The value of exercise

We all know the importance of exercise for the average person. But what about for the child who has been through trauma?  It is so much more important.  They are stressed, possibly depressed and wound up tighter than a drum.

I took the boys on a hike today.  This is Teddy at the beginning of the hike. Look at his hands. This is how he walked the first half of the walk. This is how he has his hands most of the time.

About half way through the walk look at his hands.

Physical movement causes us to breath more deeply which makes us breath slower. This in turn slows down our hearts. Physical activity produces endorphins. The feel good chemical our bodies produce.  So if your kids won't get off the couch, get out there in the wide open spaces and move.

It doesn't just help them. It is good for me and improves my attitude too. Not that it needs it. But just in case :-)

What is your fear?

According to a theorist (Adler) we all have four basic fears. This makes a lot of sense to me and I can see myself clearly.  This is in normal (I may be normal) emotionally healthy individuals.

We generally have at least one if, not more of these fears. Chart form is easiest but no matter what I do my chart does not turn out so I'll cover each point as a sentence. There are four fears, common ways we over compensate and then how others usually feel.

1. Insignifance. When we fear insignificance we tend to do big or act big.  Others often feel irritated.
2. Criticism.  We need to control everybody and everything. Other often feel angry.
3. Rejection.  We need to please others, but then are angry because people do not always appreciate what we do.  Others then feel hurt because they thought it is what we wanted.
4. Hassle.  Avoid confrontation at all cost. Others than feel helpless.

Do you see yourself? I sure do.  I am definitely the last. I am telling you this because we need to think about the way our fears effect the way we parent.  How hard is it to parent a child with trauma/attachment issues if you avoid confrontation at all cost? Impossible.  When we first showed up at attachment therapy I had no idea how to deal other than be authoritarian or avoid. Neither is healthy. I HAD to learn to face confrontation in a peaceful way.  If we want our kids to face our fears, what better example than to face our own first!

Above chart by Jackie Meyer of http://www.counselingandenrichment.com/

Carrie Underwood - I'll Stand By You

Old Yeller

Yup. That's me.  This last weekend I morphed back into Old Yeller.  My husband was gone out of town with Fish. That left me at home alone with Taz and Teddy.  I was thinking "We'll make this a fun weekend!" I sat myself up.  For those of you who are not familiar with our family, Taz had sever RAD. After 8 mths of treatment with The Attachment and Trauma Center of Nebraska and EMDR with a great trauma therapist he made some remarkable steps in attachment. Now I am not saying if you met Taz (age 15) you'd say "My what a remarkable young man". He still has some issues, but they are NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING like what he had before. He is doing pretty well in school. He is taking part in an evening activity, he attends youth group and does OK. There are far beyond what he was able to do previously.  Teddy has made some steps in attachment but he has other issues that make life difficult for him and I believe, interfere with ability to feel safe.  .

First of all to explain their old feelings that came back up.  They have some strong abandonment feelings that go right to their very core. They have been with us for 12 years.  Suddenly every noise sent Taz through the rough. His startle reflex was so strong. I was putting up a new chandelier in the dining room and dropped a piece of metal. He bolted from his room and veered to the side knocking over and end table and scratching it all up. It was wayyyyyyyyyyy out of the path.  We went out to eat and to a movie and did some shopping. It was a tough weekend for all. I suppose looking back the best way to provide a safe feeling would have been to order in and rent DVDs but I thought we were beyond that.  Those feelings of fear and abandonment run deep. Time for a calm conversation with Taz since he has had some time to calm back down and get back on track.

Oh yes. Old Yeller. I did not handle the weekend's stress. I resorted back to yelling which is NOT discipline, not loving and not mature. But I did it. Time for me to make some repairs there and look at where that all came from.  I think the feelings of having hubby gone and being afraid I couldn't handle the two of them took over. Silly, I know, but that is what I did.

So what do you do when you get off track? Talk to each other about it. Apologies made, hugs all around and start again. One of the beauties of life. We get to start again!

Have a healing day!