Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The difference.

I know there are a few of you who come here that do not have children with RAD. I appreciate the fact that you come here. I want to give an example today of the differences in my children with RAD and especially my one who does. The flowers above were given to me by our daughter Dancer. She has been dating a boy whose parent's farm for over 2 years. She was out working with them the other day and came across a field of sunflowers they were going to shred. Actually, she was. She showed me the picture of herself driving the tractor. Impressive. : ) Anyway, she said "Wait. I want to get some flowers for my mom first." And stopped and cut me some. AWWWWWWWWWWWW. Aren't they pretty. They are the new wallpaper on my laptop as well. When I look at them I feel loved. She had asked me if I wanted to do a craft project with her. So we sat down with some type of art board last night and painted cute saying with paint markers. I painted a sunflower and wrote "Dancer (only I did use her name) You are a gift from the Lord." There was very little talking as we sat there quietly painting for about 2 hours.

I was so aware of the difference of my life with our children with RAD and our children without. I can take Fish on a trip to Lincoln and have normal conversation. I can talk with Eagle on the phone and enjoy talking with her. Taz is getting better. We do have some normal conversations now. But then there is Bear. I do not believe I have ever had a conversation that I would call a comfortable relaxed conversation. There have been times when he was open and honest about his feelings about his past and that is as close as it has come. He would NEVER stop and cut me flowers. He would never ask me to sit and paint with him and if he did he would talk nonstop about absolutely nothing. He would yell at siblings as they walked by. He would show me his picture every 5 seconds and ask me if it was good. It is so hard to enjoy him. He was extremely jealous that I was doing this project with dancer and I finally had to send him from the room. He was trying to argue with anyone within ear shot, dominate our conversation and join in. I told him this was my time with Dancer. She leaves for college on Sunday. I will be glad to do a project with him. In fact if I will go buy more board and attempt to do this with the boys as well. It will not go well with Bear. Taz and Fish are not too into art but might enjoy giving it a try. So while I LOVE my sunflowers, they do make me so aware of what I do not have with Bear.


The Broken Man said...

I am one of theose readers who you were aiming the post at - and thank you; it gave me a real insight into your situation.

The Broken Man

Brenda said...

The Broken Man,

Yes you were. I appreciate your interest in these kids and their lives.

Melissa said...

I sooooooooo understand this!! I'm sorry - for you and for me, for bear and my son.

On a total side note, have you investigated neurofeedback? I'm very interested in pursuing this for my son. Would love to hear any input from you!

ali said...

siiiggghhh i SO hear you. jack & i do have "normal" conversations, but he wouldnt think to cut me flowers either. every mothers day and every birthday(for me) is the same thing:
"why we have mothers day? what this for anyway? what the big deal? why you make mom pancake? why you give her the card? do i have to sign it? why? what why for is this?
drives me crazy! even though i know why hes doing it, its anoying!

Brenda said...


We have not tried neurofeedback. I don't know much about it.


I call Mother's Day and my birthday "I hate mom day."

Simply Moms said...

Those flowers are beautiful. Your daughter is beautiful. Her love for you is beautiful. To heck w/everything else. At the very are greatly loved and have greatly loved.

Brenda said...

Simply Mom,

Thanks. The boys all have their first full day of school tomorrow. Dancer and I are going to spend the whole day in the big town north of here. She leaves for college Sunday. I will be sad.

Renee said...

Brenda - Thanks for this post. I think sometimes people who don't "know" a kid with RAD frequently think we are just talking about general orneriness. I really thought I was losing my mind with A. I had never parented a child like her. I had never met a child like her. I found out a few years later that I had a scewed vision of "normal". I thought my older two were healthy, attached kids. A's counselor pointed out that from what he could see - All 3 had attachment issues, but A's were so severe that the other's seemed easy.

In retrospect I disagree with him. J has neurological issues that are more physically based and less emotionally based. She really fits more on the Autism spectrum in symptom description.

Huh? I think I lost my train of thought. Anyway thanks for pointing out that you recognize "normal" when you see it. That we aren't just cranky parents.

Renee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emiley said...

I learn much from you - and just enjoy keeping up with your family! Many of your ideas and techniques apply to general parenting, so I appreciate that. Plus, when my kids are pushing my buttons, it gives me some perspective.

Brenda said...

Thanks Em.

Unspeakable Joy said...

shoot, how did i lose your blog? ack, now i have much to catch up on! i'm going to link to you so i don't lose it again. it's just amazingly different in our house too. our first son is so loving and fun to be with and so darn easy. it's like he makes it worse spending time with the others. but i'm glad we have him!