Friday, May 16, 2008

Perception/lying

I often wonder with my kids with RAD if they are lying or really see things so differently they perceive this as the truth. My boys had a great time at World's of Fun. Who wouldn't? My son with RAD says everything went fine. If there were any issues I will probably hear from a teacher today. He is all hung up on "facing his fears". When he was younger he wouldn't ride many of the rides because he was afraid. He is almost 16 now and rode everything. He was with another teen boy and all the kids were riding. I assume peer pressure had a lot to do with "facing his fears". I am going to encourage him to keep talking about it even though I think he just went and had a good time. I see this as a definite "in" to talking about facing his fears of mom at therapy on Tuesday. My youngest received an F on a large assignment because the teacher says he cheated. I have not had the energy to pursue this but need to. My youngest says he has no idea why the teacher thinks this. Is he lying or really doesn't think he did? Their whole perception of the world has been altered by trauma. It is very sad. I just have to keep hugging, assuring them they are safe and letting them know we will get through this together. Of course "together" can be frightening to them, but they need to hear it any way.

I would like to add the website for Byan Post that Bren and Denise have mentioned
http://www.postinstitute.com./

7 comments:

Bren said...

On the 8th of May, Charlotte had a very personal experience with God and it really has seemed to change her behaviors. She has not stolen anything (that I know of) since then (she normally steals everyday). She actually brought me a piece of gum the other day and said she found it on the desk, really wanted to steal it, but heard her conscience tell her not to. To prevent her from doing this, she felt the need to bring it to me. I praised her for how she dealt with this. Fast forward to last night....M&M's are in the house (hidden of course). This is unusual and Charlotte has a HUGE obsession with chocolate. She was tucked into bed at 7:30 with the understanding that she could watch Annie of Green Gables until 9:00 IF she stayed in her bed. (She has a video player and small tv in her room...videos only) Around 8:00 she came downstairs and as she came around the corner PAST the hall closet, she looked surprised to see me. She stuttered out some excuse about getting an eraser out of her jacket pocket, which she had past in the hallway. I was not buying it...I told her I felt she was up to no good and she had went against the agreement so she would need to go to bed, lights out. She SOBBED and cried that she was NOT up to no good and the thought of taking the m&m's did not even occur to her. She was extremely upset (very out of the ordinary for her...she shuts down when she is caught) She was adament that I needed to believe her. I ended up telling her that I had no way of knowing if she was lying...she has built a reputation for lying and stealing and I was basing my opinion on her past behaviors. I explained that it would take more than a couple oif weeks to "prove" herself and build a new reputation. Regardless, she broke the agreement and had to go to bed. I also let her know that only she and God know the truth and if she did not intend to steal, then she is not in trouble...our motto: "If you are not in trouble with God, you are not in real trouble."
All this to say that it is difficult to know when they are lying or not, but they need to "get it" that they have set up a reputation for themselves and ONLY THEY an change that. Nothing worse than telling the truth and not being believed.

Bren said...

Forgive all the typos...I haven't had my quota of coffee yet! Also, the Post DVD series I have is called "Healing for the Attachment Challenged, Angry and Defiant Child." It is subtitled "When Behavior Modification and Consequences Don't Work."

Brenda said...

bren,

Thanks. Great stuff there. I firmly believe our children must attach to us before they can begin to have a relationship with God. I think your daughter has had some amazing healing.

Tami Boesiger said...

Hmm. . .interesting question, Brenda. I've often thought the same thing about politicians and even people I love. Perception certainly varies widely. Maybe this is why I often wonder what people are thinking.

Glad the boys enjoyed the trip. Kelsi had a good time too. She did the rip cord two times, one right after the other. The girl's got more guts than her mother.

Brenda said...

Tami,

And a much stronger stomach than me!

Family Gregg said...

Mine knows when she is lying. It just takes her a while....sometimes a very long while to admit it. I always pray that the Lord reveals lies. It's funny how when I do...things pop up that I might have missed in the midst of life's distractions.

I make a habit of walking through the sequence of events...each and every time...which can be exhausting and tedious. Step by step....

What were you asked/told to do? Did you do that? Yes or no? Again....yes or no? What were you told to do? I don't care why you didn't. Yes or no? Yes? No? What is that called? Disobedience? Yes. That is disobedience. What do you need to say? Only if you mean it though. Loooooooooong pause. More justifications. The whole process starts again. What were you told to do? etc.etc.etc.

Finally. I lied. I disobeyed. I'm sorry. Then after another loooooooong pause.....will you firgive me?

Sometimes forgiving is the hardest part.

Family Gregg said...

And I make sure to let her know that the Lord is so good. He loves her so much that He reveals her untruth to her parents....who are the stewards of her life...the ones whom He has chosen to speak the truth in love, discipline, and instruct.