RAD and social issues

Our boys have such social issues. This problem stems from several sources.  Infants and toddlers need a ton of face to face time with mom. This is where they develop the ability to read faces.  As preschoolers having mom explain what they see and play with them down on the floor gives them more practice.  Our kids didn't get this. Then their is trauma. Trauma has  a dramatic effect on the brain. The brain flies into fight, flight or freeze mode.  There is then a loss of the ability to learn how to be the current age. They are focused on just existing and getting through the trauma. Dr. Bruce Perry explains it something like this. This is a paraphrase as I am remembering from a conference a few years ago.

Imagine you are in a car that gets stuck on railroad tracks. You see a train bearing down on you. You stair in terror as it gets closer knowing that the end is near. Your heart beats fast. You break into a sweat. Someone hands you a book and says "Here read this".

Not going to happen. This is how our kids with RAD live much, if not all the time.  Many of them have a faster pulse.  They have an over developed flight, fright and freeze brain and an underdeveoloped logic/emotion regulation brain.

It shows up like this:  Fish had 3 friends ove last night. Teddy barely knows them.  Right before they game Teddy started planning what they were going to do. Fish explained this was his gig and that Teddy wasn't going to plan it. He tends to dominate all social situations in a "Please notice I'm here" kind of way. He also can't stand for us to focus on other people as I think it stirs up that abandonment feeling "They don't even know I'm here".  It is tough.That is for sure.

You can practice social skills. It is much like banging your head on the wall as long as the RAD is strong.  It is too fear driven.

Focus on building the attachment and try to cover for your healthy kids when you can. If it had gone out of hand last night I would have taken Teddy out for some ice cream or something just to give Fish a chance for some normalcy with friends in our home.
I'm rambling. Have a healing day.

RADical wedding

Our oldest is getting married next month. We moved at the end of May. I started a new job June 1. My husband started July 1. No stress here.  And of course, RAD does not take a vacation.  We had company from our old town the other day. Teddy announced to her that "we boys pretty much take care of ourselves now. We cook all our own meals, do our own laundry (that part is true) and pretty much take care of ourselves." Interesting. I don't know what I am doing with my time. I thought I was cooking, cleaning, buying clothes, preparing meals, take them places....I guess I was wrong. He also has a Styrofoam cup from Sonic that he now uses all the time instead of ours. When our company was here I had him use a regular glass at the table. He was not happy. Don't tell him but his Styrofoam cup just sprung a small leak. I don't know what happened...maybe.

He is refusing to wear clothes that I buy. I bought him a new shirt for church as he wears the same long sleeved shirt every single Sunday even though it is summer. He insists on jeans and lined wind pants most of the time. I do know that this is due to a sensory processing disorder. They like things that are heavy. I bought him a new swim suit but it is "too short and too big". Surprise! Fine. Give it to one of the other boys. Good thing we have 3.

We have our oldest daughter's wedding coming up. I am sure it will be very tough for him. Because it is not about him. He will feel abandoned and ignored.  I will point out that he may have these feelings ahead of time, which will make him mad. That's OK. He still needs to know it is coming. If it is too much for him he can go for a walk. It is an outdoor wedding.  We will get through it. That is what we do.

RAD and food hoarding

Children who suffered from severe neglect sometimes hoard food.  They sometimes fear not having enough food. They sometimes just fear not having enough........There is a hole there, you know. It is sad.  When my kids hoard food I know they are hurting.  I fight my own battles with emotional eating and they are no where as severe, but I get it.

Now my boys are teens. They eat from sun up to sun down. Maybe during the night. This is not always emotional eating but is sometimes they are growing about an inch a minute. Well, maybe not quite that much. It is very hard to separate teen boy eating from emotional eating.

I have found the best way to handle food hoarding is to give them as much food as they want. "I know you need more food, so I made a lot.  Please keep eating." I make more deserts than I used too just so I can give them something sweet and yummy from me. 

I have heard of people who give their kids goodie bags to keep in their room. They do this only for the hoarder and state clearly "This is because you are afraid you will not get enough. I'll know when you are learning to trust because you won't need it any more." I have heard of successes, but have not tried it personally.

I try not to get emotional when I find empty packages in their rooms. There is already enough emotion tied into that food.

We used to have times when they would eat at the dinner table until I thought they would be sick. I'd simply say "That is all for now. Now you are doing emotional eating. Listen to your body."  There were times when they would refuse to eat. "Fine. Let me know when you are hungry."

No emotion tied to food. Tough one.

Notice I say used too because the teen years changed everything. I can no longer tell.  Maybe all teen boys have RAD : ) (humor arh arh)

Have a healing weekend

"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." ~Ephesians 3:16-19

Dancer sent me a t shirt for my birthday with the above graphic on it. It had the verse above on the back. She said it looked like me. 

I admit there are many days when it does not, but how sweet of her to say so and give me this cute shirt as a reminder of what I want.

A tree's root that go deep can with stand the storms and continue to grow. A tree with shallow roots can easily be blown over.

I know. RAD is like a huge storm lasting many years. What tree can take that?    

A tree with shelter.

Have a healing day.


The Lord’s our Rock, in Him we hide,


A Shelter in the time of storm;

Secure whatever ill betide,

A Shelter in the time of storm.



Refrain



Oh, Jesus is a Rock in a weary land,

A weary land, a weary land;

Oh, Jesus is a Rock in a weary land,

A Shelter in the time of storm.



A shade by day, defense by night,

A Shelter in the time of storm;

No fears alarm, no foes afright,

A Shelter in the time of storm.



Refrain



The raging storms may round us beat,

A Shelter in the time of storm

We’ll never leave our safe retreat,

A Shelter in the time of storm.



Refrain



O Rock divine, O Refuge dear,

A Shelter in the time of storm;

Be Thou our Helper ever near,

A Shelter in the time of storm.



Refrain

What will you do?

What will you do this week to care for the caregiver? YOU! If you knew someone who was taking care of a cancer patient or of an ailing parent; you would say "Make sure you take care of yourself". You'd be concerned about them over doing it and cracking under the stress and strain if they had to do this over a period of years.  RAD is no different! It is a serious disorder requires years of healing. It is a marathon, not a sprint.

So...what will you do this week to care for yourself? Your body, mind and spirit need times of refreshing. If you cannot take a couple of days, take one day. If you cannot take a day, take a few hours. If you cannot do that take a few minutes. If you do not, your body, mind or spirit will demand it.  Parents of kids with RAD have been known to develop PTSD. 

Have a healing day for yourself. It is a necessity, not an extravagance.

You want some more encouragement?

Amazing! That is all I can say. Today is my birthday.

The ghost of birthdays past tells me that would be one of those "We hate mom days."  I have to admit that I think Teddy forgot it was my birthday and didn't figure it out until it was too late for it to bother him.  I woke up this morning and Taz fixed me a breakfast burrito with scrambled eggs, bacon and hashbrowns. He also made my coffee and then packed my lunch. I love that kid. I had an extra hour so I took him out for a smoothy before work and we had wonderful conversation.  My other kids were loving and kind as well. But Taz has had a hard time with birthdays. Life is good. It can happen to you and I believe it will.

OK. I need to add a PS. The boys just walked in and Teddy immediately started in on me. Pick Pick Picking!! He left the room and Taz came over and said "Can I have a hug?" I asked if he was ok and he said "Actually I was wondering if you were ok and needed a hug". This healing stuff just keeps getting better and better.