I am once again giving blogging a try. We are in the midst of attachment therapy at our house. On the website http://www.attachmentdisorder.net/ there is the story of a bridge. Your child with RAD is on one end of the bridge and you are on the other. Mom's tend to run across the bridge to meet our child at the first sign of their interest in coming across. Generally this ends up in scaring them and they blow up the bridge. We are hurt and wonder what happened and start again. They recommended that mom stay on the far side of the bridge and wait til the child comes all the way across. Our son R is a good ways across the bridge and we hope he'll be here soon. Our other son, A has just figured out that the bridge is there and is looking it over. Patience is a virtue!!!!!!!!
6 comments:
bridge discription is wonderful! very accurite too! the kids will blow up the bridge and sometimes the mom too! learning to "wait it out" and "don't take things personally" tough stuff. learning to laugh and be strong while trying to rearrange the childs fear of belonging(family) and needing you, hard!!
looking foreward to meeting you for a seminar! cindy
Cindy,
Unfortunately I've been blown up a few times myself. Sometimes we learn the hard way. Even then, it is still hard to stay on my side. I had to imagine a large iron gate with a lock and I'm behind the gate. A friend suggested I get out a lawn chair and sit down!
Brenda - I think you should get a bag of Oreos and a Diet Pepsi while you are waiting. ;-)
Renee-Make that a Diet Coke and I'm in!
my favorite discription of rad is an ice pond. kid is out sliding around and hits a soft spot WOOOH but slips past any "real" danger. well after the few soft spots it starts to crack... wider and starts to fall apart around the kid. kids gets pretty wet and SCARED!! ice water kills..but makes it back to the bank pretty wet and tired out. then picked up (court system)and put on a new frozen pond... kid is scared but willing to try the ice... smooth for a bit (honeymoon)then the soft spots, ice breaks into wide splits and swoop... new ice(placement)... this happens a few times or maybe for many times.
then there is a house on the other side of this pond kid's been dropped off close to the pond...(pre adoption) child is tough. you can't make me is weighing the kid down... and kid is scaredededed!!"they can't keep me safe! they keep trying to drown my tush!!now they say this place over there is the right place! yeah right."
the mother of the house across the frozen pond calls for the kid come on over we have hot chocolate and lots of fun, listen to the laughter and you can join in too!!mom says." need to test the ice on your side ??? okay do jumping jacks.. the ice holds... run and slide... ice holds... strong sitting and the ice holds..." kid has made it about 1/4th the way to the other side. and has grumbled off and on the entire way. mom still holding the fort and keeps making hot chocolate and other kids still laughing loud so the ice child can hear...mom says snuggle time and starts out across the pond. as she gets close to the kid and the fear heats up the ice and its getting mushy... kid is scared and getting that glazed look in his eyes!! mom has to think fast has to keep away but has to get the child to move gotta unglaze those eyes. soft loving eye contact, rules tight rules, keep leading the way never loosing sight of the the "scared part of the child" but still giving hugs and enourgement to keep child following. still jumping jacks and strong sitting to get strong enough to be able to trust.
about the middle the kid starts to really getting less scared (shaky bonding) and is starting to heat the ice pretty good and sometimes the foot steps melt away as the child takes a step so he tries back stepping and the mom has to stop and work on the eye contact and reminding the child you steped and were okay try a half step,,, see still ok. chlld starts to trust and mom and chold move closer to the house of love... when they are almost to the house the mom and child are holding hands and telling stories of the many tries to cross... the scared has turned to the warmth of bonding and the ice is melting as they step thru but they are only stepping in little bits of mud and they talk their way thru that... the pond meltds away and the weather turns to summer and the kids all play in the water and bask in the love pond....when winter cames again the child will go out and get stuck again and need mom to walk them back (change schools, change teachers, MOVE, date, high school, cars, graduation,NOW WHAT AFTER GRADUATION.... EACH TRIP ON THE ICE THE CHILD CAN TRAVEL FURTHER BEFORE THEY START TO GET SCARED AND NEED MOM TO NOTICE AND BRING BACK SOME INSIGHT) OUR KIDS CAN HEAL OUR KIDS CAN TRUST. OUR KIDS CAN LEARN AND FOR ME MAY NEVER LOVE ME IN THE MEANING OF LOVE I HAVE. MY CHILDREN LOVE ME WITH ALL THEY HAVE... THEY trust me. TO BE HONEST AND TO BE THERE WHEN THE ICE GETS THIN IF MY CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED TO BELIEVE CHILDREN ARE NEVER TO BE ABUSED THEN i have stopped the circle of abuse. if my children can have relationships with someone for a few years they have a start... if they can a lifetime would be better. my children still seem to gravitate twards the "unloveable" and relationships falling apart isn't always my childs total fault. that my child can say enough and walk away is also a good thing!! having enough self worth to know in icewater i can die... i need the warmth of love to keep swimming......
Cindy,
I haven't heard that one. It is very good and really makes the whole thing more visual for me. Thanks for sharing it.
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