LIVING WITH RAD

The New Year outlook

2012-01-09T07:39:00.001-06:00

This post is available at www.counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com

What is Therapeutic Parenting?

2011-12-13T08:40:00.000-06:00

Read this post : http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/what-is-therapeutic-parenting.html

Proud of my heart

2011-12-11T14:00:00.000-06:00

Read this post at

http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/proud-of-my-heart.html

Creating a Wonderful Life

2011-12-08T23:04:00.002-06:00

Please come see us at http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/this-evening-i-watched-its-wonderful.html to read this post!

Have a Healing Christmas

2011-12-08T07:36:00.002-06:00

This post is available at:
http://www.counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/

Christmas + trauma = ?

2011-12-07T13:12:00.002-06:00

Read this post at

http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/christmas-trauma.html

Regulated, Dysregulated, Discombobulated

2011-12-06T14:46:00.000-06:00

This article may be read at the new site

http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/regulated-dysregulated-discombobulated.html

RAD: What works

2011-12-05T21:12:00.000-06:00

This article may be read at the new site: http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/

Where is your focus?

2011-12-04T23:16:00.000-06:00

This article is available at the new blog

http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/2011/12/where-is-your-focus.html

Living With RAD is now Counseling & Enrichment

2011-12-02T15:15:00.002-06:00

http://www.counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/

Come on over and read us!

Living with RAD is MOVING!

2011-12-01T16:34:00.001-06:00

I am joining the staff of the Counseling & Enrichment Center in creating a blog. I along with other therapist's who work with children with attachment and trauma issues will be sharing this blog. I hope you will come and check us out and become a "follower"!

http://counselingandenrichment.blogspot.com/

ATTACh Conference Web Site Promo

2011-08-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

Beautiful by Mercy Me

2011-07-19T12:40:00.000-05:00

We all get tired

2011-06-28T10:46:00.000-05:00

We all have those days when motherhood wears us down. We have days when we are overwhelmed and need a break. It doesn't mean you are not a good mama. It means you are tired....Take care of yourself. Get the breaks you need. Have fun with friends and family. Especially go out and have fun with your husband. Do not talk about problems but just laugh. Have a healing mama day!

Joint Chief of Staff, Mike Mullen! The man offers hope and has a great sense of humor!

2011-06-14T18:25:00.001-05:00

Wikepedia

"The son of a Hollywood press agent and his wife, who worked as an assistant to Jimmy Durante, Mullen was born in Los Angeles, California. He attended St. Charles Borromeo Church (North Hollywood) grade school,[3] and graduated from Notre Dame High School (Sherman Oaks) in 1964. Mullen then attended the United States Naval Academy in Annapolis, graduating in the lower third of his class in 1968.[4]"

Connecticut Post from his speech at West Point:

"Mullen, a U.S. Naval Academy graduate, also poked some fun at himself, noting that he had something in common with the famous West Point graduate George Custer: they both accumulated a good number of “demerits” during their service academy days."

On Letterman he pointed out that he almost had the limit of demerits needed to be kicked out of West Point within, jokingly said "the first month".

My point is not the the chairman of the Joints Chief of Staff is a goof. He is not. He has risen to lead many men, captain ships and now is in a position highly respected.

It is easy to sometimes fear the future for our kids. They probably won't rise to this position in the government but then few do. But maybe, just maybe, we worry too much.

The much anticipated 2011 ATTACh Conference Brochure is now available!

2011-06-10T17:57:00.011-05:00

The excitement is in the air with the brochure release, which

highlights our 23rd Annual ATTACh Conference theme: “Attachment &

Trauma: Through the Eyes of a Child.” It is wonderful to have so

many people from all over the nation calling, emailing, and sending

requests for copies of our brochure. Clearly, the 22 previous ATTACh

Conferences have left quite a meaningful impression!

One gentleman even declared that he had eagerly awaited the Conference all year. He

was so confident that our workshops would be invaluable that he didn’t

need the schedule details; he just knew that he didn’t want to miss a

moment of the full event. Another past attendee emailed in

appreciation; he stated, “I’d like to thank you for a wonderful and

thoroughly enriching experience last year. I was very pleased with

both the quality of the program and good nature of all those with

which I had the pleasure of interacting. I trust you will provide an

equally worthwhile event this year and I wish you all the best toward

that end.” Truly, ATTACh has deep appreciation for all of the

continued support and devotion to education and

empowerment in overcoming Attachment issues and Trauma in children.

Your eager anticipation and lofty expectations will not be

disappointed this year either. We have a full list of critically-

acclaimed researchers, in-depth educators, and world-renowned authors

who are committed to sharing their understanding and revolutionary

discoveries about the healing process. The effective hands-on

techniques and insight they offer could be the turning point that is

so desperately needed in the life of one of our patients or one of our

children. We are so proud to present the wealth of knowledge and

ingenuity in our line-up of presenters, not to mention the opportunity

for parents and professionals to network together and support one

another in their joint efforts to be a driving force for

Attachment.

So, without further ado….

Please go to http://www.attach.org/ and click on the “2011 ATTACh Conference Brochure,” front and center on the Home page. If you have any
questions or concerns feel free to contact us. We would love to hear

from you!

Pat Ann St. Germain, Vice-President of Administration & the ATTACh

Board of Directors

My Young Adult Radling.

2011-06-09T21:18:00.001-05:00

Fish and Teddy will be 19 this month. In Nebraska the age of majority is 19. So we are in transition time. Fish will be going away to college in another state. Teddy, however, is transitioning into independent living. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. No stress. I'm working with 5 or so agencies and the list just keeps growing. He is going to get disability as an adult which will help. We are working with several agencies trying to get him a part time job. I do not know if this is possible and I do not know if he can stick with it if he gets one. As a young adult his mental health disorders have become so much more serious. I've learned more in the last year on transition than I thought possible. I'm working on finding him this wide variety of services in hopes of giving him a sufficient life as a young adult. Teddy has RAD. This means he still sees me as mean and untrustworthy. So he continues his "push mom away" behaviors in order to feel safe. Meanwhile he is stressed from the thought of living on his own. I assure him constantly that we will be right here. We are not going any where. We will be there to help and answer questions. We are not pushing him out of the nest and saying "Good luck". BUT he does not trust....So how can he believe this is true.

We are planning a family vacation later this summer. He is going. I have pointed out to him that we are inviting him along because we want him there. We do not have too any more. We could easily leave him at his home, which should be in place by then. But we WANT to take him along. This only makes him angry because he think I say this sort of thing to make him feel "bad". Strong emotions still go straight to sadness or fear. When I say "I want you there". He hears "You are so mean to me. You don't deserve it. You should feel bad."

RAD with a young adult child is a road we are just beginning. It will be difficult. It is what we do because we are parents who NEVER NEVER QUIT.

My Child's World View

2011-05-24T21:52:00.000-05:00

All of us perceive the world based on our life experience and beliefs we have built over time. These beliefs may come from a mixture of that experience and the belief systems of those with whom we live and then as we get older, those with whom we spend our time.

For example, I tend to look at the world through rose colored glasses and I tend to be relaxed and low key most of the time. I can kick it in gear when necessary, such as work needing done, but don't tend to stress. I grew up with parents from the hills of the Ozarks. Many would say they had very hillbilly like childhoods. I hope so because to me, that carries a picture of very relaxed, simple people who enjoy the beauty of the world around them and each other.

Our children had their early years surrounded by trauma, neglect, and or abuse. To them the world is a dangerous place. Love is not to be trusted because people who love you hurt you. Love is not safe. Repeated trauma not only made this reality if it the very basis of their view of the world. It is hardwired into there brains just as deeply as is my own view of the world as a safe and loving place. Yes. there is danger but my shock and horror at crime and injustice comes from my belief that those things go so against my world view.

Our children expect to fail. They expect us to leave. They believe moms are dangerous as they are not to be trusted and break your heart.

We just keep loving them and telling them they are safe, love is good, they are worth loving. And then we demonstrate it daily. We don't feel it every day. We don't succeed every day. But then we get up and start again. We never, never quit.

Why is he singing?

2011-05-19T09:38:00.000-05:00

Taz has the habit of singing when he is upset. Years ago, I thought it was a sign of no conscience. He'd break something intentionally, take something or do some other thing upsetting and then start singing....I would be so upset at his lack of guilt feelings. One day I asked him why he was singing and he said he was trying to make himself feel better. Now I view the singing in a completely different light.

My point is not that Taz sings to make himself feel better. My point is about assumptions. Sometimes we think we know why a child is doing a certain behavior and assume the worst. Dig a little deeper. There may be something more pure under there.

Have a healing day!

Where is the wisdom in that?

2011-05-17T14:29:00.000-05:00

My boys, Fish and Teddy, that graduated on Sunday had their wisdom teeth removed today. They are doing fine. They are downstairs watching tv. RADlings have a difficult time letting anyone care for them when they are sick. Teddy lets the blood drip, coughs into my face and is non appreciative of anything I do to make him comfortable. It would be so very hard to be sore and hurting and not feel like anyone will help you or care for you. Tough to be his mom many days. Tougher to be him. His heart hurts worse than his mouth.

RAD grad

2011-05-16T21:51:00.000-05:00

Ours sons Fish and Teddy have graduated. Their reactions are so different from one another. Fortunately for Teddy, Fish is very social. So their grad party was well attended by other high school kids. Makes me worry for Taz in a couple of years as he has no real friends, but there is still time for him to work that out. I took a lot of photos at graduation and also made a video of them getting their diploma. Fish's reaction was "those are neat mom. Thanks". Teddy, my child with RAD said "The video is fuzzy." and had no reaction to the photos. Now the rooky me would have been hurt that on his big day he still rejected me. I would never be good enough. But the experienced mom said "Yup. He has to keep his distance." I'm sure he liked them. He just can't say. Our kids love us as best they can. They really do.

Oppositional Behavior ODD or Trauma

2011-04-25T09:26:00.000-05:00

Oppositional Defiant Disorder or Trauma?
by Caelan Kuban

Children with a history of traumatic experiences exhibit greater oppositional defiant behaviors than children without exposure to trauma. This is most likely the result of the negative physiological impact trauma has on core regulatory systems, compromising a child’s ability to regulate and process sensory inputs. Changes in the body’s critical stress response system prevent the modulation of sensory deregulation, making the child incapable of self-regulating their emotions and behavior. The experience of trauma increases vulnerability to stressors, even mild stressors that healthy individuals are able to handle. For example, simple problem solving becomes difficult, causing anger and confusion in a child that simply “does not know what to do” about a situation, ultimately resulting in rage, aggression and other oppositional defiant-like disorders.

Under stress, traumatized children’s analytical capacities are limited and behaviorally react with confusion, withdrawal and/or rage. Rather than making a gradual shift from right brain hemisphere dominance (feeling and sensory) to dominance of the left hemisphere (language, reasoning, problem solving) resulting in an integration of neural communication between hemispheres, they react only from their “sensory” or right brain often lacking the “thought” or planning before action is taken.

Interestingly, many of the symptoms and reactions present in Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) are parallel to the symptoms and reactions in children post-trauma. More than 800,000 children are exposed to trauma annually from abuse and neglect alone. Twenty percent of those children are observed to have dramatic changes in behavior consistent with ODD following a traumatic event. It would be beneficial to develop guidelines helping pediatricians and other early childhood professionals routinely screen for the presence of trauma-related symptoms and impairments even in very young children. This would prevent the mislabeling of ODD in later years. As one of the top diagnoses given to children today, it is certainly important to understand both the etiology and intervention options proposed for ODD. When ODD is viewed from a biological and trauma-informed perspective, compassion from parents, caregivers, and teachers often follows.

Attitude....What's yours?

2011-04-24T18:40:00.002-05:00

"There is nothing - no circumstance, no trouble, no testing - that can ever touch me until first of all it has gone past God, past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is. This is the rest of victory."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important that facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company . . . a church . . . a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day, We cannot change our past . . . we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way, We cannot change the inevitable, The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude . . . I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.”

- Charles Swindoll

It's a marathon...a RAD marathon

2011-04-24T10:34:00.000-05:00

I haven't been on for awhile, a wedding, a reception, and 3 graduations....and yes. These were all our own children. I've also been training for a 5k. No small feat for a non runner, athlete like myself. I did run the entire way in a 5k last weekend! I have another coming up in June and my goal is to start improving times. Don't even ask what the first one was. I'm not telling. Many people in Nebraska are training for a half Marathon in Lincoln. I see full Marathons are coming up. No way I'm interested in those at this point and I think 5k is where I'll stay.

BUT I am doing another kind of marathon, parenting children with RAD. We have had some big tough stuff this spring to deal with. Another major episode involving police this last weekend. It is exhausting. It is an emotional, physical marathon of sorts.

The other day Teddy was really acting out verbally towards me. In the midst of this he said "I need new shoes." Not surprising as children with RAD have little cause and effect thinking and tons of entitlement issues. I said "I don't feel like buying them right now while you are talking to me this way. They are not in that bad of shape anyway." He actually said OUT LOUD "I will rip them up and wear them to school and tell people that you will not buy me new ones. Then they will all feel sorry for me for having a mom like you." Oh my goodness does that speak volumes....

This brings me back to the point...What does a marathon runner do to prepare for the marathon?

Find other runners, clubs, places to train...in other words...seeks support.

Train....We read, go to workshops, read some more, and find other parents who can share and lift us up.

Eat healthy....this one is often overlooked by moms and we can become emotional eaters and start packing on the weight. Eat healthy, low fat foods and you will have more energy, be physically stronger and when your blood sugar stopping swinging from all those bad carbs you will have less moodiness. Would a marathon runner do well on your diet? Well, not on mine either, but it is improving all the time.

Exercise....Of course a marathon runner gets tons of exercise besides running. For parents, exercise produces endorphins. Endorphins produce of feeling of well being. I have always heard of "runner's high" and once you get used to running there really is that great feeling at the end. You don't have to run though. Getting outside and breathing deep (which sends more oxygen to your brain) by walking is great too. I have some little dumbbells from Target in my bedroom and I use those. I have exercise DVDs. It does not have to be an expensive gym membership.

Spiritually....Draw strength from your relationship with God. Nurture it because as with any relationship there must be time spent with God in order for the relationship to strengthen. He will see you through. Not just trite words.

It's a marathon.. We are running it together! You are not alone.

The Effects of Trauma Link

2011-04-06T09:09:00.002-05:00

http://www.adultandadolescentpsychotherapy.com/briefTreatmentpdf.pdf

My child refuses to eat healthy food

2011-03-16T08:29:00.001-05:00

See that handy dandy little device? KitchenAid calls it a food chopper. It is my vegetable hider. I just picked it up recently and have had great success. There are also a series of books called Sneaky Chef. If you check out the website you will find some free recipes. Taz has just plain flat out decided he is not eating anything healthy and tries to do a refined carb load whenever possible. I tried preparing healthy meals and leaving the choice to him. He has only grown worse as a teen, which I realize all kids do. But it is like he has declared war on healthy food. Fine.

I've figured out the art of hiding veggies. The key is to pick veggies that blend in color wise with what you are preparing. If your kids like mac n cheese? Easy peasy. I switched to whole wheat pasta, low fat cheese and when I make the cheese sauce, I pour it in the chopper with some cooked cauliflower. NO ONE COULD TELL. Toss some bread crumbs in a little butter and sprinkle on top and put it in the oven until crunch. In any spaghetti sauce I mix fresh spinach, fresh tomatoes, peppers, onions. Put them in the chopper until they become liquid. The only complaint I have about the chopper is that it is a little small so I sometimes have to do more batches, but it is only around $30 and you can't beat that. It is well made. Any food that contains sauce can also contain hidden vegetables!

There are some benefits besides the nutrients he is now getting. ALL of us are getting the added nutrition, not just Taz. He himself says "Wow this is really good" every time I do it. It makes the food more flavorful. It is giving him some taste for these veggies so as an adult, he may taste them and say "This reminds me of something".

Never, never, never quit! If what you are doing doesn't work....stop doing it...and do something else. If you don't know what to do. Ask a mom on here. Email me at radmoms@hotmail.com If I don't know I will find someone who does. We are in this together ladies.

Are You Feeling Low?

2011-03-11T08:16:00.000-06:00

A group of RADical moms just met together in Orlando. I was not one of them. Boo. I sense an over all theme of "You Are Not Alone". This really struck a cord with me because there were so many times when I felt so completely alone in raising my children with RAD. It felt like no one person truly understood what was happening with them. I did not know what to do or where to turn. As I looked at Gala's photo:

I thought "Wow it is so great not to feel that way any more." It seems like long ago....

So what took me from that place of despondency to where I am now? A lot of work on ME. Yes. I have continued to work with boys who are not teens and almost grown up, but mainly I had to change me. I know none of us want to hear that.

Seek out support. Find people who understand. If you can't find any.... make some new friends. That doesn't mean you ditch the old ones, unless they are really destructive for you. It means you add on friends...Seek out foster families. Ask around at school and church and see if anyone knows of any. Just say something like "Do you know of any foster families? I have a few questions." You dont' have to sob "I'm so lonely. Find me a friend." Even if it is what you feel. I just started an adoption support group at our church.We have 12 families already. We have our first meeting this Sunday during the Sunday School hour. That way there is a place for our kids to go. It meets once a month. This week a parent is going to talk about becoming an interracial family. Next month we have a speaker coming to talk about his company and how it helps families find services.

Take care of yourself: In many ways RAD takes a toll on you in the same way a serious illness takes a toll on a parent. You becomes exhausted and depleted if you are not careful.

Exercise. If you can't leave your kids, there was a time when I would lift hand weight during commercials and run in place during a TV show. Get moving. You might be surprised how much better you feel. If you have a Y membership take your kids with you and get them moving. It is good for them to expend energy. They may have to stay in the same room with you. If so, take them to the gym and shoot hoops or run around the outside of it. I am in week 8 of the http://www.c25kcom/ and feel REALLY GOOD. If you feel like a slug chances are you need to get moving AND

Eating: Cut out the refined carbs. I have gone semi organic. I do still have the occasional Diet Coke. Which I know is acid. I'm working on it. I've never been more than a one a dayer, but have cut back to 2 or 3 a week. I am cooking more with fresh produce and only lean meat sparingly and have lost 10 lb. Great! Only 19 more to go. Ugh. But I will not give up. Even the loss of 10 makes me feel so much better.

Pray: How is your spiritual life? I'm not going to tell you what to believe, but I will tell you I get great strength from my relationship with God. I spend quiet time each day reading the Bible and praying. Prayer changes things. It is not just a slogan.

Love: Love on those kids. They will react in fear. Do no give up. Healing is possible. We found a great amount of help with an attachment therapist/EMDR therapist combination. Our insurance and Medicaid were willing to pay for both at the same time! If that is not a possibility for you, read yourself silly. There is so much great info out there. I am a big fan of http://www.center4familydevelop.com/ stuff.

Blogs: There are many great blogs out there by moms. Find someone you connect with and communicate with them through comments or email.

Never, never, never quit. You've got this.

Ghost of Mornings Past

2011-02-28T11:54:00.000-06:00

Those nasty mornings have been coming back for Taz as of late.

First step. Stop and evaluate my reactions to see if they are making things worse... possibly...

Review:

Don't argue with him.
Empathize with how difficult mornings are:
Ask him during a good time how we might work together to make mornings better.
Then refuse to get involved in a negative way.

Don't nag. Don't preach. Let some things go and focus on the attachment not the little trivial stuff.

Second step. Look at his stage of development and see if there is some new thing going on. He turned 16 and wants to drive. We are working on that. While he wants to I think the idea is also frightening to him so he is sabotaging. He doesn't think he can handle it. PLUS in the fall his twin brothers will be leaving him at home as the only child. He laughs and says he loves it...does he really?

Use Dr. Becker-Weidmann's PLACE

Playful: get them out of the fight/flight/fright place he has gone back to in the mornings
Love: Give him a hug and say good morning in a loving way and remember to react out of love, not defensiveness
Attunement: Understand where his morning frustration and anger are coming from,
Curious: "I wonder" statements followed by "Oh I'm sorry" if it offends him but remain curious
Empathy: It is tough in the mornings (trust me I get this one). I know you don't like how things are going and we can work together on it. It will be all right.

If some part of your day has gone haywire and used to go pretty well. Stop and reevaluate. You can get things back on track again!

Love Letters

2011-02-19T16:42:00.000-06:00

I am working on scrapbooks for my twin senior boys, Fish and Teddy. I am sorting through old photos. While doing so I came across three letters, one to each boy. I wrote them 3 hours before I met them. I completely forgot I ever wrote them. I gave them to them and stood by them as they read them. They were each touched, even Teddy in his own way. I have to admit to being a little weepy.

If you've never done it, stop and write a love letter to your kids right now. Express how you feel, how you will be with them always and that you will help them achieve their hopes and dreams. Then fold it up and put it away until they are in high school. It meant something different to each child because they are each in such a different place emotionally. Teddy asked me to put it into his scrapbook because he wants everyone to see it. He wants people to know he has a mom who loves him.

Have a healing, loving day.

Turn Your Shower Into a Spa- Really is Amazing!

2011-02-16T19:39:00.001-06:00

http://www.parenting.com/article/turn-your-shower-into-a-spa-21354975

I read this in a magazine in a waiting room the other day. I tried it last night and it is sooooooooooo relaxing. Make sure you do it fairly close to bedtime because you won't get anything done afterwards. You'll be to mellow!

Siblings and that trauma bond

2011-02-16T08:11:00.001-06:00

You know. THAT trauma bond. Ugh. When certain siblings remind the other of their past and all things bad, or perhaps they have just transferred much of their fear and sadness into blaming that one sibling. I actually think it may be worse than the anger they have shown to me. So how to deal with this. And it must be dealt with because physical harm and property damage happens if it is not watched carefully.

Here are some of the things we have tried. Keep in mind we change things up often because nothing works forever.

They cannot be in the same room if an adult is not present. So if Taz walks in and Teddy is the only one there, he is to turn and walk out. Does it always happen? NO. They seek each other out intentionally when they want to fight with someone. And why do they want to fight? Because sadness, fear, frustration, fatigue all turn into anger. It has happened for years. We work on it daily.

They are not to speak negatively of the other person to me. "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all" is a phrase used often.

Have them think of two things they like about the other person every time they say a negative. They really don't like that one and often it nips the negative comments because they don't want to say anything nice about the other.

Keep activities that involve both kids short and really fun. A going for a "nature walk" and going out for a treat are two of the best activities we have done with our sons. When you are walking everyone is heading in the same direction (sort of) they can stop and explore around the lake. Sometimes we take the camera and look for things that would make neat photos.It burns off energy. If there are any problems I just say I have to be in the middle! When we go out for a treat, they are never sitting across from each other (kicking under table) or next to each other (elbows fly). These activities can be fun.

Refuse to get caught up in the drama. Just say "This has nothing to do with me. I hope you two can work it out". That takes a lot of the fun out of it for them as they really want mom to step in and escalate things. De-escalation is an art form but it is not that tough if you just stay calm, use a calm voice and remember if it is not important just refuse to get involved.

A conversation can go like this:

Teddy: I hate Taz. He is a jerk
Me: I love Taz and I don't want to hear negative things about him
Teddy: That's because you don't know him and you don't know what he is really like.
Me: Brothers sometimes fight, but I'm his mom. I love him and I don't want to talk bad about him and you shouldn't either. It is not what families do. We are loyal.
Teddy then may go into shame, rather than guilt and hang his head and say sadly "Yesss."
Me: Remember, I am not saying you are bad. I do not think you are bad.Don't feel it in your heart. Put it back up into your head and just think "Yes. I shouldn't talk like that about family." And then go on your way!

Easy peasy.

It will be interesting to see how this trauma bond changes as they become adults. Teddy is 18 and Taz is 16 so that isn't too far away. I hope they can mend some fences, but if not, they won't have to live in the same house, which may make life much easier for both.

Humor....Ar ar.

2011-02-05T22:35:00.000-06:00

Teddy: "You are so childish mom. We are so much more mature than you."

Me: "Thanks Teddy. Now that I'm in my 50s I don't get to hear that very often."

Teddy giggled. Teddy does not giggle.

RAD Mornings

2011-02-02T09:59:00.000-06:00

Ick!
Awful!
Frustrating!
Horrible!
Tear inducing! (mine)

That is what our mornings used to be like. This morning was not a good morning for Taz. I think he probably slid his med (for ADHD) into another compartment rather than take it. He is 16 now. That is fine. He can live with the consequences if that is what happened. He is going to have a frustrating day. This morning reminded me of all those horrid mornings n years gone by.

Here is what worked best for me:

I always had calming music playing quietly. Mozart is proven to change the way the brain is working and cause it to calm. I made sure it was playing before they even came out. I grew to like it.

I did not try to force anything. Trying to force the issue is feeding into the chaos and sinking them deeper into the fear mode in which they seem to awaken.

Focus on the other kids. Keep the morning pleasant for them. Don't let anything the child with RAD says or does rattle you. It's fine. Make that choice.

Keep your voice calm and your mood regulated. Tell yourself "I've got this. I can handle anything" Look at the fear or sadness behind the behavior. Touch his arm or rub his neck gently while talking in a cheerful calm voice. You are a safe mom.

This morning I fell back into some old patterns of arguing and pushing the issue. It did not make things better and he left very wired and angry. Does that make me responsible for how his day goes? No. He chooses that. When he gets home I will let him know I'm sorry I didn't stay calm and that he was feeling so afraid this morning and didn't feel comfortable enough to talk about it. Then I will ask him what we can do for each other to make things right.

Mornings are tough to say the least. But you can do it and they will get better. This is the first rough morning we've had in a long while. It just serves to remind me of how far we have come.

Have a healing day!

Scary Kids

2011-01-31T13:38:00.002-06:00

My sister in law sent me this today with some other cute cat pictures. It is perfect for the child with RAD. Only they CAN look very scary. This is what is inside though. Treat the kitten, not the tiger.

Risks & Rewards: Treatment and Parenting Strategies for the Drug-Exposed Child

2011-01-30T13:24:00.000-06:00

Association for Treatment and Training
In the Attachment of Children and Present Risks & Rewards: Treatment and Parenting Strategies for the Drug-Exposed Child Featuring: Ira Chasnoff, MD Janice Goldwater LCSW-C
Juli Alvarado, LPC, NCC
and Lori Thomas Saturday, April 30, 2011
In Fairfax, Virginia For Parents and Professionals Fairfax County Government Center Bldg.
Conference Center 12000 Government Center Parkway
Fairfax, VA 22035 Location
Intended Audience Intended Audience: Foster and adoptive parents, parents of children with attachment problems, case workers, therapists, teachers and other professionals. Directions & Exhibits Directions
Exhibit tables can be found at www.fairfaxcounty.gov/maps/county/government-center.html will be available on a limited basis for non-profit organizations. The cost is $10 per table. Please call ATTACh at 847-356-3506 to reserve your space. Fee and Registration The registration fee is $35.00. If you would like CE credits through Psychoeducational Resources, the fee for CE’s is an additional $25. Go to www.attach.org/2011spring to register online or mail the registration to ATTACh, P.O. Box 533, Lake Villa, IL 60046. Please remit payment with registration by April 15, 2011. Agenda 8:30 AM - 8:45 AM Registration & Continental Breakfast
8:45 AM - 11:45 AM General Session Ira Chasnoff, M.D. 3 CE Credits
Introductory
The Mystery of Risk: Understanding the Drug-Exposed Child and Issues of Attachment Children prenatally exposed to maternal substances of abuse make up an ever-growing portion of the United States' population of children. The most recent data from the National Institute on Drug Abuse suggest that over 1 million children per year are exposed to alcohol and illicit substances during gestation. The health consequences for these children are enormous, but the implications for behavior, learning, and attachment are even greater. This session will explore the biological and environmental factors that impact the ultimate development and behavior of alcohol- and drug-exposed children. The information will form the basis for the formulation of treatment strategies and approaches. At the completion of this session, participants will be able to: 1) List five complications for the newborn related to maternal drug and alcohol use;
2) Name the three diagnostic criteria of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome; and,
3) Analyze the cognitive and behavioral development of children prenatally exposed to alcohol and other drugs, especially as related to attachment. 11:45AM - 1:00 PM Lunch Break *A list of Restaurants will be provided. Breakout Session #1 1:00 PM - 4:00 Ira Chasnoff, M.D. Intro. 3 CE Credits The Mystery of Risk: Treatment Strategies for the
Drug-Exposed Child Children prenatally exposed to alcohol and other drugs present with multiple risk factors, making the development of a treatment plan quite difficult. This workshop will present the core components of a model of treatment that parents and professionals should consider when addressing the needs of the substance exposed child. The workshop will explore evidence-based therapies that have been shown to work as well as provide attendees with strategies they can use in the home and the school. At the completion of this session, participants will be able to: 1) Describe the important components of treatment that should be addressed for substance exposed children;
2) Discuss neurocognitive functioning as related to treatment strategies; and,
3) Utilize an interactive behavior management system for children with prenatal substance exposure. Breakout Session #2 1:00 PM - 4:00 Juli Alvarado, LPC, NCC, Lori Thomas & Janice Goldwater, LCSW-C No CE’s We Are Your Partners, We Hear Your Cry Lunch Break Parenting a child with prenatal exposures can be very challenging even for the most seasoned of parents. The first step is to develop an un-derstanding of the physiological effects of exposure on the brain/body to translate why children act the way they do. With this under-standing we will provide a relationship based model to help parents with strategies that enhance attachment and deepen effective parenting. This portion of the workshop will be experiential and provide both practical strategies as well as insight oriented activities. Agenda (CONTINUED) At the completion of this session, participants will be able to: 1) Utilize three key strategies at home for relating to and motivating a child;
2) Utilize three key strategies for staying emotionally regulated while parenting; and,
3) Establish connections to a supportive network. About Dr. Chasnoff Ira Chasnoff, MD, serves as the Presi-dent of the Children's Research Triangle, and a Professor of Pediatrics at the University of Illinois College of Medi-cine in Chicago. Expertise:
Participants will come away with a new understanding of the effects of drugs and alcohol on the developing brain and its relationship to behaviors exhibited by children. In addition, participants will gain tools to use at home, in therapy and at school to remediate behaviors that are caused by pre-natal exposure. Dr. Chasnoff is one of the na-tion's leading researchers in the field of maternal drug use during pregnancy and its effects on the newborn infant and child. He is the author of five books and numerous articles on the effects of drug use on pregnancy, and on the long-term cognitive, behavioral, and learning out-comes of prenatally exposed children. Cancellation Policy Cancellations must be received by April 22, 2011 to receive a refund. A $5 handling fee will be deducted from the refund. No refunds will be made for cancellations received after April 22, 2011. Grievances, issues or concerns regarding the conference or registration should be addressed in writing and submitted via e-mail to questions@attach.org. Name _____________________________________________
Name #2 _________________________________________
Address __________________________________________
City _____________________ State _____ Zip _________
Home Phone Daytime Phone
_________________________ _________________________
Agency/Organization (If applicable.)
____________________________________________________
Email Address (mandatory)
____________________________________________________
Special Accommodations (ADA)
____________________________________________________
The registration fee for this conference is $35 per person. # of People ________x $35 = $ __________ CE Credits ___________x $25 = $ __________ Total Due $ __________ Enclose money order or check payable to ATTACh or provide credit card information.
Method of Payment:
Check/Check# _____________ 
Exp. Date __________ V-Code __________
Credit Card # ____________________________________
Signature ________________________________________ Visa  Mastercard Risks & Rewards: Treatment and Parenting Strategies for the Drug-Exposed Child Continuing Education Credit Information Continuing Education (CE) credits for mental health professionals are being offered through PsychoEducational Resources, Inc. (PER). Participants may earn up to 6 CE credits.
PER is approved by the American Psychological Association to sponsor continuing education for psychologists. PER maintains responsibility for this program and its content.
PER is an NBCC Approved Continuing Education Provider (ACEP) and a co-sponsor of this program. PER may award NBCC approved clock hours for programs that meet NBCC requirements (Approval # 5536). Please check with your state counseling board to see if they accept the NBCC providership.
PER is approved as a provider for continuing education by the Association of Social Work Boards, 400 South Ridge
Parkway, Suite B, Culpepper, VA 22701. www.aswb.org. ASWB Approval Period: 4/15/09 - 4/15/12. Social workers
should contact their regulatory board to determine course approval. The following recognize the ASWB program: AK, AL, AZ, CT, DC, DE, GA, ID, IN, IA, KY, MA, MD, MI, MO, MS, MT, NM, NC, ND, NJ, OK, OR, PA, RI, SC, TN, TX, UT, VA, VI, VT, WA, WI, and WY.
PER is also an approved provider with a variety of individual state social work boards which include: the Florida Board of Licensed Clinical Social Work, Marriage and Family Therapy, and Mental Health Counseling (CE Provider Tracking #50-1657, Board Provider #351, exp. 03/31/11), the Illinois Social Work Board (159-000505), the Iowa Board of Social Work (#153), the Maryland State Board of Social Work, the Ohio Social Work Board (RSX-019601), and the Texas Board of Social Work (CS 1596).
Course meets the qualifications for continuing education credit for MFTs and/or LCSWs as required by the California Board of Behavioral Sciences (Provider #PCE 203).
PER is an approved provider with the Illinois Marriage and Family Therapist Board (#168-000125)
PER is an approved Counselor (RCX-129413) provider with the Ohio Counselor, Social Worker and Marriage and Family Therapist Board.
PER is approved as a Continuing Education Provider by the National Association of Alcoholism and Drug Abuse
Counselors (NAADAC) Provider #374 (exp. September 30, 2011). The individual sessions in this conference cover the following counselor skill groups: clinical assessment, ongoing treatment planning, counseling services, and legal, ethical and professional growth.
PER maintains responsibility for this program and its content.
For additional CE information please call PER at 800-892-9249 or e-mail support@per-ce.net.
To receive CE Certification you must complete the conference evaluation, an evaluation for each session you attend, the CE Request Form, and sign in and out of each session attended. CE Certification will be mailed to you approxi-mately 4-6 weeks from the conclusion of the conference.

What they say is not necessarily what they feel

2011-01-28T08:51:00.000-06:00

My boys have made some pretty bold statements over the years. Those statements used to scare me. Until I heard of the Little Boy in the Monster Suit. Now, if I can keep myself calm enough to think (regulated- sorry Alison), I can think of what lies beneath the statement. That scared little guy that is trying to convince himself and the rest of the world that his words are true.

Yesterday our old cat, Lucky, died. She was 14.

Our oldest daughter, Eagle, and I were out walking one day, when Eagle, who is now 25 and a married woman, was in 5th grade. We found this tiny kitten, probably only a month old cowering under an evergreen to avoid a lawn sprinkler. Her eyes were stuck shut. She obviously belonged to no one. She spent her first few week curled under my chin as she healed and became strong. She had a good life and was a quiet happy cat. Since we moved to our new home in May she had decided to stay in the basement and hang out. Partly due to her round girlish figure, partly, I suppose because she felt safer down there. She still always purred at the sound of my voice. In our old home I'd go in the bathroom and hear purring. She was sleeping in the cupboard on the towels and was just happy I'd come into the room. Rest in Peace Lucky.

The look of great sadness on Teddy's eyes was quiet genuine as I told him of her passing. Taz, on the hand said "Well she was old." My husband put her in a bag to prepare for burial. Taz volunteered to carry her out. I couldn't even look. Taz was very callous and said "Well she was old and she is just an animal." At first I was alarmed. This morning as I chose the spot to bury her and said we need to wait today for the sun to warm the ground enough to dig, Taz volunteered to go out and move the bag to where it needed to be.I looked out. He was obviously struggling emotionally with this job and my heart hurt as I realized I needed to be more careful with him. We will bury her this afternoon and have a little service. It is hard to lose a pet, even when they are old.

Instead of listening to the first thing out of our kids mouths, we need to watch there actions. Are their words overly callous, overly bold? That is a good indication something else is up. Be careful with their healing hearts.

Have a healing day!

Are we having fun yet?

2011-01-27T19:08:00.000-06:00

Just went over to visit Christine's place and saw an excellent post on having fun, one of my favorite topics. There is the coolest video on her post today so if you want a little smile take the time to watch it.

Fun can disappear when we let stress take over. Please don't let that happen in your house hold. Put the fun back in your day every day.

Get out the coloring books and color with your kids. Watch a funny movie. Go roller skating or ice skating. Blow bubbles.

Remember when you and your spouse were dating? Remember how much fun you had? Go to some of those types of places again. Go dancing, double date.

I don't know if any of you have ever done the personality test by Gary Smalley but it has a FREE assessment on the site. I am an Otter/Golden Retriever. Having fun is ESSENTIAL to my happiness and well being daily. Not once a week, but every day I try to make sure I do something fun. I am so much less stressed and happy when I do. It is the way I'm wired. So get out there: Build a snow man, eat a snow cone, throw a snowball. DO SOMETHING GOOFY!

And then have a healing evening! : )

Why should I focus on the cause rather than the symptoms?

2011-01-26T08:42:00.001-06:00

I remember when I first entered into this world of attachment and trauma therapy I was so excited to be finally receiving some answers. But I did have a few questions...What about discipline? What about consequences? It is all confusing. They don't work and how is my child going to learn right from wrong? Are they going to end up in jail?

The answer lies in a couple of paradigms.

One: Focus on the cause, not the symptom. When your child is acting out, first stop yourself and think about what might be driving the behavior and talk about that.

Example: Let's suppose you found a huge wad of ice cream wrappers under your child's bed and know that your child was up in the night and ate an entire box of ice cream bars in one sitting. This has become a problem because your child is refusing all meals and then sneaking junk in between. Is this a made up scenario. No. : )

Mom: "Taz it must bring up a lot of big feelings when you want to go get that food. I know sometimes you didn't get food you wanted when you were little."

Taz " I was hungry."

Mom "I'm sure you were. And being hungry brings up some fears of not getting food. I will always make sure you will get enough to eat. In fact, I want you to be so sure of that, that I have filled this goody bag of food, packed full of yummy food and love. You can keep this in your room and whenever you get hungry you will always have something to eat. Now the other kids don't have this bag, because they are not worried and know we have food. Let me know when you don't think you need it any more."

Pack this bag with things that are good but have some nutritional value such a granola bars, cereal bars, protein bars.

BUT, what about the ice cream bars?

"Now Taz, you know you can have ice cream here. In fact, that is why I buy the ice cream, is for snacks. But I have a couple of things on my mind. I am wondering about the other kids and I'm wondering if they might want snacks too. What do you think? "

Taz" They are not as hungry as me."

Me: "I know sometimes it does feel like that. But what can we do to make sure it is fair? They don't have any snacks now for this week. What do you think would make it fair?"

Taz " I don't know."

Me. "Should we ask them?"

Taz " NO. I could do a chore of theirs. Or make some cookies."

Me: "Great idea. You run and do one of their chores and I'll get the stuff out so we can make them some cookies. Won't they be surprised?"

Consequence. Not a punishment. The purpose of a consequence is to teach and to guide, not to punish. I am a big believer in Love & Logic. One of our boys asked if they could paint their bike last summer. I told him that it really wouldn't turn out well. He snuck out and did it anyway. His bike looks BAD!!! He lied and said "When I came out of the Y someone had painted it." Bummer. "Well Taz, I'm sorry your don't feel safe telling me what happened, but you know what. What you just did to yourself is bigger than any consequence I would have done. I'm sorry your bike looks like that." (Don't spend a bunch of time trying to get him to confess. Won't work!) He had even done it with the bike laying in the grass and left it there to dry so it has these nasty long drip lines hanging off one side. Poor bike.

Hang in there. It is a tough job. There are no easy answers, but there is healing.

Never, never ,never quit.

PS Just found this at Christine's place. It is so fitting to today I had to include it.
This article is found at House Calls Counseling. Very fitting.

Attachment Disorder: ATTACh Membership

2011-01-25T08:51:00.000-06:00

Attachment-Focused Therapy

2011-01-23T16:54:00.000-06:00

JJ Heller - What Love Really Means (Official Music Video)

2011-01-22T18:40:00.000-06:00

Are you Overwhelmed?

2011-01-21T08:37:00.001-06:00

There are times in parenting a child with RAD when it becomes "to much". We just become exhausted, weepy and don't know what to do next. We have had an extra tough week at our house with Teddy. I won't go into details because I think it would be disrespectful of him. But he was out of the home for a few days and is now back. I do not know that anything has changed.

About 3 or maybe 4 years ago, while in the toughest stage of attachment therapy I started trying different things to see what would help me get through these overwhelmed feelings. There ARE things that help.

Physically: Get an extra hour of sleep. I go to bed at least a half hour to an hour earlier when I am feeling overwhelmed and it makes a difference. I normally go to a 6 am Bible study on Fridays, but last night I told myself it was a morning to stay in bed, so didn't set the alarm. I love my ladies there to pieces, but I NEED sleep this week.

Work out: I have started the C25k.com treadmill program. I like it and have made it through the first two days. I normally go to Zumba a few days a week but have cut that back to one while I try to build for this and will add them back in as I get stronger. I can go to the Y so tense and come out refreshed and with a clearer mind.

Support: Get help. I have spent hours on the phone this week, on the computer googling, looking for services that would help Teddy. I'm not sure but I may have found a transition program that will be appropriate for him. He is 18. Legal age in Nebraska is 19.

Talk: Find people you can talk too. If you don't have friends who understand, go to a therapist who does. If the first one doesn't get it, go to a different one. I had a bad experience yesterday at Teddy's dismissal session with the therapist there who not only didn't get what was going on, didn't get me and just seemed to not have a clue in general. "Let's just look at Teddy's good qualities and the wonderful person he is." she is said in her sugary enthusiastic voice. Of course, we need to do that, but there is some very serious stuff going on that needs to be addressed. It was not, and I was not heard. Fine. I fired her in my mind and moved on to other support.

Eating: Seek out healthy foods. Remind yourself that it is easy to get sick when stressed and your body needs good fuel. Do not feed your emotions with food. Food is not your friend. Merely the gas for our tanks. Would you put junk in your car?

Spiritually: How does your faith help you when things are tough? Music, Bible reading, talking with Christian friends, and prayer all help get me through.

Play: Have fun. Laughter truly is the best medicine. If you have time out do something you truly enjoy. My husband and I have started taking swing dance lessons on Tuesdays. We both have a great time. Take a class (craft, education, gym, dance) join a club (extension, cards, craft) go try something you always wanted to try!
Well, excuse me, it is 8:30 am and I am taking a nap. Then doing some work I do need to do. Then going to a matinee with a friend.

Have a healing day for yourself!

Adoption Support Groups

2011-01-14T08:05:00.000-06:00

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

There is no adoption support group in our new town. There was none in our last town. I tried to get one going in our last town and it just never took off. I'm going to give it a try again. If you are some place that doesn't have one, please consider giving it a try. As you know, the one very important thing adoptive parents need when our children are struggling is SUPPORT. We all find it on line but sometimes it is good to see people face to face who have the same struggles. So here are some hints for getting an adoption support group going:

Talk with your pastor and see if you can use your church. Many will give you a free room you can use monthly plus advertise for you on their website, bulletin and from the pulpit.

Advertise yourself. Make up a flyer on your computer and put them in grocery stores, Dr's offices, therapists offices. Let your Health and Human Services know you are doing it so they can tell parents. They cannot give you a list because of privacy. Let adoption agencies know. If you have an agency such as "Right Turn" give them the information. They are an agency in Nebraska that helps families find services. We also have the Nebraska and Foster Parent Association. They are good at getting the word out and even have a newsletter they put out.

Find one or two families to sit down with you and discuss topics for meetings, speakers, events you can attend, needs of the group and make a plan.

There are several websites that give information on how to start an adoption support group:

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=451
http://www.ehow.com/how_5763345_start-adoptee-support-group.html
http://adoption.about.com/od/adopting/a/supportgroup.htm

And also many that advertise adoption support groups by state that would be glad to list you!

Support is so important to getting through the tough stuff with our kids. If you cannot find it....Create it!

Learning Center for Child & Adolescent Trauma courses

2011-01-12T22:26:00.000-06:00

I was just sent a link to The National Child Traumatic Stress Netork. On this link you will find the Learning Center that has a series of course called Complex Trauma Speaker series. There is a whole list of courses you can choose from that are free. First you must develop a log in name and password but that is free. Some of these lessons have passed but you can still listen to them on line and read the Power Point as they present. Some have not taken place yet and if you wish you can listen on line live when they do take place. Great stuff. Free.

The Awkward Silence of God by Timothy Jones

2011-01-05T08:03:00.000-06:00

The Awkward Silence of God

Why Pray When You Seem to be Talking to Yourself?

In every prayer, there is a touch of insanity.

You don’t believe me? Think about it for a moment: You wouldn’t ask someone who regularly converses with an invisible friend to babysit your children. Yet if that invisible friend happens to be named God and if the conversations typically end with “Amen,” you would entrust your progeny to that person without a second thought.

The apparent craziness of prayer can be summarized in a single word: silence. Many times when we pray, there’s no immediate response. The deacon mumbles a few words over the offering plates, the child prays for a pony for Christmas, the young couple screams for God to heal their baby—and nothing tangible happens, at least not right away. The offering may be used for God’s glory; a pony may show up on Christmas; the infant may survive. Yet on the surface, these answers seem to result as much from parishioners, parents, and physicians—or in some cases, sheer dumb luck—as from prayer.

So often God seems silent.

Yet over the past few years, I’ve learned something about God’s silence: When He doesn’t seem to respond to our prayers, it may not be because He’s chosen not to speak; it may be that His answer is already on the way.

NO RESPONSE

The Jews of the first century were familiar with God’s silence. For 400 years after the prophecies of Malachi, God did not speak corporately to His people. During these years of silence, followers of the Torah gathered in synagogues weekly and entreated God with the same prayer: “Speedily cause the descendant of David Your servant to flourish.” Yet they received no response.

Among those waiting for the Messiah were a priest named Simeon and a prophetess named Anna. We find their stories in the opening chapters of Luke. This twosome spent decades hanging around the temple—the holiest place they knew—praying for a savior. And year after year, no savior came. I don’t pretend to know precisely how Simeon and Anna handled this apparent lack of response. Yet I can’t help but believe that—at least once or twice, perhaps in some rare moment when the crowds in the temple court subsided—they wondered whether God would ever answer.

Maybe you’ve wondered the same thing. I have. In a single year, my wife and I endured both the news that we could not have biological children and a series of failed adoptions. Three times the birth mothers changed their minds, once before the baby was born and twice afterward. During that year, I spent more hours than I care to recall screaming into the face of God—a face that seemed, at the time, as cold and silent as stone. By the end of the year, I was spiritually and emotionally exhausted. The bedroom we had so lovingly prepared for a baby remained empty. And I still had no answers.

GOD AT WORK

In times like these, we may be tempted to give up on prayer. But before we do, we should consider a truth buried in the genealogies of Jesus in the gospels of Matthew and Luke. (Yes, the genealogies—those seemingly interminable lists of names where your New Year’s resolutions to read through the Bible typically meet an untimely demise.) These genealogies cover not only the years of Israel’s military triumphs and covenant faithfulness—times when God’s answers to prayer were obvious—but also the centuries during which worshipers persevered in their petitions for a Messiah while wondering if God would ever respond. They remind us that, even in the midst of His apparent silence, God was working. Through “Achim who begat Eliud who begat Eleazar” and all the other begats, God was forming the household and the nation where the Messiah would, for a time, find His home.

Of course, the Messiah didn’t arrive in the way His people assumed He would. Who would have believed that a girl with one foot still in puberty could have the other foot in motherhood without placing either foot in a man’s bed? And although her baby was from the house of David, He certainly didn’t enjoy royal wealth. According to Lk. 2:24, Mary and Joseph sacrificed a pair of birds when they dedicated Jesus at the temple, presumably because they couldn’t afford a lamb (see Lev. 12:8). The baby wasn’t very well equipped to wipe out Israel’s enemies either; He was too small for armor, and He couldn’t wield a sword. Yet His arrival made it apparent—at least to those who were quiet enough to notice—that God had not been silent after all. The answer had just not reached them yet.

The same is often true in our lives. So how do we learn to wait for and recognize God’s response? Let’s take another look at Simeon and Anna.

IN THE WAITING ROOM

Thousands of worshipers came to the temple the day Joseph and Mary brought Jesus to be circumcised, yet only Simeon and Anna recognized the young Messiah. Why were they able to see past the implausible packaging and identify the presence of God in this baby? Perhaps it was because they had learned to embrace the apparent silence of God, not with anger or impatience, but with expectant stillness. They anticipated God’s future response while rejoicing in their present circumstances.

It had been revealed to Simeon “that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Christ” (Lk. 2:26). So he waited for…months? Years? Decades? Yet his stillness was not languid or lonely. Scripture tells us that Simeon was “waiting for the consolation of Israel” while enjoying the immediate presence of the Holy Spirit (Lk. 2:25).

Anna too, it seems, had long been waiting for the Messiah. She was “very old” and had been a widow for many years. She “never left the temple”—perhaps because she was anticipating God’s response to her pleas for redemption. Yet she also never stopped embracing God’s power in her current situation; she “worshiped night and day, fasting and praying” (Lk. 2:37).

Although God seemed unresponsive, Simeon and Anna continued to ask and watch for the Messiah. So when the long-awaited answer—the child who had been on His way since God first kissed this planet with His grace—reached the temple courts, it was the worn-out priest and the widowed prophetess who recognized Him as God’s response to their prayers.

The stillness Simeon and Anna modeled is, I believe, the birth canal of authentic prayer. For it is in the pangs of God’s apparent silence that we become aware of our deepest needs, and it is in the depths of our stillness that we find the space to recognize God’s answers when they arrive.

SEEING THE ANSWER

Eventually God’s answer arrived for us too. Four months after the third birth mother reneged, a new prospect emerged. A family in another state had adopted a girl from Romania and then abandoned her. Would we be interested in an older child? It took mounds of paperwork plus manic preparations, but six months later my wife and I stood before a judge, declaring ourselves to be the parents of a spunky little seven-year-old named Hannah.

On the drive home that evening, we watched the setting sun spin a fiery kaleidoscope across the western sky.

“God sure made a pretty sky tonight, didn’t He?” I said.

“Mm-hmm,” a sleepy voice from the backseat replied. Hannah curled up against her pink Kim Possible pillow, and there was a long silence. Suddenly, she sat up.

“Daddy, know what? God put red in the sky tonight—that’s Mommy’s favorite color. There’s blue for you. Over there is pink; that’s for me.”

“All our favorite colors are in the sky tonight, aren’t they?”

“Uh-huh. Know what else, Daddy? I think God’s happy because all the colors are finally together. How about you?” Several moments passed before a reply wedged its way past the lump in my throat.

“Yes, Hannah, I’m happy too,” I said. “I’m happy too.”

It was there—somewhere between the innocent observation of my daughter and the luminous wonder of an Oklahoma sunset—that I learned the significance of God’s silence. And the joy of God began to seep, ever so slowly, back into the parched recesses of my soul.
With this joy came a capacity I had never experienced before—the capacity for expectant stillness. I realized that Hannah hadn’t become my daughter on this day in the chambers of a county judge. No, Hannah had been my girl from the moment she was conceived in some unknown village on the other side of the world—I just didn’t know it yet. While I was, for months, screaming into what seemed like silence, God had already answered my prayers with this child.

That is, I believe now, how God often works in His children’s lives: As in the most magnificent sunsets, God whirls into our lives hues and shades that no interior decorator would dream of approving. Somehow, the colors we had planned don’t quite make it onto the Master Artist’s palette, and in the silence that seems to follow our cries for explanation and intervention, His combinations appear dubious at best.

But one day, in the stillness of our souls, we see it—a design as clear and colossal as the wildest and most wonderful of sunsets. In that moment, we realize that the circumstances we questioned and even cursed were part of an answer that God was forming long before we even knew the words to make our request. Knowing that God’s answer is on the way may not make praying into the silence seem any less crazy, but it does make it easier to wait for it with expectant stillness.

Timothy Jones

http://www.navpress.com/magazines/archives/article.aspx?id=21643

How do you need love?

2011-01-04T08:04:00.002-06:00

I think one of the hardest parts of parenting a child with RAD is dealing with the sadness of not being loved back. We love them so fiercely. When we show love to our kids or husbands we have a love style. In his book 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, talks about our love language, or the way we need to receive love. He states there are 5: Words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, quality time. There is even a little quiz on his website that you can take to help determine yours if you don't know it. Mine is quality time, there is no doubt.

One of the difficulties in family relationships is that we tend to show people we love them by using our own love language. So I may want to show my husband love by spending time with him. His love language is acts of service, so it does not make him feel loved in the same way as me when I spend an hour with him. Weirdly enough, I can clean the whole basement and he is beaming. If that is your love language...sorry.

One of the ways I figured out my kids love language was by asking them how someone would know they are loved. "Hug them" is a sign of needing the physical touch. It is Taz's love language.

Knowing our family helps us to be attuned to them, to meet their needs. So do a little experimenting with family members with whom you may be unsure and see what brings a smile to their eyes!

As far as RAD goes, it has helped in approaching those kids in ways that are most meaningful to them. Their love language is out of whack, but I can guarantee you, from day on Taz has loved a hug even when he would not hug back. On days when he wouldn't take a hug because of rage a high five or a pat on the hand, still calmed him.

All of us really want to be loved in a way that is meaningful and deep to our hearts.

Have a healing day.

By the way, my husband is going to swing dance lessons with me tonight. I'd better go scrub the bathroom floor! (Quality time/ Acts of service)

New Year Fear or Hope?

2011-01-01T09:50:00.000-06:00

For any newbies here let me kind of tell you where we have come from. Our boys were adopted from foster care at ages 6, 6 and 3. Yup. The two are twins. One of the 6 year olds and the 3 year old had RAD. The 3 year old became worse and worse until at age 7 he was kicking apart his furniture, pulling sheet rock off his walls, climbing up onto and breaking his closet shelves, screaming defiantly "You are not my mother. You will never be my mother. Can you get that through your thick head Brenda?" He would partially pop open the car doors while we were driving down the street. I started using the child safety locks and then it became a battle for him to try to turn them back off as the door shut. He would wipe his nose on the walls......well you know the story. You are living it. The 6 yo was very passive aggressive. He would say "OK". and then do the opposite. He refused to do school work. He does have a learning disability but refused to do even work modified for him. Suddenly when he grew taller than my husband he became dangerous. He has threatened to kill my husband. And threatened to "show his real anger" to me. He has swung a big stick at my husband in the yard and Teddy ended up hospitalized for a week in the mental health unit. He was in fights at school and was just a plain scary young man.
This went on for 9 years with Taz and for 12 with Teddy. Taz has come along way in his attachment. He still has a ways to go. Teddy has declared that love is too hard for him. His anger is part of who he is and he doesn't know who he would be without it. But he has attached probably as best he can or will at this point in his life. The boys are now 15 and 18. Legal age in Nebraska is 19 so he will be a legal adult in June.

Back to the topic at hand! I remember so many years on January 1 thinking "I can not take another year of this. What am I going to do?" We got through it. Keep reading, keep going to a therapist who specializes in attachment and/or early childhood trauma if it is available to you, keep up with the playfulness,attunement, empathy, boundaries, appropriate loving touch.

Do not lose hope. I never thought we'd make it to this point. I was worried both boys would end up in residential treatment. If you have a child in residential treatment be assured you are seeking the best help possible for your child. I'm sure you tried every means. But suddenly with Taz, there was healing and he has grown from that point. Teddy is working with Vocational Rehabilitation on options for high school and with an army recruiter. I have gone from fear, to hope as they approach adulthood. Will they always make wise choices? No, but than neither do I. Will they have successful adult relationships? Only one way to find out. It will probably be a struggle for them.

So choose hope rather than fear to begin your New Year! Cheers to HOPE!

Ju-Jitsu Parenting

2010-12-30T20:12:00.000-06:00

ju·jit·su also ju·jut·su or jiu·jit·su or jiu·jut·su (j-jts)n.
An art of weaponless self-defense developed in Japan that uses throws, holds, and blows and derives added power from the attacker's own weight and strength.

I hesitated to use this phrase because I never want to think of parenting as a fight or combat. So please take that picture out of your head. Instead I want to focus on rolling with it. That is what Ju-Jitsu does. Our youngest is taking Mixed Martial Arts. It uses kick boxing, jujitsu and wrestling. I think. Anyway, Ju-Jitsu rolls with the other person force or momentum to gain advantage.

There are times when our children's fears are so strong that they will not let go of certain behaviors. Here is an example. Every night Teddy walks into the kitchen while I am fixing dinner. He seems to pick that moment when 2 things are done at once, the phone is ringing and the dog wants out. At that moment he says "What's for dinner?" I know. I know. This sounds so petty. You have to realize this child RARELY speaks to me. But he picks this moment every evening to ask me this same question.He is 18 years old, so can pretty clearly see what is being prepared. For a long time I just answered. This seems to be not only reinforcing the question, timing and persistence, but then he stands there and stares at me. I can get exasperated. It is easy to read WAY to much into his actions. Why is he picking that moment when it gets most hectic to come in and ask? Probably because that is when I'm making the most noise, dinner is almost done so smells good (hopefully) and he's hungry. He doesn't take hunger well and it brings up fear for him. He still says "I'm hungry" in a the voice of a very young child with a look on his face that says "Why are you doing this to me?"

So I need to start rolling with it. Teddy, would you like to come in and stir the ---? I need to start getting him involved. We need to focus on building relationships with our children and NOT focus on being irritated or annoyed.

So look for what irritations repeat themselves with your child and ask "How can I roll with it?" Use it to bring you closer and to build.

I know this sounds like RAD parenting 101, but some of us are slow learners. Be patient with me.

Have a healing weekend.

Gungor "Beautiful Things" Acoustic Performance

2010-12-22T18:02:00.001-06:00

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll even find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

He Is the Reason for my Season

2010-12-16T09:15:00.000-06:00

Nobody tells it better than Linus. I need to focus on our family and The Reason for the next couple of weeks so this will be here until after Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Charlie Brown Christmas

2010-12-16T09:13:00.000-06:00

A Christmas Worth Remembering

2010-12-15T08:22:00.002-06:00

free digital photos

It happens to everyone. Christmas decorations to put up, cards to mail, gifts to purchase and wrap. Then there are the gift exchanges, cookies exchanges PLUS the kids school, church programs, PLUS the regular sports activities, lessons, etc. I'm tired just typing that out. Throw in a traumatized child and you have the recipe for disaster.

As my kids are healing holidays are no longer a problem. This was definitely not true when they were younger. We simplified, simplified, simplified. I did not play Christmas music. We did not talk about Christmas. We kept the running to a minimum and did not put out presents until the night of our gift opening. Christmas (and pretty much all holidays but maybe Columbus Day) set off triggers for our boys behavior big time. School was a night mare right before Christmas so there were often calls from the principal about behavior. All kids are excited and on edge right before Christmas. My boys would feed off that energy and take it about two levels higher. It is what trauma does to a child's brain. All strong emotion was sent right to the fight/flight/freeze are where panic would set in.

I do really have a point here. This year we are focusing on having a Christmas worth remembering. We are staying in budget. We sent out a Thanksgiving letter instead a Christmas letter, which may do from here on out! We do stockings at our house and I think those are so much fun. I love finding little personal things to stick in them.. This year, at the challenge of our pastor, we are giving one gift worth remembering...Do you remember your gifts from last year? I am putting one thing in each persons stocking that is an activity to do with me. I bought a paper back book for our oldest daughter who is married and away from home. I bought the same book for me. We will read it together even though apart and talk about it. Taz loves to bake. I found a small cookbook called 101 Things to do with a Cake Mix and I will ask him if at least part of the time, he will ask me to bake with him. I bought Teddy an origami set and will ask him the same, to ask me to make some of them with him. I am getting a craft kit for Dancer and am still contemplating for Fish and Hubby. I will know when I see the right thing.

Is this a Christmas worth remembering for you? I hope so.

The Gospel According to Scrooge

2010-12-13T07:56:00.000-06:00

Last night we went and saw The Gospel According to Scrooge at a local church. Over 200 people were involved in the production of this play which is a variation of The Christmas Carol. In the beginning the pastor said to look for someone with whom you could identify in the play and see what feelings you have.

One scene depicted young Scrooge as a boy in an orphanage. This is one of the places where it varied from the movie. Scrooge talks about feeling alone and forgotten, like no one cares. The young girl talks to him about God.

At the end of the play I asked "Did you boys find anyone with whom you identified in the play?" There answers are classic. I could tell the play was getting through to Taz because he started squirming and fidgeting like you wouldn't believe. His response to my question was "No, not really." I would have bet you a million dollars (if I gambled) that this would be his response. It does not mean he did not identify with anyone but that he did not want to talk about it.

Teddy's response was also classic. "Who do you think I would identify with?" I already knew he was wanting me to say Scrooge. I just said "Well Teddy, I can not tell who you would identify with, I can only tell who I would identify with." He said "Well, not really anyone."

The point here is that when something meaningful happens and they shrug it off don't assume it was a waste of time. It is all getting through. They are absorbing every bit. It will be worth it all.

Have a healing day.

The power of music

2010-12-12T13:23:00.001-06:00

Over the years music has had a powerful effect on both me and my children who were traumatized. That is why I occasionally post love songs. Play them during a quiet time in your household. You may not need to say a word, other than maybe "I love this song." The song Anyway, first began with Taz saying every time "I hate that song". After a few months of playing it almost every morning, he started singing along and would say "I like that song". I played the one below it ,"Satisfied" yesterday and said "I love this song, isn't it neat?" and Taz who was sitting less than 3 feet away said "I didn't hear it." I just smiled. I'll be playing it more often.

Christine has such a song on her blog today too. Travel on over to that one. Play a few songs a week. Don't shove it down their throats or talk about the meaning. Just keep playing it.

Have a healing worship filled Sunday!

Martina McBride - Anyway

2010-12-12T13:17:00.000-06:00

Attunement vs Enmeshment

2010-12-11T08:57:00.000-06:00

Therapists, books, websites all say we are to be "attuned" to our child. Not many speak of enmeshment. Enmeshment is a trap many parents, especially moms, fall into. Here is the difference.

Attunement: Is essential in attachment with your child. It simply means being in touche, in sync, with your child's emotions, mood, and feelings. It is looking them in the eye and truly knowing and feeling their pain or fear. It is walking a mile in their shoes so to speak and letting them know that you know.

Enmeshment: is when you not only get in touch with their emotions, mood, and feelings, but take them on as your own; when you feel you are responsible for those emotions, moods and feelings. It is when you become so entangled with your child you do not know where he or she ends and you begin.

It is easy to attempt the first, attunement, and get caught up in the second, enmeshment, especially if you are a person who is strong in the feeling/emotion way of looking at life.

I speak from experience.

It is so important we are attuned to our child. We need to be able to step into their world and walk around in it. It helps us to understand them. But we must be able to then step back out and help them in understanding their world while living in our own.

This requires boundaries. If you believe you are having some problems with this here are some things that helped me.

Take time with your husband and don't talk about the kids. (can you do that?)
Hang out with friends and don't talk about the kids.
Hang out with your other kids and don't talk about your hurt child.

Have fun!! Can you do that? If not, it might be time to look at yourself and see if you have become overly involved in your child's pain. It is a fine line. If you can't sort it out yourself, seek out help from a professional or a parent who is experienced with RAD. We are here to help each other.

Have a healing FUN weekend.

Jewel - Satisfied

2010-12-10T15:28:00.000-06:00

A Couple of Fun Activities to do WITH your Child

2010-12-09T08:02:00.001-06:00

Photo by Free Digital Photo

Fun times together are important to your child feeling safe and being able to attach. If you have a child who sabotages those times it can be tough. Keep the activities short and stop BEFORE they act out, if that is possible. When you are done tell them if they are feeling upset about having some together time to go ahead and have a fit (or whatever they do). Giving them permission often means they won't do it.

These are just a couple of simple things that are for Christmas:

Build a Snowman (for the younger ones, but I have to admit I kind of liked it too)

Build a Snowflake I've actually had this one on my computer for years and I do it year round.

If you have other computer activities you think families could enjoy please share. The important thing is to do them together.

Have a healing day!

Love the Mama

2010-12-08T09:01:00.001-06:00

It is beginning to feel like a long time ago when we were in Attachment Therapy. The kids were raging due to the fear of growing closer. Some of their behaviors included:

Spitting all over the flower
Wiping their nose pickin's on the walls
Ripping sheet rock off their bedroom walls
Peeing in their rooms
kicking apart bedroom furniture
screaming hateful things at me
Kicking the back of my car seat while driving so hard I would have to stop because I'd fly forward
half opening car doors while we were moving
incessant nonsense chatter
endless unrelated questions

Those are the ones that come to the top of my head. It was a tough time. That makes me smile because there are no words to describe it. "tough time" sounds like maybe dealing with one of those things. It was a nightmare. Yesterday Peggy Sue, who is a very experienced mom who knows her stuff, commented on their refusal to answer questions about homework.

So today is Love the Mama day.

First of all, are you taking care of yourself? Are you getting time away, focusing on other parts of your life (RAD cannot be the center), spending time with your spouse, and just plain old having fun? If not, it is time to start. I know it is hard. Who can you leave them with? We used foster parents in our church for respite. They are about the only ones trained to handle this kind of behavior. Plus the chances are the kids are going to do that for them anyway. They save it for you....which takes me back to taking care of the caregiver.

Here are a few other things that helped me:

Keep school a school issue. You cannot make a child "behave" at school. Let them handle it. The further you remove yourself from that situation the more calm you will feel. Don't let the school throw it in your lap. If they try meet it with "Thanks for letting me know. How do you plan on handling it?"

Homework: We set a 1 hour a night homework time as Taz got older. That is too much for early elementary. We had a small desk in the corner of the kitchen eating area. He had to take out his books and sit there one hour each night. If he said he had no homework he could sit there and read or draw but it was "Homework" time. This was while I was preparing dinner so I was right there. He liked that I was there but not so close as to bug him. I told him homework was his job. He could do it or not.I told him that many people choose to complete his grade in a year but if he decided to do it in 2 we would support the decision. It never happened.

Chores: No nagging. We ate dinner at 5:30. If I noticed wasn't doing them I'd say "Dinner is at 5:30. You may eat with us or eat later but your chores have to be done first. You can decide when you want to do them." One time we all sat down to eat. He walked in a pretended not to remember. I said "You may eat when your chores are done." He joined us before the meal was over.

A lot of this is Love & Logic stuff. I'm a believer. It is Foster Cline's book. He also has a website with a lot of great articles.

Here is his Page of free resources.

Have a healing day. Don't keep doing the same things if they aren't working. It is hard to switch because we want to teach them. If it doesn't work. Quit doing it and try something else. There ARE things that work with traumatized kids. The acception to that would be empathy, structure, loving appropriate touch, and fun times. All kids deserve those things.

Never, never, never quit.

Looking at the World Through Your Child's Eyes

2010-12-05T09:39:00.001-06:00

I find the below video to be powerful. If I think about putting on RAD glasses, trauma glasses, that help me to see the world through my child's eyes what messages would I see? Perhaps:

"I'm scared to hug you."
"You are going to leave me."
"I am worthless."

I'm sure you can go on with the list. How we respond is changed by what we understand. Seek to understand your child. They need it. They deserve it. They are so scared. It helps me, if as I go through our day, and my child is angry, screaming, defiant, and unreasonable to STOP myself. Take a step back and take my own emotion out of the moment and look at the situation analytically. What happened right before the behavior? What is lying ahead of us in the day? What happened yesterday? And start asking questions. Are you sad your sister left for college? Are you nervous about going out of town to visit grandma tomorrow? Keep asking until your child says "Maybe". Help the child calm down before you talk. Change the subject. Find an activity to do together. Offer words of empathy during a rage. "I see you are feeling so sad today". "Go ahead and scream if it helps and then we'll use your words." Or even better yet, learn what sets them off and de-escalate before it gets into a rage. Look for physical changes, a certain look in the eye and then say "Do you need to scream?" Mine would NEVER have a rage if I gave them permission first. I'd say "Go ahead if you need to. I'm love you enough and am strong enough to let you." Total silence.

You can do this. Put on the correct glasses and then "Get it".

Get Service

2010-12-05T09:35:00.000-06:00

Stages of Development

2010-12-02T22:17:00.000-06:00

There are several well known theorists who developed their own views on human development. I am going to provide links to several of the more well known theories. Chances are you will not agree with all any one theorist has to say.

The reason I am posting these is because it is an easy way to see how your child with RAD does fit into a stage of development. Chances are it is not one that matches his or her age. Our children suffered trauma. Trauma interferes with development in every way. If you look at some of these charts and find your child's development stage it will help you figure out where you need to go back too. It helps us better understand our children. Understanding makes empathy with our children easier.

So here we go:

Erikson's Stages

Kolhberg's Stages of Moral Development

Piaget's Developmental Theory

Once you start understanding trauma and how it has changed your child's brain, you will be surprised at how much less you will be angry and frustrated. It really is not their fault they have been through all these horrible things. They were not in control of the situation or the adults. They were just little ones. Makes me want to go give them a hug. Even if it is a tree hug. ; )

Have a healing evening.

Child development and RAD

2010-11-29T12:11:00.000-06:00

Above you see Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid. It shows the order in which our needs are developed and build upon one another. First our physical needs: food, clothing, shelter.. must be met before we can go on to the next level.

After our physical needs are met, we need to feel safe. Can we think about anything else if our lives are in danger or we are afraid? If you are stuck on the railroad tracks in your car with an oncoming train, will you sit there and read a book? Of course not, and so many of our children live with this sense of fear 27 and we want them to do "normal" activities like the other kids. Many of our children are stuck right here on this level.

Next are social needs, a need to belong, feel a part of a family, a group. Remember, first the physical needs and need to feel safe must be met before a child can feel like they belong. We get frustrated they don't believe us. We try to prove our love over and over....maybe we need to back up and help them to feel safe first.

The next level is esteem needs. Our kids have felt rejected often not by one family but by several. They feel it is their fault they are moved. They have an overwhelming sense of shame due to past neglect, abuse and moves. They want to love this new family but do not feel safe and can't. "What is wrong with me?" is often their inner cry which comes out "There is nothing wrong with me." I don't know how many times I have heard my boys say this. I assure them there is nothing wrong with them. They have healing hearts. They have been told by people they are "foster kids", they were a mistake, they are trouble. I assure them they were planned by God. He has a plan for them and values them far above rubies.

The top level is self actualization. Wikipedia (who knows all things) defines this as "motive to realize one's full potential". I'm not sure any of us can actually say we do this, but many of us have it as a goal. Our children have difficulty here, mainly because they are stuck on lower levels. Their emotional, intellectual, spiritual, psychological development are stuck.

I don't know if this gives anyone a clearer understanding of how our kids get stuck but I like the visual for myself.

Have a healing day!

Having a thankful Thanksgiving

2010-11-21T08:08:00.001-06:00

Any holiday is hard for traumatized kids. Sometimes it is memories that come flooding back of holidays past. Those can be good or bad. Either is hard. Sometimes it is the whole "all strong emotion goes to the flight/fright/freeze" part of the brain and produces chaotic behavior. Sometimes it is the change in schedule makes them uneasy. Changes in food effect us all. They sure do me.

So here are a few tips I've picked up over the years on getting through Thanksgiving.

Getting ready:

Don't start to soon. The further ahead the kids know the tougher it is.

Start by talking to the kids about where you are going, how long you will be there, who will be there and what will be happening. When my kids were young every time we went to any body's house their first question was "Am I going to live there now?" Changes in homes were common place and yet terrifying to them. Do better than "NO, you live here now." Give them "I love you and you are my son. You will live with me the rest of your childhood. Going to grandmas' is a part of Thanksgiving." Share some of your holiday memories from your childhood.

Make a packing list and have them help with the plans. Have them help you pack too so they know you are going to stay too. Pack some board games and take along some outdoor activities, like side walk chalk if it is warm enough.

Have them help you cook.

On the way there. Play "I Spy", listen to music and keep them busy. Idle hands are hyper hands.

When you are there:

Do not make food a battle. DO NOT MAKE FOOD A BATTLE.

Keep them close to your side. Play board games with them. You will be surprised when family members join in and it becomes a family activity.

Take them outside for exercise. They need to release that energy. If there is nothing to do go for a walk, take them to a park.

Be prepared for well meaning family who will want to love all over your child. If you can prepare them ahead of time and tell them that you are still working on attachment issues with your child and that for now they should be careful about that. Some will ignore you and do it anyway. Let it go if you can't stop it. It is only for a few days. YES you will have to repair. You will have work to do after the visit anyway. If you have to take your child to a movie, the mall or some place to get away for an hour or so.

Work out a signal. Whether touching your ear. Holding up 1 -4-3 fingers (I Love You) when your child starts to escalate to let them know you understand, you are there, but they need to come to you and settle down.

Use Time In. Don't set your child off alone in a room if they misbehave. Set them on the floor next to you and touch them, their should, the top of their head, hold their hand. If they cannot calm them selves then help them by being calm and telling them I will help you calm yourself.

Keep the sleep schedule as close to normal as possible.

When you get home, go right back to the schedule, eating and sleeping habits your child is used too. Do a lot of letting them know they are safe. Let them know that you understand that was a hard visit. Let them know that there were times when it is scary and they are safe and warm and at home with you.

It will be a tough week. Just know if you keep it up that there will be wonderful Thanksgiving's ahead where your child will be appropriate and happy with the relatives.

Oh....And what are you thankful for??? I hope during the focus on your child you take time to think about your own life. It should not be so enmeshed with your child's that you do not know what blessings you have I am thankful for my own little family, extended family, friends old and new, our home, being done with my masters, freedom, and a warm home on cold days. I am thankful for each of you.

Have a healing Thanksgiving!!

Weekend fun with RAD

2010-11-20T07:51:00.000-06:00

This morning I am taking Taz to his MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) class. Later today we are taking the boys to see Red. We told them yesterday. Then we will go to Culver's for ice cream. If it warms up we will put the Christmas lights on our house. Sound like a regular day in suburbia? Not so long ago we would have done this all very differently. Our kids are healing.

Children wit RAD have a great deal of difficulty in extra curricular activities. This is hard because school teachers and therapists unRAD push having your child in social activities. The only way they could handle the classes at all was if I went with them as a sponsor and that didn't work so well either.

I would receive phone calls from teachers or coaches. Taz would not follow any rules, he was disruptive, he wouldn't keep his hands to himself, he said something inappropriate. There were a few reasons for this. Developmentally many children who have suffered trauma are stuck at the age when the trauma happened. Think about your child's behavior and ask yourself what age you believe they most closely resemble....Then ask yourself what was going on at that time in their life. It is like putting a large 3 year old in with a group of 8 year olds and expecting success.

They do not know how to talk to the other kids. They do not know how to relate to the adults. This is a stressful situation that cannot end well. I finally started telling people that until Taz made some progress I felt putting him in these activities was very detrimental to his self esteem. It was intentionally putting him in a situation in which he would fail.

And now he is in MMA 3 times a week. Yes. He is.

It used to be if we were going to a family activity like a movie/ice cream we would not tell them until we were headed to the car. They would be so wild/angry/out of control that it was hard not to cancel the activity. So we just didn't tell them. Sometimes it was tempting to not do family activities because of the chaos that would come wit it. The self sabotaging behavior. They don't think they deserve it. All emotion goes right to that flight/fright/freeze mode, even excitement. Before you leave for an activity tell them then OR tell them it is a surprise. But tell them as you leave they are safe, you will be with them and that they do deserve it because they are a part of the family.

Now we told them yesterday. It is not big deal.

Healing can happen. Until then treat special kids in a special way. Don't let anyone tell you that you are not doing it right. Protect their hearts. Keep things calm, safe and in control on your part.

It is hard but it is worthwhile.
Have a healing, fun day!

Dr. Karyn Purvis

2010-11-19T08:25:00.000-06:00

I was not familiar with Dr. Karyn Purvis until I visited Christine at her blog yesterday and watched her videos. Dr. Purvis is the director of the Institute of Child Development. I feel Dr. Purvis is a great example of what Nancy Thomas calls the correct combination of Grandma and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Gentle and yet strong. I love that. I am not saying I agree with all her views. I am not familiar enough with her work to say this. But I do love the two videos on Christine's blog.

Rolling with the Resistance

2010-11-18T11:00:00.002-06:00

Children who have RAD are resistant. Did that make you smile or roll your eyes? No kidding. They resist out of fear, mistrust, which comes out as defiance.

Therapists who use DDP use PACE to work with a resistant child and it will work for you too.

Playful
Accepting
Curious
Empathy

Playful: Change the subject. Start talking about the dog, start doing some fun activity, get that brain out of the back (Flight, fight, freeze) mode and into the front of the brain with the logical thinking works. You might be surprised how easily they switch!

Example: When Taz is angry (reason doesn't matter) "Let's make some muffins". I keep muffin mixes in the cupboard that require few ingredients and he can make them easily with me along side. Or even "Look at that tree. Aren't those the most beautiful colors you have ever seen?"

Accepting: Accept whatever story your child gives you. Do not question or argue. Roll with it.
Example: "I want to work at ___. It looks like the most fun place of all." After I have told him that place is too far from home. My response "It does look like fun." He stopped and moved on. He felt heard.

Curious: "Could it be...... " come up with some possibilities of what "might" have happened. Be gentle, curious and completely NOT sarcastic. If they become defensive immediately repair.

Example: "He hit me first and I did not do anything to deserve it. So I hit him back. He did deserve it." The teacher has told you that when your child was out in baseball at recess that he walked up and punched someone on the other team who was standing off to the side.
FIRST Give the accepting response. "That must have been very upsetting. I know I'd be upset if he did that to me." "Could it be that you were really upset about getting out. Sometimes it is so hard to be out when you really want to make a point. It can make us have some big feelings that we don't know what to do with.

Child becomes angry and says "I said he hit me for no reason. I didn't do anything".
Parent: "I'm sorry if I brought those big feelings back up for you again. I hope you will forgive me."
Child: "It's OK. I might have been a little mad when I was out."
Parent:"I know I sometimes lose my temper when I am feeling sad. Let's talk about how to handle that in away that makes you feel good about yourself."

This conversation can go back and forth for awhile with the curious parent/repairing the relationship.

Last is
Empathy: "If this had happened to me I would have been so embarrassed (use the feeling you believe might fit your child. You are the expert on them). Some kids seem to be so good at sports and I know all of us wish we could be.. It is frustrating."

It is easy to fall back on the "What did you do? Don't lie to me." sort of mentality and it does not work with kids who feel so much shame/sadness/fear.

Give it a try. You might be happy with the results!

Have a healing day!

What is DDP? How do we know it works?

2010-11-17T08:30:00.000-06:00

Dr. Daniel Hughes and Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman are the leading proponents of Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy in the treatment of traumatized children. What is it? How do we know it works?

What is it?

This is a form of therapy developed in 1990. It is attachment-focused and family centered. Dr. Daniel Hughes gives a very understandable description of DDP on his website, Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. Please read this material. It is vital to our children's healing.

How do we know it works?

Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman has done to empirical studies on DDP. We want our children to be treated with methods that are shown to be effective, reliable and valid. Please feel free to go to his site, Center 4 Family Development to read not only his research articles but other articles on DDP.

It is a mistake to think that just because the methods our children's trauma therapist's use are not common, they may not be correct. Long gone are the days of holding and "re birthing".

Read the research. Be informed about your child's care. It is empowering.

How You Be

2010-11-16T09:10:00.002-06:00

It’s not “what you do”, it’s “how you be”.

by Mary-Jo Land

“What should I do when my son lies?”

“What should we do when our daughter steals?”

“What should I do when my son hurts my other son?”

These are questions parents ask frequently. Before I learned about attachment disorder and the effects of early trauma and neglect, I would talk with parents about antecedents, behaviours and consequences. We would engage in conversations with the child about what the rules are and what will happen if they are broken. This dynamic is at play in most “Western” culture families, and is reflected in our society. Our legal systems focus on negative consequences for unwanted behaviour. We use police to gather evidence, courts to examine it and judges to decide the fate of the accused ne’er-do-well. As a parent do you ever feel as though you have become the police, judge and jury when your children misbehave? When behaviour is the focus, this is likely to occur.

This cognitive behavioural approach works well with typically-developing children; children who love and trust their parents and who strive to maintain concordance with them. This is the way most of us were raised. We didn’t want to get into trouble because we didn’t want to feel our parents’ disappointment, or experience unwanted emotional distance. Our actions were governed by the internal motivation of feeling in the good graces of our parents. Any breach in that feeling of the positive, protective relationship was uncomfortable if not painful. The rules that were broken were relatively minor, and correction came quickly with natural and logical consequences. The breach in the relationship was restored. This normal repair system worked because the child with secure attachment has an intact sense of self; she believes that she is good, worthy and valued; that parents are trustworthy and well-intended and the world is a safe and interesting place.

Children with early relational trauma begin life with a basic failure of the care-giving system. As a result, they do not develop a secure attachment characterized by trust in the benevolence of the adults in their lives. Rather than basking in the knowledge that they are loved and protected by their parents, they are uncertain about or fearful of their parents. Benevolence is not assumed. Maltreatment is anticipated. Rather than an intrinsic motivation to remain emotionally close and harmonious, the motivation becomes survival of the self through independence from others. We see this as pathological or precocious self-reliance. In this way, children with attachment disorder have not had the opportunity to learn to want to be acceptable to the primary care giver.

Another aspect of this dynamic is the child’s need to avoid their own inner life. How can he examine feeling scared, rejected and shameful when he feels alone and without help to do that? Without the ability to reflect on his own inner life, he struggles for any understanding of the inner life of others (Theory of Mind). Affective and arousal dysregulation are common-- and frightening—experiences. Children with traumatic relational experiences often feel out of control. When a behavioural consequence is administered to a child who is out of his own control, the child may feel unjustly and unfairly punished because they did not consciously intend nor premeditate the misdeed. For some children though, punishment may be sought out as a way to have the parent see the “bad child” that the child believes he is. If punishment is given while the parent is angry or upset (frightening), the child is reinforced in his belief that parents are malevolent; and the attachment disorder is supported.

One more reason why behavioural methods are not effective for children with disorders of attachment is that rewards and consequences are conditional on behaviour. The positive regard from parent to child is felt by the child to be conditional. In other words, “I know I am bad. My parents reward me when I am good, but deep down I know I am bad and not really worthy of a reward. They don’t love me when I am bad so that proves I am unloved / unlovable.” Parenting children with relational trauma requires therapeutic parenting. Providing your child with unconditional positive regard (not just love) is essential to gradually growing the seeds of a positive sense of self. This is about accepting your child as he or she is (while not permitting your child to do as he likes). Consistent unconditional positive regard for your child in the face of obnoxious or violent behaviour is one of the keys to reducing the deep shame the child feels. As you remain open, kind and calm in the face of your child’s dysregulation, she learns that no matter what, you accept the worst she has to give; the smeared feces, the broken lamps, the urine on the carpet, the terrorized dog and the disgruntled neighbours. As she experiences your love of the “bad child” whom she knows she is, along with the good child you want her to be, she can begin to trust that you won’t leave her, hurt her, or shun her. Because you pay attention, care, understand and accept her, her shame has a place to heal.

So when parents ask “What do I do?” I reply, “Create physical and emotional safety. Be calm. Be kind. Be accepting.” Connect heart to heart with your child by staying close. Be wise and confident as you reflect her feelings so she can learn to understand them. Talk about what happened only when your child is calm and able to listen. Work out what to do (repair, give restitution, reconcile) only after your child’s emotions and behaviour have re-stabilized through your positive regard. Natural and logical consequences need to be short and occur when the child is calm and hopefully, willing. Parents of children with attachment disorders should not expect to change behaviour but to teach that limits can be safe and not shaming. The change in behaviour will occur through the process of the development of attachment as the child’s shame is reduced and self-regulation develops. Emphasis needs to be on relationship repair not punishment. Try to end the event with you and your child feeling as close as or closer than when it began. If fact, it isn’t over until you are.

I want to make sure, if you didn't notice at the top of the page, that you see that this article was written by Mary Jo Lund.

Facing Your Giants

2010-11-11T07:54:00.000-06:00

I am reading Facing Your Giants by Max Lucado. It is very helpful in parenting my kids. It is very helpful in dealing with life.

The book talks about the giants in your life whatever they may be. Those situations that look huge, scary and unconquerable. It is an easy quick read. Each chapter is only a few pages.

It is relative to parenting the hurt child. It is relative to fighting battles each day.

Have a healing day.

Defensiveness

2010-11-02T08:41:00.000-05:00

I find that one of the things that really gets in my way is my own defensiveness. Teddy is always on the defensive himself. Always looking for danger. The world is his scary place. So how does a person who thinks they are in grave danger behave? As though their very lives are at risk.

He does not trust. He is angry because anger feels stronger than fear. He gives short sharp answers. Is sarcastic and unkind.

It is easy to become defensive myself.

Kind answers turn away wrath. When Teddy makes himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he leaves a mess on the counter of crumbs and jelly. Instead of rolling my eyes and saying something defense myself a simple, pleasant "Could you wash the counter when you are finished please?" Gives me back a pleasant "Sure." Should I have to tell an 18 year old to clean up after himself? Probably not. But I can set the atmosphere in the house.

The old adage "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy." comes to mind. Don't feed the fear. Don't validate the feeling he is not safe. Angry eyes, a set jaw and snappy answers do just that.

I find that in providing a healing home the biggest battle lies within me.

The value of exercise

2010-10-30T17:48:00.000-05:00

We all know the importance of exercise for the average person. But what about for the child who has been through trauma? It is so much more important. They are stressed, possibly depressed and wound up tighter than a drum.

I took the boys on a hike today. This is Teddy at the beginning of the hike. Look at his hands. This is how he walked the first half of the walk. This is how he has his hands most of the time.

About half way through the walk look at his hands.

Physical movement causes us to breath more deeply which makes us breath slower. This in turn slows down our hearts. Physical activity produces endorphins. The feel good chemical our bodies produce. So if your kids won't get off the couch, get out there in the wide open spaces and move.

It doesn't just help them. It is good for me and improves my attitude too. Not that it needs it. But just in case :-)

What is your fear?

2010-10-28T08:43:00.001-05:00

According to a theorist (Adler) we all have four basic fears. This makes a lot of sense to me and I can see myself clearly. This is in normal (I may be normal) emotionally healthy individuals.

We generally have at least one if, not more of these fears. Chart form is easiest but no matter what I do my chart does not turn out so I'll cover each point as a sentence. There are four fears, common ways we over compensate and then how others usually feel.

Insignifance. When we fear insignificance we tend to do big or act big. Others often feel irritated.
Criticism. We need to control everybody and everything. Other often feel angry.
Rejection. We need to please others, but then are angry because people do not always appreciate what we do. Others then feel hurt because they thought it is what we wanted.
Hassle. Avoid confrontation at all cost. Others than feel helpless.

Do you see yourself? I sure do. I am definitely the last. I am telling you this because we need to think about the way our fears effect the way we parent. How hard is it to parent a child with trauma/attachment issues if you avoid confrontation at all cost? Impossible. When we first showed up at attachment therapy I had no idea how to deal other than be authoritarian or avoid. Neither is healthy. I HAD to learn to face confrontation in a peaceful way. If we want our kids to face our fears, what better example than to face our own first!

Above chart by Jackie Meyer of http://www.counselingandenrichment.com/

Carrie Underwood - I'll Stand By You

2010-10-23T16:45:00.000-05:00

Old Yeller

2010-10-05T08:47:00.000-05:00

Yup. That's me. This last weekend I morphed back into Old Yeller. My husband was gone out of town with Fish. That left me at home alone with Taz and Teddy. I was thinking "We'll make this a fun weekend!" I sat myself up. For those of you who are not familiar with our family, Taz had sever RAD. After 8 mths of treatment with The Attachment and Trauma Center of Nebraska and EMDR with a great trauma therapist he made some remarkable steps in attachment. Now I am not saying if you met Taz (age 15) you'd say "My what a remarkable young man". He still has some issues, but they are NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING like what he had before. He is doing pretty well in school. He is taking part in an evening activity, he attends youth group and does OK. There are far beyond what he was able to do previously. Teddy has made some steps in attachment but he has other issues that make life difficult for him and I believe, interfere with ability to feel safe. .

First of all to explain their old feelings that came back up. They have some strong abandonment feelings that go right to their very core. They have been with us for 12 years. Suddenly every noise sent Taz through the rough. His startle reflex was so strong. I was putting up a new chandelier in the dining room and dropped a piece of metal. He bolted from his room and veered to the side knocking over and end table and scratching it all up. It was wayyyyyyyyyyy out of the path. We went out to eat and to a movie and did some shopping. It was a tough weekend for all. I suppose looking back the best way to provide a safe feeling would have been to order in and rent DVDs but I thought we were beyond that. Those feelings of fear and abandonment run deep. Time for a calm conversation with Taz since he has had some time to calm back down and get back on track.

Oh yes. Old Yeller. I did not handle the weekend's stress. I resorted back to yelling which is NOT discipline, not loving and not mature. But I did it. Time for me to make some repairs there and look at where that all came from. I think the feelings of having hubby gone and being afraid I couldn't handle the two of them took over. Silly, I know, but that is what I did.

So what do you do when you get off track? Talk to each other about it. Apologies made, hugs all around and start again. One of the beauties of life. We get to start again!

Have a healing day!

My Mom is Going to Kill Me and other RAD thoughts

2010-09-28T22:36:00.001-05:00

Children who have been through trauma live in hypervigilent mode always watching for danger. When you live like that long enough, you miss a lot of stuff. One of the things my guys missed was the ablity to be in touch with their feelings. They don't have a lot of emotional logic. One of the ways that it shows up is that they do not understand what I am feeling or would even logically feel.

Often they think I will care about things that I have never been concerned about. I have had people say "He was so worried he got ketchup on his shirt. He said you were going to kill him." Really? We do have a washing machine. Clothes get dirty. I've never made a big deal over it. Other such statements. "mom can I turn on the light?" "Can I have a drink of water?" "Can I watch tv with you?" are all questions that are things I would no dream of saying no too and don't.

Then it goes the other way. The big stuff, checking in if they are running late, asking if they can go to a place, etc. Those bigger things I do care about they are more likely to skip.

I'm sure it is all very confusing to them. They were born into chaos and lived ther for some time. Now they can't figure out what is supposed to make sense.
Understanding how our kids think can help us in with dealing with them. Reviewing what they don't have to ask about, or reviewing what they do have to ask about may help. But nothing works as well as healing from the trauma. It is tough work but so worthwhile.

The other day our oldest daughter called home and apprently got Teddy on the phone. She asked if she could leave a message and his answer was "No I won't remember it." Did he think of writing it down and putting it where I could see it? No. What he did seemed perfectly resonable to him. He thought it was the right thing.

Remember those chaotic early years and remember that a child who has been through great trauma may still have some pretty chaotic thinking. That front part of the brain where logic develops just didn't get the work that the fight, flight and freeze center did. As hard as it is to parent them, it is harder to be them.

Personalized Parenting

2010-09-24T18:36:00.000-05:00

I have 5 kids. 5 personalities. 5 precious souls. Over the years one line I became very tired of was "Does your child have any social activities?" Yes. My 3 emotionally healthy children had what I felt was a healthy balance of activities including church activities, soccer, dance, swim team, swim lessons depending on the person and the age. We tried every activity known to mankind for my two with RAD. They were kicked off, got in fights, bullied other kids, broke things....it was horrible. I finally thought. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Just because other people think my kids need to be in these things does that mean it is what they need right now? It really gave them many many opportunities to fail. To alienate other kids and adults. It was truly horrible.

But they have come so far. Taz is actually taking Mixed Martial Arts. Yes. You heard me. It is perfect for him at this time in his life. I watched for the last 5 minutes. I only worried a tiny bit when I dropped him off about whether he was holding it together in class. He fit in perfectly. It gives him the rough physical activity he craves. He gets to learn to be aggressive in a good way. Would I EVER have a kid with RAD try this? NOOOO!!!!! Eight years ago he would have seen it as a chance to kick the you know what out of every kid in the class + the teacher. Is Teddy in this class. Uh Uh. No. He is still too angry. He has his art anyway. His art is still showing a lot of deep anguish. Good self expression. A little scary to look at. Plus we are working with Vocational Rehabilitation on job skills. Good organization!

My point today is...trust yourself...if social activities are too hard for you child then wait until they do some healing. Don't cave in to what others tell you. Trust your gut mama.

RAD assumptions

2010-09-19T22:55:00.000-05:00

I did it again. Today I was hanging light in our house. I could not find a couple of parts. I was quite sure one of my RADlings had something to do with their disappearance. They are collectors of all things and build a lot of whatsamajiggers with the parts they take. I asked Taz if he had seen them. He said no.. I was about ready to go find Bear when I saw the parts.....on the spoon rest where I had put them so they wouldn't get lost.

It is so easy to read into their words anger, their actions deviousness and assume missing/broken/damaged items are becuase of them. I tell myself time and time again I will give them benfit of the doubt and then I do it again.

They have enough stuff going on without me giving them extra.

And so tomorrow is a new day. I choose to assume the best!

Is RAD bologna?

2010-09-17T08:32:00.000-05:00

"I am so sick of the "RAD" baloney going on. RAD is a very serious illness that is also very, very, very rare. I am sure you are intelligent adults so why are you falling for the stupidity that these "attachment therapists" are selling? It is all about making money for these guys. It is Americas new legal child abuse. Kids are dying for gods sake. If you want to know more about the TRUTH visit ---------.org'

This comment was left on my blog. My first gut reaction was to hit "delete", but then I stopped. If my purpose to to provide support, educate and find other moms who have kids with RAD this statement can help a lot of us. All I ask is that you look for the feelings under the statement. This is a person who has been hurt and could use both education and support. Whether they accept it or not is up to them but we all sure know how to give it.

First, I want to apologize for my absence. Between my internship, moving, and some acting out on the part of a couple of boys, plus a wedding and a daughter leaving for college, I seem to have swung behind and am just now feeling like I am catching up. We sold our old house yesterday which was quite a load off. Now I feel like we can really work toward settling in and nesting here.

Back to the above statement. Those of us who are mom's so wish RAD was bologna. In the DSM-IV the guidelines for a child developing RAD are pretty specific. When a child has been abused, neglected and abandoned, it is of course going to change the way they can trust or feel safe. These are called attachment issues. When it interferes to the point of the child trusting no one, spending all the time on guard and living their lives in fear, as though in a war zone; they have RAD. It makes complete sense. I only have 4 weeks left in internship and then begin the process of becoming licensed. I will be working with an attachment therapist, doe her agency, but will work in the town in which I live. I will be the only attachment therapist in my town, that I know of. Am I going into it for the money? No. I am going into it because I am passionate about helping these kids. They are the future of our nation. They need help now. As far as attachment therapy being abusive: It has changed so much in the last 3-5 years. It is very child centered, empathetic, educational, mindful... I could go on and on. It is a loving form of therapy and I'm proud to be a part of it!. I'm not sure I addressed all the above individual said. She/he did leave a website but I want to check it out pretty carefully before I post it as to make sure it is safe and appropriate. It sounded legit, but you know how it is.

Anyway, it feels good to be back. I will be talking with my new supervisor soon about the direction of my blog. My current thought is that it will be still written from the perspective of a mom of kids with RAD but I may throw in some educational pieces as I come across them. I'm hoping as I finish my internship that I'll have more time for awhile while my practice is in its infancy.

I hope and pray you are all doing well! I'll be "visiting" you all this evening on your blogs to catch up. Off to my internship!

RAD and social issues

2010-07-25T12:17:00.000-05:00

Our boys have such social issues. This problem stems from several sources. Infants and toddlers need a ton of face to face time with mom. This is where they develop the ability to read faces. As preschoolers having mom explain what they see and play with them down on the floor gives them more practice. Our kids didn't get this. Then their is trauma. Trauma has a dramatic effect on the brain. The brain flies into fight, flight or freeze mode. There is then a loss of the ability to learn how to be the current age. They are focused on just existing and getting through the trauma. Dr. Bruce Perry explains it something like this. This is a paraphrase as I am remembering from a conference a few years ago.

Imagine you are in a car that gets stuck on railroad tracks. You see a train bearing down on you. You stair in terror as it gets closer knowing that the end is near. Your heart beats fast. You break into a sweat. Someone hands you a book and says "Here read this".

Not going to happen. This is how our kids with RAD live much, if not all the time. Many of them have a faster pulse. They have an over developed flight, fright and freeze brain and an underdeveoloped logic/emotion regulation brain.

It shows up like this: Fish had 3 friends ove last night. Teddy barely knows them. Right before they game Teddy started planning what they were going to do. Fish explained this was his gig and that Teddy wasn't going to plan it. He tends to dominate all social situations in a "Please notice I'm here" kind of way. He also can't stand for us to focus on other people as I think it stirs up that abandonment feeling "They don't even know I'm here". It is tough.That is for sure.

You can practice social skills. It is much like banging your head on the wall as long as the RAD is strong. It is too fear driven.

Focus on building the attachment and try to cover for your healthy kids when you can. If it had gone out of hand last night I would have taken Teddy out for some ice cream or something just to give Fish a chance for some normalcy with friends in our home.
I'm rambling. Have a healing day.

RADical wedding

2010-07-24T17:52:00.000-05:00

Our oldest is getting married next month. We moved at the end of May. I started a new job June 1. My husband started July 1. No stress here. And of course, RAD does not take a vacation. We had company from our old town the other day. Teddy announced to her that "we boys pretty much take care of ourselves now. We cook all our own meals, do our own laundry (that part is true) and pretty much take care of ourselves." Interesting. I don't know what I am doing with my time. I thought I was cooking, cleaning, buying clothes, preparing meals, take them places....I guess I was wrong. He also has a Styrofoam cup from Sonic that he now uses all the time instead of ours. When our company was here I had him use a regular glass at the table. He was not happy. Don't tell him but his Styrofoam cup just sprung a small leak. I don't know what happened...maybe.

He is refusing to wear clothes that I buy. I bought him a new shirt for church as he wears the same long sleeved shirt every single Sunday even though it is summer. He insists on jeans and lined wind pants most of the time. I do know that this is due to a sensory processing disorder. They like things that are heavy. I bought him a new swim suit but it is "too short and too big". Surprise! Fine. Give it to one of the other boys. Good thing we have 3.

We have our oldest daughter's wedding coming up. I am sure it will be very tough for him. Because it is not about him. He will feel abandoned and ignored. I will point out that he may have these feelings ahead of time, which will make him mad. That's OK. He still needs to know it is coming. If it is too much for him he can go for a walk. It is an outdoor wedding. We will get through it. That is what we do.

RAD and food hoarding

2010-07-09T21:59:00.001-05:00

Children who suffered from severe neglect sometimes hoard food. They sometimes fear not having enough food. They sometimes just fear not having enough........There is a hole there, you know. It is sad. When my kids hoard food I know they are hurting. I fight my own battles with emotional eating and they are no where as severe, but I get it.

Now my boys are teens. They eat from sun up to sun down. Maybe during the night. This is not always emotional eating but is sometimes they are growing about an inch a minute. Well, maybe not quite that much. It is very hard to separate teen boy eating from emotional eating.

I have found the best way to handle food hoarding is to give them as much food as they want. "I know you need more food, so I made a lot. Please keep eating." I make more deserts than I used too just so I can give them something sweet and yummy from me.

I have heard of people who give their kids goodie bags to keep in their room. They do this only for the hoarder and state clearly "This is because you are afraid you will not get enough. I'll know when you are learning to trust because you won't need it any more." I have heard of successes, but have not tried it personally.

I try not to get emotional when I find empty packages in their rooms. There is already enough emotion tied into that food.

We used to have times when they would eat at the dinner table until I thought they would be sick. I'd simply say "That is all for now. Now you are doing emotional eating. Listen to your body." There were times when they would refuse to eat. "Fine. Let me know when you are hungry."

No emotion tied to food. Tough one.

Notice I say used too because the teen years changed everything. I can no longer tell. Maybe all teen boys have RAD : ) (humor arh arh)

Have a healing weekend

2010-07-07T07:55:00.000-05:00

"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Ephesians 3:16-19

Dancer sent me a t shirt for my birthday with the above graphic on it. It had the verse above on the back. She said it looked like me.

I admit there are many days when it does not, but how sweet of her to say so and give me this cute shirt as a reminder of what I want.

A tree's root that go deep can with stand the storms and continue to grow. A tree with shallow roots can easily be blown over.

I know. RAD is like a huge storm lasting many years. What tree can take that?

A tree with shelter.

Have a healing day.

The Lord’s our Rock, in Him we hide,

A Shelter in the time of storm;

Secure whatever ill betide,

A Shelter in the time of storm.

Refrain

Oh, Jesus is a Rock in a weary land,

A weary land, a weary land;

Oh, Jesus is a Rock in a weary land,

A Shelter in the time of storm.

A shade by day, defense by night,

A Shelter in the time of storm;

No fears alarm, no foes afright,

A Shelter in the time of storm.

Refrain

The raging storms may round us beat,

A Shelter in the time of storm

We’ll never leave our safe retreat,

A Shelter in the time of storm.

Refrain

O Rock divine, O Refuge dear,

A Shelter in the time of storm;

Be Thou our Helper ever near,

A Shelter in the time of storm.

Refrain

What will you do?

2010-07-06T07:51:00.000-05:00

What will you do this week to care for the caregiver? YOU! If you knew someone who was taking care of a cancer patient or of an ailing parent; you would say "Make sure you take care of yourself". You'd be concerned about them over doing it and cracking under the stress and strain if they had to do this over a period of years. RAD is no different! It is a serious disorder requires years of healing. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

So...what will you do this week to care for yourself? Your body, mind and spirit need times of refreshing. If you cannot take a couple of days, take one day. If you cannot take a day, take a few hours. If you cannot do that take a few minutes. If you do not, your body, mind or spirit will demand it. Parents of kids with RAD have been known to develop PTSD.

Have a healing day for yourself. It is a necessity, not an extravagance.

You want some more encouragement?

2010-07-02T21:43:00.001-05:00

Amazing! That is all I can say. Today is my birthday.

The ghost of birthdays past tells me that would be one of those "We hate mom days." I have to admit that I think Teddy forgot it was my birthday and didn't figure it out until it was too late for it to bother him. I woke up this morning and Taz fixed me a breakfast burrito with scrambled eggs, bacon and hashbrowns. He also made my coffee and then packed my lunch. I love that kid. I had an extra hour so I took him out for a smoothy before work and we had wonderful conversation. My other kids were loving and kind as well. But Taz has had a hard time with birthdays. Life is good. It can happen to you and I believe it will.

OK. I need to add a PS. The boys just walked in and Teddy immediately started in on me. Pick Pick Picking!! He left the room and Taz came over and said "Can I have a hug?" I asked if he was ok and he said "Actually I was wondering if you were ok and needed a hug". This healing stuff just keeps getting better and better.

RADtastic lunch

2010-06-29T08:39:00.000-05:00

Yesterday before work I asked Taz to fix my lunch because I was running out of time. This morning I came out from getting ready and he said "Mom I fixed your lunch. It is on the counter." Then he took off on his bike. I tooka peek inside to see what I had and found a note "Mom, I love you. I hope you have a good day."

NEVER NEVER NEVER QUIT! Healing from RAD is possible. It doesn't just happen from good parenting. It happens through education, training and then implementing those things into your child's life. These are kids who suffered sever trauma. Prayer changes things. God will guide you into finding the right thing for your child and He will guide you in changes you need to make to stay healthy yourself.

Have a healing day!

Preparing for Adulthood with RAD

2010-06-28T21:45:00.000-05:00

Teddy turned 18 yesterday. He had counesling today and then we met with the new doctor who will manage his meds. He is an APRN which is a nurse with a license to prescribe psychotopic meds. He took well over an hour for the first visit. It was impressive. I explained to him when Teddy was out of the room that I felt we have to really focus on preparing him to live as an adult with RAD rather than focusing on attachment. The APRN and his current thrapist are really focusing on his anger. I realize (as do they) that his anger stems from RAD, but at this point he needs to learn to manager his anger and find other ways of expressing it. We quit working hard on attachment when we stopped attachment therapy 2 1/2 years ago. At that point Teddy said frankly that he knew what he needed to do but that it was too hard. We decided to try to just not push it but be here ready should he become ready. That day did not come. I have reconciled myself to the fact that this is who he is for now. Does this mean I quit? No. This means I trust and have faith that God is working in his heart and will bring people and events into his life that will be what he needs. Gives fresh meaning to Let Go and Let God. Never, never quit. We haven't but have to do it in a different way now. We are good.

Singin' the birthday blues

2010-06-27T19:45:00.000-05:00

Fish and Teddy turned 18 today. In Nebraska the age of majority is 19. I find that to be odd but it is what it is. The last couple of years Taz has handled it pretty well. This year I found that he cut the ribbing on the couch with a knife in 4 places. Argh. I had him leave on his bike for awhile while I thought things through. At this point he was denying it was him. We had company from out of town coming in 2 hours. I ran to Wallie World and got fabric glue and some thread the color of our couch (out dated teal). I put glue into the cuts and then sewed them shut. You cannot see it. I had been thinking about getting a new couch as soon as we sell our other house but there is no way now. No way. Taz is going to be a sophmore. I can wait a few more years. When he got back from his bike ride he was settle down and said he was just bored so cut it. It is hard for me to comprehend doing something like that. I can imagine no situation when I'd think it was ok. He did walk over to his closet and pulled out a pocket knife he'd found on the bike trail that he used to cut it. I'm still contemplating what he needs to do to make this up to me. I told him it hurts because it feels like if he cuts my couch he is trying to hurt my feelings. Sometimes I really understand my kids with RAD. Sometimes I have no idea.

I know all the theories. They have bene treated as disposable so they view everything as disposable. They are hurting so others should hurt. Could be anything.

Trauma and Attachment in Children

2010-06-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

KIIIIIIIIAAAAA! Take that RAD

2010-06-21T22:34:00.000-05:00

I just took the boys to see Karate Kid. Might be a little intense for younger kids. I heard a young one a few rows back who was a little stressed. But it does carry a message about facing your fears.....Hmmmmm..

In the car on the way home.

Me: "I think the movie had a neat message about facing your fears."

Teddy: "I used to tell myself the only thing I have to fear is fear itself and I conquered that so now I don't have any fears"

Me: " You seem to be acting out since we left because there was so much family closeness."

Teddy: A bunch of acting out stuff.

I repeat. The only things harder than parenting them is being them.

Father's Day/Trust

2010-06-20T17:20:00.000-05:00

This morning when my husband walked into the kitchen I hear all three boys sing out a chorus of "Happy Father's Day Dad!" It was hard not to be a little jealous as I thought of all the Mother's Days where it was mumbled some where along the line or not said at all. Then I realized that is because Motherhood is so important to us. It goes to the core of our being. It is a place of honor that some mothers never understand.

Later I took Taz to Culver's for some ice cream. As we sat there he said "I was watching the Italian job and there was a quote I found inspirational." Taz actually is quite the intellectual when he isn't all ADHD'd out on me. The quote was shocking to me "I trust everyone. It's the devil inside them I don't trust" Oh my word what a summary of RAD. Such contradiction. I was sad to here Taz still felt this way and I told him I did not really agree with the quote. He was surprised. I told him there are many people I do trust who I feel always have my best interest at heart. I told him that Dad and I hoped he would feel that way about us. Of course he said "I do." Uh yeah.

Attachment is a progression over time. Taz has come along way. And Teddy, even though he seems very unattached now, I still believe has a small amount of attachment toward us. Life is hard for them. We are blessed to walk the journey with them even though it is at times a rough and rocky road.

Have a healing weekend.

And Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there. We appreciate all you do for our families. You mean the world to us!

RADicky

2010-06-18T21:44:00.000-05:00

I do mean ICKY. Bear will be 18 in another week. In Nebraska legal age is 19 so we have one more year. He is on a waiting list for a lower level of RTC that is self pay. They receive a lot of funding so don't actually ask for much. I don't feel comfortable giving the name because of safety reasons. Right Way is continuing to help us connect. This week a mentor called me. Not because I need advice on RAD so much as I need someone from this area who is familiar with RAD. Our first conversation went very well and she is going to get a list of respite providers in the area for me. Thanks to those who have asked and shared your love and concern. Moving to a new area after living some place for 17 years has been tough on all of us but I do love ts town and our new home. We have visited a church and are getting to know neighbors. Quite an adjustment! While I do get frustrated with Bear for his defiance and "I'm a man" speeches I feel sad for him knowing how hard it is going to be for him when he leaves. While he is not attached he is most definitely afraid of abandonment. I have begun my new internship and am learning the ropes. There is a lot to learn but it will be interesting work. I hope to get back into the swing of regular blogging again as I just finished two weeks of training at 40 hrs per week. I'll be cutting back to 30 hours a week which will be much more doable.

We keep going.We do not quit. I hope you are doing the same.

Attachment Formation and Issues

2010-06-17T22:35:00.000-05:00

RAD Beat

2010-06-07T21:27:00.000-05:00

It goes on and on my friend. We continue to work with Right Way. They are great at finding resources for our family that fit with our need and what it is going on with us at the time. They have resources that may pay for summer camp Teddy or our other kids. They also help with respite. I found them while goodling residential treatment facilities in Nebraska. Keep digging you never know what you might find in your area.

RAD RAD RAD

2010-06-01T20:19:00.000-05:00

RAD is just beating my patootie these days. Taz has had his moments since the move but then quickly pulls it back together. Teddy on the other hand is holding on by a thread. It is more serious since he is almost 18 and is 5'10". I am working on lining up services in the area. Right Way has been a help. Everyone I talk to recommends the same therapist so we have an appointment with him next Thursday at 3. Teddy wavers back and forth in between admitting he needs it and saying he is not going. We will see. He had 4 stitches in his elbow over the weekend from going after Fish and tackling him to the ground. On top of my pile of decorative things to be put up, of course.

He did admit he is angry about the move. That is progress as it is the first time since we moved onMay 21 that he has talked about it. It is a place to start.

Never, never, never quit. He is almost grown up but I will not lose hope. Some tell me I am not realistic. Maybe not. I will not quit.

Residential Treatment Facilities

2010-05-27T19:01:00.000-05:00

We are still on our search for residential treatment for Teddy since his last threatening behavior. We believe it was serious enough that we cannot feel safe with him here and we don't think the other kids feel safe either.

We are on a waiting list for one place. Right Turn is helping me find resources in our new area. We have been here 1 week. I had no idea how much running around I'd have to do this week to get all the kids, hubby and I registered at all our different "stuff". UGH. Anyway, Right Turn has a call into Magellan for me. they are going to call my cell and discuss what is going on and what needs to happen to have them pay. Giving up parental rights is not a choice as far as we are concerned. I know at times that is what Nebraska has parents do. I think it is wrong and abusive to not only the kids but to the parents and siblings. For some families it has been the only way they could get their kids help. I will fight that to the top

His anger continues at a far higher level. At 5'10" I can no longer feel safe when he rages. Our new house set up is helpful as he has a room, bathroom and the family room all downstairs. Is that good for attachment? NO. If he were younger and we were working on that I would not do that. At this point we are focused on this one last year and trying to prepare him for adulthood. I do not know if he will be able to hold down a job as an adult. Right Way is helping us seek services that will help with that as well.

So much.

Never, never, never quit.

Letters to Juliet and RAD

2010-05-26T09:15:00.000-05:00

Seems when we have kids who have RAD almost everything reminds us of it in some way. In the movie Claire, the woman seeking her long lost speaks of "What if". She says something like "What if I had found Lorenzo years ago? What if I had not left him? But then I think What if I had not come to find him now? What if I had not found you?"

The second is a great way to look at RAD,the first is what I tend to do at times. I tend to get caught up in:

What if they never heal? What if they hurts someone? What if they become homeless? What if they commit a crime?

Instead I could think

What if they do heal? What if they learn to love? What if they can hold down a job? What if they do well?

I prefer, for today, to dwell on the second. I will continue to pray for it. I will hope for it. I will never lose faith in what God can do.

RAD and Neurofeed back so far

2010-05-24T22:09:00.000-05:00

I am starting to dig my way out of the boxes. Moving is not for the weak of heart. I'm also finding out that after not moving for 17 years, a lot harder on the ol' bod. My goal is to have it all done and cleaned up by this weekend. We will see.

Anyway, I switched to doing Neurofeed back for reasons that are a completely different post. I don't know if you remember that we are doing Neurocore which is a company that sends you the equipment and has a psychologist meet online from time to time and a technician who has guided us through the steps along the way.

We did get off to a rough start as a part wasn't working. Once we got started it has been fascinating to see. It is also interesting to see on the screen Taz's brain wave changes with the move. I hooked myself up and I'd say I could use a little neurofeedback my self. Hopefully that will pass once we have adjusted to the move.

Anyway our goal is to cut back on the medications Taz takes. We hope to improve his ability to relax, his focus and lessen his anxiety.

I'll keep you posted.

Have a healing day.

graduation

2010-05-20T15:11:00.000-05:00

Graudation Day! I'm moving tomorrow and so will be back to blogging soon. Much much to report!

RAD and moving

2010-05-17T08:00:00.000-05:00

We are in our last week here in our town. We move on Friday. The house is so empty looking. I am past the sad goodbye part and into the lets get this over with part. Soon.

Teddy is home from the hospital. They juggled his meds around a little and I see nothing but increased anger. I will continue the meds to give them time to do their work. I believe he is mad for being sent there when he did "nothing wrong". In his current frame of mind there is no talking to him. He has mental health issues aside from the RAD that are dominating him currently.

Taz is doing quite well with the move. He enjoyed driving around with Fish to all the open houses. He was really at peace while Teddy was gone.

We do have an interview on Weds at an residential group home but they currently have no beds. It would be for the next available spot. Teddy wants to go there as he no longer wants to "put up with" us.

Tired and weary but moving forward.