Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Tip of the Iceberg

I watched Byan Post's DVD 3 last night. I found some very practical helpful information I am going to share over the next few days. I cannot wait to try it. I want to start with his analogy of an ice berg because I thought it was so great. He says our children's bad behaviors are like the part of an iceberg sticking up out of the water. We try to stop the behavior and change it by addressing the lying, sassing, and defiance. He says that is like trying to avoid an iceberg only looking at the top. The real problem or danger lies below the water. With out children what lies below the water represents their past before coming into our homes. It is huge and is what reallyl needs to be addressed. So when our children have problems today we need to stop and think "What is the real issue here?" It is generally not taking out the trash, or refusing to put on their shoes or staring at you. It is the fear beneath. So today when Bear or Taz have a problem I am going to try a more gentle loving approach and address the iceberg beneath. Let the issue take the back burner. For example if they are sassing. "I love you and am never going to leave you. You are safe." and turn and walk away. I would come back later when he is regulated and say "When you sass I feel afraid and hurt because I see you are hurting and scared. I hope you will learn to feel safe because you are safe and you are never leaving. I hope you will learn to speak with love because you are loved." And I will turn and walk away. Stay tuned...... and have a healing day.


Karen Deborah said...

wow, would my kids think I am nuts if I did this? They do have fears, they do act out, this is a lot to think about. Just a note of caution, if our primary focus is the past we are driving through life looking in a rear view mirror. We have to be balanced, considering where we have been but moving ahead into the future.
I like this analogy, don't we all have icebergs, the part that isn't seen? I love how you make me think.
Keep stirring it up.

Brenda said...

Karen Deborah,

I so agree. But if our kids are going through life not looking in the rear view mirror but turned around looking behind them, they need to see it is safe to turn around and face forward. The past is gone. I am not the past. Our attachment therapist says everyone has some attachment issues from their past. Kids with RAD are terrified their past is not over.

Karen Deborah said...

come by left you something

Karen Deborah said...

THAT explains a lot!

Queen Mommy said...

Thank you for your food for thought today.....I enjoy your blog so much!