I thought I'd go through the rad symptoms and talk about how they have affected our family. I realize each child is different and I cannot tell you what to do. I can tell you what has worked and not worked for us.
Superficially Engaging and Charming: People often tell me how much my boys love me. "He speaks so highly of you." They tell people I am the best cook, the prettiest, the nicest and that I love them. They smile and carry on a conversation and people say they are so cute, polite and well behaved. They tell me what a difference I have made. We get in the car to go home and these same sweet boys tell me I don't care. I don't know what I am talking about. I am stupid. They want me to leave them alone. To stay away. To "Keep my stinkin' hands off of them". They have at time destroyed many things in our home, stolen from me and lied continuously. How do you deal with this? Realize first of all, that these are symptoms of a deeper issue. I find it is ineffective to try and stop this behavior because that is like trying to stop someone who has a cold from sneezing. Treat the cold. So therapeutic parenting and therapy will help with this more. When people make the comments about how wonderful the kids are, I avoid rolling my eyes and bristling. I try to just say "Thanks. I am glad they were kind." (Or whatever word fits the situation) I try to compliment the child on the behavior and give them a big hug. They may react venomously but that is OK. I try to tell them I know they are sad (or afraid) and that it is safe to act out with me. That I am glad they know they are safe to act that way when they are around me. I try to tell them to go ahead and let all their angries out. They need to get it out. Not taking this behavior personally is one of the hard ones. Notice I said "try" many times. Sometimes I fail. That is OK. I try again. Thomas Edison said "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. "