I find the below video to be powerful. If I think about putting on RAD glasses, trauma glasses, that help me to see the world through my child's eyes what messages would I see? Perhaps:
"I'm scared to hug you."
"You are going to leave me."
"I am worthless."
I'm sure you can go on with the list. How we respond is changed by what we understand. Seek to understand your child. They need it. They deserve it. They are so scared. It helps me, if as I go through our day, and my child is angry, screaming, defiant, and unreasonable to STOP myself. Take a step back and take my own emotion out of the moment and look at the situation analytically. What happened right before the behavior? What is lying ahead of us in the day? What happened yesterday? And start asking questions. Are you sad your sister left for college? Are you nervous about going out of town to visit grandma tomorrow? Keep asking until your child says "Maybe". Help the child calm down before you talk. Change the subject. Find an activity to do together. Offer words of empathy during a rage. "I see you are feeling so sad today". "Go ahead and scream if it helps and then we'll use your words." Or even better yet, learn what sets them off and de-escalate before it gets into a rage. Look for physical changes, a certain look in the eye and then say "Do you need to scream?" Mine would NEVER have a rage if I gave them permission first. I'd say "Go ahead if you need to. I'm love you enough and am strong enough to let you." Total silence.
You can do this. Put on the correct glasses and then "Get it".