A mother's heart is so tender towards her children. We can easily be hurt. I have a cupboard with photos, memorabilia, and scrap booking supplies. I am not an avid scrap booker but do try to do a nice one for my kids on birth through 8th grade and then do one with them on their high school years. Anyway I opened a drawer to put in some photos and found a book Taz had made at school. It must have been this last year because I've never seen it and he stuck it in there to save for himself. The front cover had a large photo of him holding up a book. The title of his book was his birth mom's name. He has a big smile and looks very proud. For some reason it pierced my heart. Silly. I know they have a birth mom. They will always be tied to her. She is a part of them. Even though they have a lot of anger toward her, one thing we learned in therapy is that a part of them will always love her too. My point in this story is this: We don't always know why we react the way we do. I will be mulling this over and trying to figure out why that photo hit me the way it did. Our logic and our hearts don't always cooperate. That is the good thing about Beyond Consequences parenting. It causes us to take a look at illogical reactions and figure out what is going on within ourselves. Staying regulated our selves makes us better parents and for me I feel a whole lot better about myself when my mouth stays under control. Lying really sets some moms off. It is not one of my triggers but other behaviors are. I'll let you know when we get there : ) If it is a trigger for you stop and ask yourself if you were lied to as a child. Really hurt by a liar. If so you need to work through those issues, maybe we your therapist so you can parent a child who is a liar. It is a large part of what goes on with our kids.
Ok. Lying itself. I will probably add on to this as the day goes on so if this is a topic you need more information on check back. If you have things to add leave the address and I will add your comments on and give you credit. Here are some things that work for Family Gregg that she left in her comments yesterday. Thanks! Reactive Attachment Disorder
Here is a post I wrote previously on lying that has a couple of links to professional articles on lying. lying and RAD
And I want to end with the Bryan Post information I gained from the videos Bren lent to me. He says to "Ignore the lie and pay attention to the child." Let's face it the child is NOT going to say "Yes. I lied." They are going to become dysregulated and blow up. So instead he says to calmly say to the child "I love you. I am never going to leave you. You are safe." Hug them and walk away. Wait until a time when they are calm and go in and talk about lying in general, not the one specific lie. Such as: "I am really hurt when you do not tell me the truth. It tells me you do not feel safe enough with me to be honest. I want you to feel safe enough to be honest and tell the truth. I feel so bad that you do not" Or something along those lines. Hug them, turn and walk away again. You have not addressed the specific lie but have talked with them about something much bigger and that is lying in the future. Make sure to make loving eye contact. Use gentle touch that your child is comfortable with. Maybe just touch the shoulder. If they will not allow that pat them as you walk away. Try in some way to become attuned to them. If they look in your eyes and feel that attunement they feel understood. It is then they will begin to care. I will say as your child begins to heal the honesty does develop. We have seen this in Taz. He does have melt downs. He does regress but the feeling of safety has really grown and so the need to lie is not so strong. So have hope. There is hope!
PS. I am adding this comment by Simply Moms at Attaching Hearts :
"We always give a consequnce for lying. Before the consequence is given...the child needs to articulate why the consequnce is coming....w/eye contact. We always wait....sometimes a loooooong time for an apology. Everyone affected by the lie needs to hear an apology...w/eye contact. After the aplogies ....we always say, "So is this working for you?...The lying thing?" If we ourselves do not forgive...it is a problem between us and the Lord. We forgive w/eye contact."
And from Ali at Crawford Life & Times
"one thing that has ALWAYS worked well with us? we approach discussions with jack in the car while driving. he's in the back, he doesn't have to make ANY eye contact at all, and really opens up! these guys HATE having to look at you and you can get lots of juicy info at half price! well.. for FREE! try it! "