Ju-Jitsu Parenting

ju·jit·su also ju·jut·su or jiu·jit·su or jiu·jut·su (j-jts)n.
An art of weaponless self-defense developed in Japan that uses throws, holds, and blows and derives added power from the attacker's own weight and strength.

I hesitated to use this phrase because I never want to think of parenting as a fight or combat. So please take that picture out of your head. Instead I want to focus on rolling with it. That is what Ju-Jitsu does. Our youngest is taking Mixed Martial Arts. It uses kick boxing, jujitsu and wrestling. I think.  Anyway, Ju-Jitsu rolls with the other person force or momentum to gain advantage.

There are times when our children's fears are so strong that they will not let go of certain behaviors.  Here is an example.  Every night Teddy walks into the kitchen while I am fixing dinner. He seems to pick that moment when 2 things are done at once, the phone is ringing and the dog wants out. At that moment he says "What's for dinner?" I know. I know. This sounds so petty. You have to realize this child RARELY speaks to me. But he picks this moment every evening to ask me this same question.He is 18 years old, so can pretty clearly see what is being prepared. For a long time I just answered.  This seems to be not only reinforcing the question, timing and persistence, but then he stands there and stares at me. I can get exasperated. It is easy to read WAY to much into his actions. Why is he picking that moment when it gets most hectic to come in and ask? Probably because that is when I'm making the most noise, dinner is almost done so smells good (hopefully) and he's hungry. He doesn't take hunger well and it brings up fear for him. He still says "I'm hungry" in a the voice of a very young child with a look on his face that says "Why are you doing this to me?"

So I need to start rolling with it. Teddy, would you like to come in and stir the ---? I need to start getting him involved. We need to focus on building relationships with our children and NOT focus on being irritated or annoyed.

So look for what irritations repeat themselves with your child and ask "How can I roll with it?" Use it to bring you closer and to build.

I know this sounds like RAD parenting 101, but some of us are slow learners. Be patient with me.

Have a healing weekend.

Gungor "Beautiful Things" Acoustic Performance

All this pain


I wonder if I’ll even find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all



You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us



All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You



You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us



You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

He Is the Reason for my Season

Nobody tells it better than Linus. I need to focus on our family and The Reason for the next couple of weeks so this will be here until after Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Charlie Brown Christmas

A Christmas Worth Remembering

free digital photos

It happens to everyone. Christmas decorations to put up, cards to mail, gifts to purchase and wrap. Then there are the gift exchanges, cookies exchanges PLUS the kids school, church programs, PLUS the regular sports activities, lessons, etc. I'm tired just typing that out. Throw in a traumatized child and you have the recipe for disaster.

As my kids are healing holidays are no longer a problem. This was definitely not true when they were younger. We simplified, simplified, simplified. I did not play Christmas music. We did not talk about Christmas. We kept the running to a minimum and did not put out presents until the night of our gift opening. Christmas (and pretty much all holidays but maybe Columbus Day)  set off triggers for our boys behavior big time. School was a night mare right before Christmas so there were often calls from the principal about behavior.  All kids are excited and on edge right before Christmas. My boys would feed off that energy and take it about two levels higher.  It is what trauma does to a child's brain. All strong emotion was sent right to the fight/flight/freeze are where panic would set in.

I do really have a point here. This year we are focusing on having a Christmas worth remembering. We are staying in budget. We sent out a Thanksgiving letter instead a Christmas letter, which may do from here on out! We do stockings at our house and I think those are so much fun. I love finding little personal things to stick in them.. This year, at the challenge of our pastor, we are giving one gift worth remembering...Do you remember your gifts from last year?  I am putting one thing in each persons stocking that is an activity to do with me. I bought a paper back book for our oldest daughter who is married and away from home. I bought the same book for me. We will read it together even though apart and talk about it.  Taz loves to bake. I found a small cookbook called 101 Things to do with a Cake Mix and I will ask him if at least part of the time, he will ask me to bake with him.  I bought Teddy an origami set and will ask him the same, to ask me to make some of them with him.  I am getting a craft kit for Dancer and am still contemplating for Fish and Hubby. I will know when I see the right thing.

Is this a Christmas worth remembering for you? I hope so.

The Gospel According to Scrooge

Last night we went and saw The Gospel According to Scrooge at a local church. Over 200 people were involved in the production of this play which is a variation of The Christmas Carol.  In the beginning the pastor said to look for someone with whom you could identify in the play and see what feelings you have.

One scene depicted young Scrooge as a boy in an orphanage. This is one of the places where it varied from the movie. Scrooge talks about feeling alone and forgotten, like no one cares. The young girl talks to him about God.

At the end of the play I asked "Did you boys find anyone with whom you identified in the play?" There answers are classic. I could tell the play was getting through to Taz because he started squirming and fidgeting like you wouldn't believe. His response to my question was "No, not really." I would have bet you a million dollars (if I gambled) that this would be his response.  It does not mean he did not identify with anyone but that he did not want to talk about it.

Teddy's response was also classic. "Who do you think I would identify with?" I already knew he was wanting me to say Scrooge. I just said "Well Teddy, I can not tell who you would identify with, I can only tell who I would identify with." He said "Well, not really anyone."

The point here is that when something meaningful happens and they shrug it off don't assume it was a waste of time. It is all getting through. They are absorbing every bit. It will be worth it all.

Have a healing day.

The power of music

Over the years music has had a powerful effect on both me and my children who were traumatized.  That is why I occasionally post love songs. Play them during a quiet time in your household. You may not need to say a word, other than maybe "I love this song."  The song Anyway, first began with Taz saying every time "I hate that song".  After a few months of playing it almost every morning, he started singing along and would say "I like that song". I played the one below it ,"Satisfied" yesterday and said "I love this song, isn't it neat?" and Taz who was sitting less than 3 feet away said "I didn't hear it." I just smiled. I'll be playing it more often.

Christine has such a song on her blog today too. Travel on over to that one. Play a few songs a week. Don't shove it down their throats or talk about the meaning. Just keep playing it.

Have a healing worship filled Sunday!

Martina McBride - Anyway

Attunement vs Enmeshment

Therapists, books, websites all say we are to be "attuned" to our child. Not many speak of enmeshment. Enmeshment is a trap many parents, especially moms, fall into.  Here is the difference.

Attunement: Is essential in attachment with your child. It simply means being in touche, in sync, with your child's emotions, mood, and feelings. It is looking them in the eye and truly knowing and feeling their pain or fear.  It is walking a mile in their shoes so to speak and letting them know that you know.

Enmeshment: is when you not only get in touch with their emotions, mood, and feelings, but take them on as your own;  when you feel you are responsible for those emotions, moods and feelings. It is when you become so entangled with your child you do not know where he or she ends and you begin.

It is easy to attempt the first, attunement, and get caught up in the second, enmeshment, especially if you are a person who is strong in the feeling/emotion way of looking at life.

I speak from experience.

It is so important we are attuned to our child. We need to be able to step into their world and walk around in it. It helps us to understand them. But we must be able to then step back out and help them in understanding their world while living in our own.

This requires boundaries. If you believe you are having some problems with this here are some things that helped me.

Take time with your husband and don't talk about the kids. (can you do that?)
Hang out with friends and don't talk about the kids.
Hang out with your other kids and don't talk about your hurt child.

Have fun!! Can you do that? If not, it might be time to look at yourself and see if you have become overly involved in your child's pain.  It is a fine line. If you can't sort it out yourself, seek out help from a professional or a parent who is experienced with RAD. We are here to help each other.

Have a healing FUN weekend.

Jewel - Satisfied

A Couple of Fun Activities to do WITH your Child

Photo by Free Digital Photo

Fun times together are important to your child feeling safe and being able to attach. If you have a child who sabotages those times it can be tough.  Keep the activities short and stop BEFORE they act out, if that is possible. When you are done tell them if they are feeling upset about having some together time to go ahead and have a fit (or whatever they do). Giving them permission often means they won't do it.

These are just a couple of simple things that are for Christmas:

Build a Snowman (for the younger ones, but I have to admit I kind of liked it too)

Build a Snowflake I've actually had this one on my computer for years and I do it year round.

If you have other computer activities you think families could enjoy please share. The important thing is to do them together.

Have a healing day!

Love the Mama

It is beginning to feel like a long time ago when we were in Attachment Therapy. The kids were raging due to the fear of growing closer. Some of their behaviors included:

Spitting all over the flower
Wiping their nose pickin's on the walls
Ripping sheet rock off their bedroom walls
Peeing in their rooms
kicking apart bedroom furniture
screaming hateful things at me
Kicking the back of my car seat while driving so hard I would have to stop because I'd fly forward
half opening car doors while we were moving
incessant nonsense chatter
endless unrelated questions

Those are the ones that come to the top of my head. It was a tough time. That makes me smile because there are no words to describe it. "tough time" sounds like maybe dealing with one of those things. It was a nightmare. Yesterday Peggy Sue, who is a very experienced mom who knows her stuff, commented on their refusal to answer questions about homework.

So today is Love the Mama day.

First of all, are you taking care of yourself? Are you getting time away, focusing on other parts of your life (RAD cannot be the center), spending time with your spouse, and just plain old having fun? If not, it is time to start. I know it is hard. Who can you leave them with? We used foster parents in our church for respite. They are about the only ones trained to handle this kind of behavior. Plus the chances are the kids are going to do that for them anyway. They save it for you....which takes me back to taking care of the caregiver.

Here are a few other things that helped me:

Keep school a school issue. You cannot make a child "behave" at school. Let them handle it. The further you remove yourself from that situation the more calm you will feel. Don't let the school throw it in your lap. If they try meet it with "Thanks for letting me know. How do you plan on handling it?"

Homework: We set a 1 hour a night homework time as Taz got older. That is too much for early elementary. We had a small desk in the corner of the kitchen eating area. He had to take out his books and sit there one hour each night. If he said he had no homework he could sit there and read or draw but it was "Homework" time. This was while I was preparing dinner so I was right there. He liked that I was there but not so close as to bug him. I told him homework was his job. He could do it or not.I told him that many people choose to complete his grade in a year but if he decided to do it in 2 we would support the decision. It never happened.

Chores: No nagging. We ate dinner at 5:30. If I noticed wasn't doing them I'd say "Dinner is at 5:30. You may eat with us or eat later but your chores have to be done first. You can decide when you want to do them." One time we all sat down to eat. He walked in a pretended not to remember. I said "You may eat when your chores are done." He joined us before the meal was over.

A lot of this is Love & Logic stuff. I'm a believer.  It is Foster Cline's book. He also has a website with a lot of great articles.

Here is his Page of free resources.

Have a healing day. Don't keep doing the same things if they aren't working. It is hard to switch because we want to teach them. If it doesn't work. Quit doing it and try something else. There ARE things that work with traumatized kids. The acception to that would be empathy, structure, loving appropriate touch, and fun times. All kids deserve those things.

Never, never, never quit.

Looking at the World Through Your Child's Eyes

I find the below video to be powerful. If I think about putting on RAD glasses, trauma glasses, that help me to see the world through my child's eyes what messages would I see?  Perhaps:

"I'm scared to hug you."
"You are going to leave me."
"I am worthless."

I'm sure you can go on with the list. How we respond is changed by what we understand. Seek to understand your child. They need it. They deserve it. They are so scared. It helps me, if as I go through our day, and my child is angry, screaming, defiant, and unreasonable to STOP myself. Take a step back and take my own emotion out of the moment and look at the situation analytically.  What happened right before the behavior? What is lying ahead of us in the day? What happened yesterday? And start asking questions. Are you sad your sister left for college? Are you nervous about going out of town to visit grandma tomorrow? Keep asking until your child says "Maybe". Help the child calm down before you talk. Change the subject. Find an activity to do together.  Offer words of empathy during a rage. "I see you are feeling so sad today". "Go ahead and scream if it helps and then we'll use your words." Or even better yet, learn what sets them off and de-escalate before it gets into a rage. Look for physical changes, a certain look in the eye and then say "Do you need to scream?" Mine would NEVER have a rage if I gave them permission first. I'd say "Go ahead if you need to. I'm love you enough and am strong enough to let you." Total silence.

You can do this. Put on the correct glasses and then "Get it".

Get Service

Stages of Development

There are several well known theorists who developed their own views on human development.   I am going to provide links to several of the more well known theories. Chances are you will not agree with all any one theorist has to say. 

The reason I am posting these is because it is an easy way to see how your child with RAD does fit into a stage of development. Chances are it is not one that matches his or her age. Our children suffered trauma.  Trauma interferes with development in every way. If you look at some of these charts and find your child's development stage it will help you figure out where you need to go back too. It helps us better understand our children.  Understanding makes empathy with our children easier.

So here we go:

Erikson's Stages

Kolhberg's Stages of Moral Development

Piaget's Developmental Theory

Once you start understanding trauma and how it has changed your child's brain, you will be surprised at how much less you will be angry and frustrated. It really is not their fault they have been through all these horrible things. They were not in control of the situation or the adults. They were just little ones. Makes me want to go give them a hug. Even if it is a tree hug. ; )

Have a healing evening.