"When you are up to your rear in alligators....

don't forget your purpose was to drain the swamp." My clinical assessment professor used this as an illustration last night and of course, my mind went straight to RAD. It is easy to get caught up in the lying, stealing, urination, food hoarding, etc. While we cannot ignore those issues, they are not the main thing. The main thing is lack of attachment. So we need to really focus on:empathy, gentle touch, loving words and looks, sweet foods fed from our hands. We have to stop worrying so much about the alligators and drain that swamp!!!! I am talking to myself here friends! I hope it encourages you as well.

Living with RAD

My goodness. We have had so much RAD behavior since we came home from our trip on January 12. It has escalated daily. I have tried every thing I can think of and NOTHING has made a bit of difference. Taz has had made some very strong attachment in the past so I knew down deep that we would get to him eventually. I was just shocked it was taking so long. I emailed our attachment therapist who we have not seen in many months. Taz was promoted out of attachment therapy. He suggested getting him to EMDR therapy. Once again I saw the miracle of EMDR happen right before my eyes. I am such a believer in the calming effect on this therapy in dealing with trauma. It is so worth checking into!! It has not worked with Bear in the past but he is not open about his feelings either.

Here is some info on EMDR: http://www.emdr.com/

If you would like to find someone who uses EMDR in their therapy just google the name of your state and EMDR therapy like this "Nebraska, EMDR therapy". The person should specialize in people who have suffered trauma and completed 2 levels of training. They generally state this.

I'd just like to say here and now "JOAN ROCKS". (our EMDR therapist)

RAD regulation

We have been talking a lot at home about regulating yourself. I told the boys we have a thermostat on our wall to regulate the temperate in our home. If it gets to hot the thermostat causes the furnace to go back off. If it gets to cold it comes back on so that our house stays at a fairly even temperature.

When our emotions become out of control we begin to get "hot". Here are some ways to regulate yourself. Drop your shoulders. When we are tense our shoulders come up. I do this often during the day and am surprised how often they are up! Slow down your breathing. When we are tense we begin breathing faster. Breathing more slowly and deeply provides more oxygen. I have a short little song I sing to myself so I stop talking.

In church on Sunday I looked up to see Bear toe to toe with another high school student on the front row. He had made fists at his side and was looking him in the eye. Apparently Bear had laid his things down to sit there and walked away. This boy had moved his things and sat in the chair. Bear was willing to fight him standing on the front row of our 500 something congregation. My husband was home sick with a sinus infection. I immediately started walking down the aisle motioning for him to come. He just kept saying over and over "He is in my spot and won't move." He finally came to me and I began to lightly rub his back and work on calming him. I told him just to let it go and find a new chair. Just then our youth pastor walked up and asked him to sit with him. We finally got him calmed and he sat down. I went back to my seat. A few minutes later Bear turned around and mouthed the words "thank you". We talked afterwards about regulating yourself and what to do when you are feeling so angry.

I don't know if we can get to a place where he uses self regulation but I have to admit it helps me. I make sure he sees me doing it during tense times. You can also throw in a little EMDR. I sometimes tap my legs or arms (with them crossed) left right left right. This is physically calming to a brain. I have a squishy ball I found at Bed,Bath and Beyond for $1. I use it before grad school exams. I squeeze left right left right. I also chew gum when I am tense. Find ways to regulate yourself and practice them. Talk with your child if they are old enough about what you are doing and have them practice when they are not upset. If you can catch them before they go into a rage they may be willing to use them and then deserve a sweet caramel or a little ice cream and a snuggle! Have a healing day!

Your Board of Directors

I'm having a lazy, absolutely delicious Saturday. I've done a couple of craft projects I wanted done and am going to go work out after this. I asked Fish if he'd like to have a friend sleep over last night and we enjoyed him and his friend this morning. GREAT KID. Anyway, I thought this would be a great day to post since on Monday I start back in with homework and am more hurried.

In Career Development Class which is basically career counseling we talked about having a board of directors. In my life I have a board of directors. These are the people I go to when I need advice or help. This can include parenting, spiritual, financial, clothing, emotional dumping, automotive repair or education. They need to be people you trust, people who tell you like it is and not people who tell you what you want to hear. Looking at the above photo if you were to name your board of directors who would they be? You might even want to write them down on a piece of paper. It could include parents, friends, pastors, teachers, therapists, mechanics or any number of people. After you make your list next to their name write the position they hold for example for me behind Jean I would write Grad school as she is my advisor. Behind Chris (hubby) I would write several things; finances, listening, logical opinions. I think this is an important exercise for a couple of reasons. First, it may help you to realize you have more support in your life than you realized. Second, it may help you realize you need to add to your board of directors as it is not enough support. Think of people in your life you may need to take and chance and open up too. This what I had to do along the way. My board of directors was quite small because I was a very private person and am not good at asking for help. I had to work on both of those things and pick a couple of people to be more open with. Having a strong support system is essential when raising kids with RAD. Check out your Board of Directors and be thankful for them. If your Board is quite small please consider adding to it and expanding your support. You will feel much stronger if you do. It is also important if you have been in attachment therapy for awhile to think about what you will do when therapy is over. It is easy to become very reliant on your therapist for parenting advice. In order to make that break eventually you will need a Board of Directors backing you up! Have a healing weekend!

Morning mad

Mornings are especially rough at our house. I have come up with a variety of ways to keep it calm. Sometimes they are successful, sometimes not. When we were deep in attachment therapy we did strong sitting for 5 minutes each morning. Check the labels to the right bottom of my blog if you would like to read about strong sitting. It is not a punishment but a way of self regulating. My children who have RAD eat breakfast in their rooms. I suppose the isolation is not a good thing but they seem to do well with starting out having a little time alone. I work hard to keep them separated in the mornings. I still sometimes play Mozart which calms me if nothing else.

Bear is very angry this morning and has thoroughly chewed me out several times for making him take his allergy medicine right away. ???????????? I finally said "You seem to have woke up very angry this morning." His response "Why wouldn't I?" How awful it must be too have RAD. My response "Why would you?" He said because he was tired. I did not even bring up that I had class last night and got to bed very late and then was up early with them. That would have turned it into a game of one upmenship in his mind. I just said "Being tired is not reason to yell at your family. The people who love you." He silently turned around and walked out. So sad. So scared.

This, that and that other thing

Good morning! I enclosed a photo of me in my swim suit this morning. What do ya think? Pretty daring huh?

Turns out after yesterday mornings fight Taz covered his mouth with his scarf and didn't get any blood on his clothes. Whew! Glad for that. A friend gave me the great idea of having Bear pay to dry clean what ever is bloody and so he will pay to dry clean the scarf.

I wanted to update on some medical things we have been checking into. The doctor checked Bear's hormone levels a while back. They were low but not low enough to be a disorder of some sort. He still sent us to an endicrinologist to see if it could effect his mood. He did more blood work yesterday and is checking not only the hormone levels but had some concern over his thyroid numbers.

If your child has been in attachment therapy for over a year and you are not making any progress; if you feel you are following the advice of your attachment therapist and truly living attaching parenting behavior and still your child is stuck; if you have tried psychiatrists and every medication known to mankind with no change; I would seek out a neuropsychologist for a full evaluation. That is how we found the sensory integration dysfunction and the dysthymia. I would also talk to your doctor about checking hormone (if age appropriate) and thyroid levels and ask them to make sure there are no medical reasons for the moodiness. All we can do is keep exploring the possibilities. If your child is diagnosed with RAD the attachment threatment can be effective. But if there are other things coming into play they can be holding your child back in attachment as well. Keep looking. Never, never, never quit.

RADvicious fighting

Yesterday for Taz's birthday one of his gifts was jeans and a shirt. I know, every 14 year old boys dream gift. Oh well. It is so hard to dress this child so he looks nice. I feel like I try and then he ends up looking very sloppy most of the time. I haven't put my finger on it. Could it be the uncombed hair, the crooked glasses, the dirt smeared on the pants? I don't know. Anyway this new outfit from American Eagle looked sharp! These pants fit him PERFECTLY. He is excited to wear his new clothes to school today. So off the three boys go to school. Fish drives them every morning and I had set down in the recliner and was digging my way through Clinical Asssessment notes. The phone rings. Bear has punched Taz in the mouth and there is blood all over. Taz went into school and they were on their way to the high school. I could hear Bear yelling in the back ground. What am I supposed to do from here???? I told him just to get to school. I figured he needed to get out of the car and away from Bear. So in the spirit of frustration I am going on a mental break to Antigua. Care to join me?

My husband and I coming back in from sailing.

On of the most romantic days was when Hubby and I went on a Sunset Cruise. It was beautiful.

This is a picture of the Sandals resort from the balcony of one of the bigger buildings at the back. I cannot say enough good things about Sandals. Clean, excellent food, great all inclusive features, safe. I could go on and on.

The photo at the top I took one morning when I went to walk on the beach before breakfast. The rainbow was a pleasant surprise. There was usually a little short shower each morning and evening and then beautiful weather the rest of the day. Ahhh. I feel better now.

Jealousy and other RADiness

I believe it was Cara that asked how the boys have been since we arrived home last Sunday. Ick. There that's my blog for the day....It could be. Taz has tried regrouping a few times and reigning himself in but it is just too much. Here's the clincher. Yesterday was my husband's birthday. Today is Taz's birthday. If you have kids with RAD I need say no more. Some of you don't so I'll explain.

When parents leave for an evening (when I go to class), a weekend or as did for a week it stirs up their feelings of abandonment. They are so afraid of us not returning. Then when we do come home they are so angry. They do not verbalize why they are angry very well so we need to help them verbalize it. "You thought I must not be coming home. That must have been very frightening." "You are angry I left and now you want to pay me back." "You are developing a loving relationship and it scares you to think you might lose it." Try a variety of things until you see the light bulb go on and then give them empathy. They need the reassurance that their feelings are understood and validated. Then you can point out that you DID return and every thing is fine. There will still be explosions though.

Then there is the birthdays. Someone is getting a lot of attention and it is not them!! Someone is receiving gifts and they have NOTHING! Someone is getting love and they have NONE. It is horrible for them. If they are the birthday child they do not thing they deserve a second of it. They don't want the showering of love and they don't deserve the gifts many of which may be broken by the end of the day.

All we can do is reassure. Talk about it ahead of time. Prepare as much as we can. We are very careful what kinds of gifts we buy. There are not a lot of expensive electronics because the chances of its survival are so low. And then just go into it without a bunch of preconceived expectations. It is what it is. A hard day for them. Taz picked his favorite meal for me to prepare tonight. He had a hard time because he doesn't like much of anything I prepare. He finally decided on breakfast. Fine. We will have pancakes and scrambled eggs and a Dairy Queen birthday cake. Happy Birthday Taz!! We'll get through it together and hope tomorrow is a better day!

Schooling the RADilicious child

After thinking about school for a couple of days I think I'll just give some basic tips on how we have handled different problems that have come up with our kids. If I don't hit on a topic that you need info on please let me know. If I don't know I bet another mom who reads here does and will be glad to help. That's how you all are. : ) I will also continue to sneak in photos of our anniversary trip!!

Triangulation: Over the years our boys have chosen a teacher or para to "befriend". They really play up to this one person and are sweet and very manipulative. They make sure to discuss how mean we are, we will not help them with their homework, we ignore them, have no paper or pencils in our house....yada yada yada. This unsuspecting teacher or para totally falls for it. The sad thing is that sooner or later our child will turn on them and they will be shocked to find the child is not attached to them at all but has been using them. If you see your child using another adult "against" you I think it is important to be kind, but informative about RAD. Give them information on RAD in a short paragraph explaining about triangulation. I also let the person know we are working very hard at building an attachment with our child. When he believes the child's words about us and tries to build a "special" bond with them it weakens the attachment at home. They need to keep a professional but friendly relationship with the child.

Discipline: Traditional discipline does not work. Contracts, rewards systems and sticker charts are generally ineffective for a child who does not have cause and effect thinking and places no value on material things. There are some very helpful tips about school at attachment.org and attachmentdisorder.net

Homework: Is our child's job. We have a desk, a cupboard full of supplies and a time set for homework. They sit there for the specific amount of time. You need to decide what is appropriate for your child's age and development level. I do not believe in making a grade school child sit for an entire evening until it is done. I give a specific amount of time for the assignment and when the time is up they get up done or not. They can deal with the consequences at school. It eliminates power struggles and gives the child some time to unwind and do other things.

Pretending not to know: This is a tricky one. Kids with RAD love this game. "I don't know how to do it" means the adults will jump through the hoops to help and they sometimes don't have to do a thing but sit there and look sad. The trick is that sometimes they really don't know, but most often they do. I will explain a topic carefully for one or two problems and then it is up to them. If they still say they don't know they have to sit for the allotted time and then they can ask the teacher the next day. This one is a tough call.

Peer relationships: Our kids often seek out the trouble kids to "play with" at recess. It was only when our kids started healing they had a desire to change this. Now the problem is learning to make friends with emotionally healthy kids. This is discouraging to them and needs lots of role playing of different situations such as standing in line, taking turns, etc.

IEP: If your child is not in special ed I believe requesting an IEP (Individual Education Plan) is important. Our children were tested and are in special ed as Other Health Impaired due to ADHD. This gives them a resource room to go to when they fall apart emotionally. They sometimes go there when there is a test and they can't focus or get help when they can't get their brains to slow down enough to do the work.

Also check out: http://www.specialeducation4families.com/

All other ideas and comments are welcome! Have a healing weekend!

Ch ch change

My husband hates change. He likes things to be the same: food, schedule, my hair (which I change often) clothes. I like this about him most of the time because it is calming to me. He is stable, unchanging and consistent in a world that can be unstable, always changing and inconsistent. I myself find change invigorating as long as it is positive.

Children with RAD find change terrifying. It causes explosive behavior. It feels out of control. It brings up all the feelings of abandonment. The days before our trip caused massive behavior issues in our boys. We reassured, talked, talked, and talked all we could. I found soft fuzzy foot massagers on clearance at WalMart for $3 and told them to use them while we were gone. They used them often and love them. Taz did NO school work while were gone. When our kids were younger we'd make paper chains for them for the number of days we'd be gone. They could tear one off each day. After we left I heard the idea of laminating a map and giving them our itinerary so they can track where we are. The care giver can give them caramels or ice cream each day and say it is was left by mom with love.

Usually when we get home from a trip there is pay back. They are angry with us for leaving and let it all out. Interestingly enough Bear, who had only begun healing right before we left has not done this. We bought him a rock turtle as a souvenir which he loves and carries around. He is calmed by our return. He is still a quirky kid and will always march to the beat of a different drummer. I don't think that is going to change. Taz has been a mess...BUT on a positive note it only lasted until yesterday. Yesterday evening he sat down and did his homework. He came and sat near me to read afterwards. He hugged me good night. So we have much to appreciate even in the midst of the explosions. I found a huge amount of food containers hidden under Taz's bed so he really ate his feelings while we were gone. It is easier to parent them if we remember the reason they are doing these behaviors is not because they are hate us or are bad people. They are so so afraid of love and trust. It is easier to mask it with anger then to show the fear. Get below the anger and talk about the fear. That is where the real feelings are. Have a healing day.

Loving your Marriage Relationship

We are back~We had a glorious time, 7 days in Antigua celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. I have more photos then even the best friend would want to see so I won't bore you with them all but will post one now and then.

Our trip gave me much time sitting or walking on the beach and allowing for reflextion. I like to ask myself often what I am doing in my life that I feel good about, what would make our schedule run more smoothly what would make relationships more closely knit. One of the things I will be doing is blogging probably twice a week instead of every day. I would really like for my posts to be meaty information that will be valuable to you as moms and dads of kids with RAD. Any topics of interest to you are of interest to me so please feel free to let me know if you'd like a certain issue to be discussed.

Marriage.

Of course, we also had much time to spend alone as a couple. This particular Sandals we stayed at is for Couples Only and is really geared for romance. They do a great job. Maybe you are not at a point in your life where you can take off for any place for a week. That is OK. Work with your schedule and what you CAN do. Never focus on what you cannot do. It only discourages you. Here are a few ideas I have for keeping your marriage a priority. It is easy when you have kids who demand your time and attention, add in some triangulation, and your marriage can suffer. Here we go:

Free:
A quick phone call during the day.
A note.
Attend church together.
Pick one show to watch together without the kids each week. For us, it is Seinfeld.
Do a chore the other person normally does without being asked.
Back or foot rub.
Call and ask if there is anything that your spouse would like for you to do for them today.
Go for a walk.
Send a free e-card. http://www.hallmark.com/
Pray together.
Have a devotional time together.
Cheap:
Drop off his favorite snack at his office.
Run out for ice cream, pop or coffee.
Buy him a card
Go to the dollar movies.
Meet for lunch during the day.
Rent a DVD to watch without kids. It does not have to involve The Wiggles or Scooby Doo.
Treats:
Learn a new hobby neither one of you has tried. We play golf about once each spring and fall. We stink. We don't keep score. We pick up the ball and throw it out of hard places. We bring along a sack lunch and have a picnic.

Plan a date night and get a sitter. We have friends we trade with.
Leave the kids with friends or grandparents and go away for a night or weekend.
Get a massage at a spa together.
Surprise him with tickets to an event he enjoys that you normally don't go too. Chris enjoys hockey tickets. I don't but I remind myself it is for him.

Our kids with RAD were taught an incorrect definition of love. Love hurts. We can show them by example what love really is. Take care of your relationship with your spouse. Our kids are watching. As my girls have become older, they remember very little of the profound things I thought I said. They remember what I did. It is surprisingly easy to fall into our children's dysfunctional form of love instead of standing firm and displaying healthy love. Taking care of your love relationship with your spouse will keep you both happier, stronger and better parents.

Love is patient; love is kind.Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way:it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrong doing, but rejoices in truth.Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things And now faith, hope, and love abide, and the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7, 13

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

So that dates me. My husband and I are leaving today for a week. No kids. Our 25th wedding anniversary is Feb 11. We are going now during my Christmas break from grad school. I'll tell you more about it when we get back and maybe share some photos. Everyone loves to look at other peoples vacation pictures right? : ) We have had some acting out by the boys. Tough stuff when you are trying to pack and get everything ready for a house full of people staying behind. Grandpa and Grandma are coming today to stay most of the time. Big sister, Eagle will come home on Saturday and stay too. I think they have truly figured out I will not abandon them. I think they are afraid something will happen to me. Of course I cannot guarantee that it won't. I told them they will need to pray and trust. I hope this week if you happen to think of me laying on the beach or snorkeling at a coral reef that you will stop and do something to take care of yourself. Battered moms need that. We may not be physically battered but most definitely emotionally. Stop for that cup of coffee and a magazine, read a chapter from a book, go for a walk or do SOMETHING just for you. Talk to you in a week!

RADical failures in History

The Beatles: "At their first audition for Mike Smith and Dick Rowe, head of Decca in London, on January 1, 1962, they performed almost their entire club act of some twenty songs. They were turned down, a few days later, with Rowe delivering one of the most wrongheaded statements in recording history: "Guitar groups are on the way out, Mr. Epstein."

Our continent was "discovered" by Christopher Columbus, who was looking for India.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. ~Thomas Edison

Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. ~Henry Ford

What do Bill Gates, Harry Truman, and Walt Disney all have in common? Their first business venture was a flop, but they didn't let it defeat them.

Get it?