tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post3962438465253450560..comments2023-11-20T06:44:48.331-06:00Comments on LIVING WITH RAD: TriangulationBrendahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05811548306583601019noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-24172266833087294682011-10-19T11:02:42.284-05:002011-10-19T11:02:42.284-05:00I know this is an old post but I just found your b...I know this is an old post but I just found your blog and can't tell you how excited I am. I just have to comment! We are dealing with RAD too and most days I wonder what's wrong with me...it must be me since everyone else thinks he is the most wonderful thing in the world. It's just an amazing feeling to know that we are not alone...and maybe I'm not completely horrible for struggling with this child. Thank you so, so much!Lauren and Clinthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05538710915208484052noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-60195181767669407582010-01-08T18:01:48.155-06:002010-01-08T18:01:48.155-06:00Anonymous, the fact that your anonymous causes me ...Anonymous, the fact that your anonymous causes me to question what reason you have to leave such a question. Secondly, do you live with a child who exibits the symptoms of RAD or has a severe trauma history? When you live with it, then you know it exists. Until you do, try not to pass judgement on those who open their homes to children who want to kill them. Try to support them instead. They need it more than you can imagine. They are children, yes, but they are severely disturbed and being treated as though they are not only makes things worse.Ursula Schneiderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18440924294092449222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-81008947540421828172010-01-08T16:36:01.928-06:002010-01-08T16:36:01.928-06:00Holy cats! I'd vomit too if my parents were si...Holy cats! I'd vomit too if my parents were sitting on the bed next to me, rubbing my arms and legs, and cooing about how much they loooove each other and they're a team and they loooove me.<br />Does any of the RAD party line stuff, the baby bottles for big kids, the hand feeding of candy, the rubbing of feet, seem a little... creepy to anyone besides me?<br />In a few years all this katherine leslie nonsense will be exposed as the bull hockey it is but in the meantime clueless parents will fork over big bucks to be told what to do for their "RADish."<br />That's another term I find degrading and annoying. You're not farmers raising a crop you're parents raising kids. They're KIDS, people! Not RADishes. There is no such thing as RAD. It's a made up "diagnosis" to sell products and services.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-5306895785361919312010-01-08T10:56:49.591-06:002010-01-08T10:56:49.591-06:00Glory to God, I'm not the only one! Rare is t...Glory to God, I'm not the only one! Rare is the person I've been able to convince that my daughter is difficult. She is the picture of helpfulness (control) and smiles (if I look adorable I can get you under my thumb) and self-sacrifice(see what a martyr I am and how unappreciative my mother is). I, on the other hand, appear to be hostile and angry. Funny, when I first read about RAD, I didn't understand that one of the symptoms was a hostile and angry mother. Now I understand completely. Working on that and God is gracious.Ursula Schneiderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18440924294092449222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-10823214317002983192010-01-06T07:35:04.939-06:002010-01-06T07:35:04.939-06:00Jennie,
Thanks. There are several places that hav...Jennie,<br /><br />Thanks. There are several places that have letters for teachers. I will post those. I have been looking for information on Triangulation in general. It isn't as easy to find as I thought.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05811548306583601019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-74428538404776136592010-01-05T22:07:29.737-06:002010-01-05T22:07:29.737-06:00there's a really great printable letter on Nan...there's a really great printable letter on Nancy Thomas' website for teachers.Integrity Singerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09196095126605205738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-53476171685150641192010-01-04T14:40:16.947-06:002010-01-04T14:40:16.947-06:00Lovingmygirlsalways~ Print off some information on...Lovingmygirlsalways~ Print off some information on RAD. There is quite a bit on triangulation. I will look up some sites later tonight and post them tomorrow. With the relatives make sure they see how much you love your child and not just the strict side. Also make sure you are parenting with loving eyes, soft voice and gentle touch in front of your parents as well as at home. If your parents still say you are mean then give them a little challenge. Ask them to say "We love your mom so much and we think she is a great mom for you. We trust he judgement and would like for you to do just as she says. We will not take sides against her." just one time and see what kind of a reaction they will get.<br /><br />LemonyRenee~Thanks so much for the encouragement!<br /><br />LittleWonder~The important thing to remember is that they are manipulating out of fear. It is really is a gut reaction to them. I usually just say "I'm so glad he feels comfortable with you." and let it go. (once you have tried to educate them about RAD)<br /><br />PeggySue-I personally hate the card system. I think it punishes kids who do not get or care about consequences and does not help.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05811548306583601019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-37828704959144673302010-01-04T14:14:44.235-06:002010-01-04T14:14:44.235-06:00LemonyRenee, I want to cheer for your husband! And...LemonyRenee, I want to cheer for your husband! And mine has been on board from the beginning too, although as you say, it was blind faith first. <br /><br />It is interesting to note that the 'cold, dark-eyed glittery stare' we get when we cross our daughter's will sounds like it is universal. Her kindergarten teacher, the first time she crossed her and was treated with the same look, was on board with me from that moment on. First grade, never. Second grade . . . I think the light is slowly dawning for the teacher. But yes, the so sweet, so cute, so helpful, (she's manipulating you and you can't see it!!!) still goes on. The amazing thing to me is that our school does green, yellow and red lights for behavior. If the student goes on red, the teacher is supposed to call the parents to explain what went wrong . . .my daughter's teacher never does. My daughter has gone on double red and beyond . . . and still never a phone call. The system loses its teeth when consequences are not enforced, which also emphasizes the 'mean parent' syndrome here at home where consequences are clearly laid out and followed through with consistently. <br /><br />Like Brenda says, never give up.peggysuehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00855806295083870484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-72736417500689745052010-01-04T11:14:56.372-06:002010-01-04T11:14:56.372-06:00Little Wonder -- We have the same thing at school....Little Wonder -- We have the same thing at school. She is a standout for smiling, sweetness, helpfulness, etc. She is in first grade and her teacher is more interested in being her grandmother figure than in teaching anything. However, I did get the "mean" principal" (vs. the nice principal who deals with the non-student issues) on board. She did have to shake her head in disbelief a few times and say, "It's to hard to believe. She looks just like an American Girl doll. And she always catches my eye to make sure a smile at me. Most kids aren't happy to see me coming." Exactly.LemonyRenee'https://www.blogger.com/profile/07200070770150819952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-85861777325076572792010-01-04T11:12:02.984-06:002010-01-04T11:12:02.984-06:00Perhaps I should read the comments before I commen...Perhaps I should read the comments before I comment myself. Now then . . . <br /><br />PeggySue -- My daughter used to do the same stuff with my husband. It was really a scary time for me as that was before my husband "got it" with her. I felt as if I was being pushed out of my own family. Thankfully, my husband started believing me just on blind faith. One day, when she began asking him for the umpteenth needless thing as soon as I walked out of the room, he told her that if she couldn't say something "in front of Mommy," he wasn't interested in hearing it either. The chilling look and silent treatment he received in return told him the tale for himself. <br /><br />She kept it up, though, for a while. Eventually, she did something that made my husband grab her by the shoulders and speak very clearly, very close to her face and say, "You keep trying to make me choose you over Mommy. I'm never going to do that. If you make me choose, I choose Mommy. We are a team and we will never be separated. By anyone." I wanted to fall on the floor crying in relief and joy! Things changed from the day on. "Daddy" is on the same level as Mommy now. . . sorry for daddy, but much better for the marriage and family.<br /><br />My daughter can make herself throw up. I can't count how many family functions and reunions and important-to-me events we left believing she was sick, only to have her feeling just fine by the time we got home. No more of that. <br /><br />But, tell me this, my daughter is extremely fair-skinned and pale. When she is in a "mood," she can have such dark circles under her eyes, you'd swear she hasn't eaten, slept, or seen the light of day in weeks. No idea how she does that! It is alarming to see, though.<br /><br />lovingmygirlsalways -- I have the same problem. No idea how it will get fixed. Actually, I doubt that it will. My brother (who is a behavioral therapist for OCD types) gets it and is convinced he can make my parents understand. I fear he will bring fire upon himself. We'll see.<br /><br />Ahh, good times.LemonyRenee'https://www.blogger.com/profile/07200070770150819952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-78012629937628300462010-01-04T11:00:22.091-06:002010-01-04T11:00:22.091-06:00Good post! Hubby and I are a united front. We'...Good post! Hubby and I are a united front. We've got family on board too. School's a bit harder -- cause he's so cute, so helpful, so smart, so athletic so blah blah blah, ya whatever, he's MANIPULATING YOU!!!! lol~Dinahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07473448768301577048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-52224072798638853322010-01-04T10:57:52.867-06:002010-01-04T10:57:52.867-06:00Thanks, so much, for writing this out. It helps a...Thanks, so much, for writing this out. It helps a lot to see it in someone else's writing. My daughter is an expert triangulator. She spent one night at my parents' house when she was 3 and my parents believe I am cruel to her to this day. She also has most of the teachers she's ever had against me. Now that I have found a fantastic therapist, I know how to handle these situations better and feel more secure in myself anyway. It's painful stuff, though, especially when you need support, trust, and understanding more than you ever have in your life. <br /><br />Your blog is already a Godsend to me. <br /><br />Thanks!LemonyRenee'https://www.blogger.com/profile/07200070770150819952noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-7853493356878567762010-01-04T09:16:31.064-06:002010-01-04T09:16:31.064-06:00Thank you for the great ideas with the triangulato...Thank you for the great ideas with the triangulaton. We have this problem a lot with my daughter, grandparents and me. My husband and I are much more able to see through it. I need to some how get my parents to see it though. Any suggestions?Carissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09275808613945222344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-75141878974033650712010-01-04T08:46:29.186-06:002010-01-04T08:46:29.186-06:00Invisible Woman,
I feel your pain. Our high today...Invisible Woman,<br /><br />I feel your pain. Our high today is 9. I can hardly bare to go out. By concentrating on your 4 walls I don't mean to stay in them. We went and saw Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel last night. Silly but fun. We went to the Y and worked out together. We do things together as a family, which to me, the 4 walls follow us I guess as long as we are not worried about those around us. <br /><br />I do remember once in therapy when my husband and I were sitting there. The therapist had Taz sit in a chair next to him that day and said "Who did you bring with you today?" Taz said "My dad." Therapist "Anyone else?" Taz"No just my dad." So I do get the feeling. That hasn't happened to much though.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05811548306583601019noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3134242791095743131.post-78074697910426735902010-01-04T08:28:29.022-06:002010-01-04T08:28:29.022-06:00Glad to see you address this issue. It is so open ...Glad to see you address this issue. It is so open in our family sometimes it is almost comical, I should be thankful for a child who lays it out there, even though not everyone 'gets' it. But I have a husband who does. <br /><br />I cannot tell you the number of times we've had to go somewhere in a car, sometimes were away for a long weekend and my daughter would ONLY address comments to my husband. We have a joke now about my 'super powers.' I am invisible woman. <br /><br />We have never had our daughter throw up, that is an extreme reaction but one that very graphically demonstrates the panic inside of these children. Ours has morphed more into a control issue, and we are very talented at pulling out the pouty face. <br /><br />I was having some difficulty with the teacher early on, and still don't always get notified when my daughter has acted out at school, but as you advised me early on in September, leave school to the teacher. I met with the principal before school began and gave them materials explaining RAD and how to respond, so I did my part. Be careful about that 'concentrating on what's going on inside our own four walls though.' Remember some of your audience has had a week of balmy 5 degree temperatures and winter is giving us cabin fever! :)peggysuehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00855806295083870484noreply@blogger.com