Monday, December 29, 2008

RAD and separation anxiety

My husband and I are celebrating 25 years of marriage on February 11! We are going away on a little trip, just the two of us. We leave Friday and will be gone a week. Taz is not taking it well. He is explosive to put it mildly. He is back to calling me a jerk. I told him I loved him and he said "Shut up." The alarm was pulled off his door this morning so sometime while we were in a deep sleep he got up and binged in the kitchen no doubt. What to do?

Operation Taz goes into effect today. We will be back to the 12 hugs a day. If he doesn't allow it, a pat on the arm, a high five or whatever he will allow. We will write each other notes to read each day while we are gone and then hide his. I'll read his once a day. I will give him a special sweet to put under his pillow for each day. Grandma and Grandpa are coming and they are great with the boys. I'm not worried about that at all.

It is hard to imagine after living with us for 10 of his 13 years that our little boys is this scared. He said "What if your plane is hi jacked?" I told him I had never heard of a plane being hi jacked on the way to a vacation spot. He said "There is a first time for everything." I told him it is something to pray about every day. This fear is so real. It is so deep.

9 comments:

waldenbunch said...

I just want to thank you and encourage you for your transparency and honesty. I shared with you a few weeks back in a pit of despair with our 3 RADishes. Just knowing someone else fights this battle on a daily basis is encouraging. I just want to wish you a fabulous anniversary celebration. Us mothers who are living a life of healing and distrust at the same time need every moment of peace we can get! God bless you.

Brenda said...

Waldenbunch,

Thank you so much. I truly appreciate the enouragement. Today has been brutal. They are filled with fear, but are accepting no comfort. I am being punished for leaving, or "abandoning them" as they see it. All I can do is pray and keep trying to comfort.

Story of our Life said...

(((HUGS)) Hang in there Brenda. I'm sorry that today (and the days ahead) will be a struggle.

I hope and pray that your kiddos can find some peace during the next week or so. At the same time you and dh are able to do the same.

You are such a source of encouragement and I love, love, love reading your posts. I am picking up bits and pieces here and there and using them in a respite 'aspect' w/the little girl that we have each weekend.

One step in front of the other...

Brenda said...

Story of our life,

I appreciate your encouragement so much. One foot in front of the other is how we are currently functioning. We did have some good talks as we ran errands today. I went to one of those places where you can make meals ahead to prepare for your freezer. Ours is www.dinnerdatekitchen.com Then hubby's mom can just put them in the oven each night.

jun1488 said...

Hi Brenda...I found your site yesterday and have really enjoyed reading it...We have a daughter who is almost 6....adopted from Guatemala at 9.5 months old...and two bio sons the oldest has one semester left and graduates from college...and second son a couple more yrs...in college to go...owe actually raised my neice when my first son was just 2 weeks old...she was 7 when she came and left at 17...that was alot of yrs ago and she developed RAD after some abuse...it was such a nightmare and there was not the help that is available today...not sure how my marriage survived but it did! 22yrs...last June...anyway so for yrs I wanted to adopt but hubby was not on board...due to the experience with neice...and who could blame him!

But we did and what I feared the most...happened! She hated me never bonded to me but bonded to my husband and two sons...it did not help that I shattered my knee after she was only home for 3 months and was in a wheelchair and not weight bearing for a LONG time...But..she bonded almost immediately to my moms husband..her papa...and he adored her..he was in his mid 50's so young and active and just LOVED her...well when she had been home a couple yrs he was diagnosed with terminal cancer...and lived another 20 months...I really thought we would lose her over that..Just now almost 2 yrs later..has the grieve and trauma for her subsided a bit...

I am writing today because it really struck a cord when you talked about going away and your son already struggling with it...My husband and I went last Jan now a yr ago...to a Nancy Thomas conference for 3 days..it was wonderful...and we had left Brooklyn one other time...for a couple days and she was totally fine...we were even at the conference telling Nancy how wonderful Brooklyn was doing and all the healing that had taken place...well we came home...and we had a totally different child than when we left...she was out of her mind crazy..it was unbelieveable..so we did speed dial Nancy! But she was out of town and it took her a bit to get back to us....and during that time...I just didnt not know how we were going to bring her back to some place of peace and being able to cope...so I started right back at the beginning...we started all the techniques I had learned and moved on from over again...and it worked...but took a long time...now I am afraid to leave her again! She is doing really well though...but at anytime that could change! I hope your son is able to process this and that by him sharing all this fear of you leaving before you leave will help him while you are gone...and that things will go smoothly once you get back home!

I just love this little girl so much but she had been a challenge!
Today she has talked all day and seemed so needy....I am counting down the next 10 minutes before we can tuck her into bed! My husband is playing a game with her...and I am thinking...it wont be soon enough! Some days are just wonderful ....but you understand that I imagine!
Enjoying your blog...and it is nice to hear from others in this same boat...so many families we came home with never had any issues...or so they said! I felt so cheated for awhile...like why us...but God knew we would do what it took to help her heal...and so day in and day out...we do what we can to help that healing continue...

Brenda said...

jun1488,

It is nice to meet you. Thanks for sharing about your children. Some people adopt with no complications. Some people don't get to see the miracle of healing. Taz has been healing for over a year and so has shown us he can recover from set backs. Bear is just beginning his healing. We will see how it goes. It is almost like they were tag teaming today. Whew!!!!!!!! I try to just focus on the fear and sadness and go right to it. That works best for us. I'm so happy to meet you.

Karen Deborah said...

He will be alright, the grandparents are wonderful, and the marriage needs some R&R. healthy marriage happy home...I know I'm always way to simplistic with your complicated life but that's how I cope with complications....reduce them to something simplistic. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Brenda said...

Karen Deboah,

I agree 100 per cent!

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