Thursday, September 4, 2008

Stress + RAD = AHHHHH

I washed my cell phone in the washing machine. Water is leaking into the basement from somewhere in the kitchen. The plumber is here now. I need to mail packages to our two daughters in college because they contain not only cookies but some papers and other items they need. I have some homework for Research class that is statistics that are very difficult and I need to go through with the book and the exercises and look at them carefully to figure it all out. Our dogs go to the groomer today. They are a shaggy mess. I have a chiropractors appointment. Bear has an orthodontists appointment. Then fish has a chiropractors appointment. Besides that there is the usual vacuuming, laundry, groceries. This is my life. I love it.

Then throw in the RAD. This morning the conversation went like this. "Bear you have argued with almost every single thing I have said this morning." Bear: "Not every single thing." Me: "I said almost. I did not say every. Thank you for agreeing with me." Bear: "Well I was way nicer to you then I could have been. If you wanted to see me be mean I can be a whole lot worse than that. You should see the kids at school if you think I am so bad." OK. This all stemmed from me stating he is arguing too much winding down to me thinking he is as bad as the worst kids at school. We talk in circles. Never going anywhere. Never solving anything. I just end with "I'm sorry you feel sad today." "I'm not sad." He continued to criticize or argue with every statement. "The way you are going to school is longer than the route Fish takes to school. "(Bear said) that sort of thing. I chose not to reply. I just dismiss it. What is my motive in continuing the conversation? Do I have to prove I'm right? Do I have to get in the last word? Do I need control? These are important questions to ask myself. JUST LET IT GO. Show love instead. I prepare the boys scrambled eggs, toast, and sausage or bacon on school days. I do the brushing for Bears back. I muster a "Good morning Bear" in the most pleasant voice I have. I play Mozart softly while they eat. These are ways I show him I love him in the mornings.

Then I need to focus on the other people in the family. They need positive touch, pleasant words and encouragement as well. They respond positively to these things. They need it. I need to see the response. Focusing on the one person who cannot do this at the present time is not healthy for any of us.

So today, if you have the normal life stresses and the RAD mixed in, focus on the healthy people. On the things you'd like to accomplish in your day. Don't let RAD define your family. It is not who you are.

9 comments:

Christine said...

My favorite:

"You seem to need to argue about everything today."

"No, I don't!!"

OR

"Thank you for arguing with me."

"I'm NOT ARGUING!"

:)

Brenda said...

: )Have you been listening at our windows? ; ) I know. BTDT.

Rick said...

Good post there Bren - only I began to feel the stress build up in me while I was reading the list of things you had to do.

I could almost laugh while I read your conversation with Bear. Our oldest, the one getting married next month, while she does not suffer with RAD, could ARGUE with us, around and round any point. It drove us nutty sometimes (all the time - actually).

Hang in there kid-o!

Rick

Melissa said...

Yes, you are listening at my windows too. The constant arguing with everything I say - and his opinions (that are always right, of course)on anything and everything - oh, man, no wonder I'm always tired.

You had me totally stumped with how in the world (and why) you take your fish to the chiropractor. BAH HA! Had forgotten that Fish is a person.

Brenda said...

Ricky,

Well, we tell Fish he should become a lawyer. He is an arguer in the normal obnoxious teen sense.

Melissa,

Bwahahahahah! I laughed out loud on that one! Oh. As for the arguing. I ask myself often what he is getting from arguing. He gets my attention. If it gets heated he gets that adrenelain rush. I need to take it all away by not responding or by responding lovingly.

Christine said...

I totally read the fish thing the exact way as melissa, for a split second! ha! ha!

*****

The only thing that brings a bigger argument than pointing out that he arguing, is pointing out that he's arguing to seek control.

Makes sense. It must be terrifying for them to realize that we see through some of their tools to keep that perceived safety. My ds explodes when I implement a new strategy that works directly against one of these mechanisms of control. I have to let him get through the freaking out, and then talk about it again! Ya' know ... when he has finally finally moved a tiny bit closer to the front of his brain.

Brenda said...

I think tomorrow I will write about hygiene. YUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

Unspeakable Joy said...

oh yes, all of our windows! great reminder to take care of the healthy ones! my poor healthy boy does get neglected.

ali said...

isnt it funny how these RAD guys think they only need to bathe yearly(at best), but yet thismorning i caught him cleaning his SHOES with my kitchen sponge?????? OY OY OY!