he'll remind me it was good. just a crazy house! but we're slowly getting there! :)