Residential Treatment Facilities

We are still on our search for residential treatment for Teddy since his last threatening behavior. We believe it was serious enough that we cannot feel safe with him here and we don't think the other kids feel safe either.

We are on a waiting list for one place. Right Turn is helping me find resources in our new area. We have been here 1 week. I had no idea how much running around I'd have to do this week to get all the kids, hubby and I registered at all our different "stuff". UGH. Anyway, Right Turn has a call into Magellan for me. they are going to call my cell and discuss what is going on and what needs to happen to have them pay.  Giving up parental rights is not a choice as far as we are concerned. I know at times that is what Nebraska has parents do. I think it is wrong and abusive to not only the kids but to the parents and siblings. For some families it has been the only way they could get their kids help. I will fight that to the top

His anger continues at a far higher level. At 5'10" I can no longer feel safe when he rages.  Our new house set up is helpful as he has a room, bathroom and the family room all downstairs. Is that good for attachment? NO. If he were younger and we were working on that I would not do that. At this point we are focused on this one last year and trying to prepare him for adulthood. I do not know if he will be able to hold down a job as an adult. Right Way is helping us seek services that will help with that as well.

So much.

Never, never, never quit.

Letters to Juliet and RAD

Seems when we have kids who have RAD almost everything reminds us of it in some way. In the movie Claire, the woman seeking her long lost speaks of "What if".  She says something like "What if I had found Lorenzo years ago? What if I had not left him?  But then I think What if I had not come to find him now? What if I had not found you?"

The second is a great way to look at RAD,the first is what I tend to do at times.  I tend to get caught up in:

What if they never heal? What if they hurts someone? What if they become homeless? What if they commit a crime?

Instead I could think

What if they do heal? What if they learn to love? What if they can hold down a job? What if they do well?

I prefer, for today, to dwell on the second. I will continue to pray for it. I will hope for it. I will never lose faith in what God can do.

RAD and Neurofeed back so far

I am starting to dig my way out of the boxes.  Moving  is not for the weak of heart. I'm also finding out that after not moving for 17 years, a lot harder on the ol' bod. My goal is to have it all done and cleaned up by this weekend. We will see.

Anyway, I switched to doing Neurofeed back for reasons that are a completely different post.  I don't know if you remember that we are doing Neurocore which is a company that sends you the equipment and has a psychologist meet online from time to time and a technician who has guided us through the steps along the way.

We did get off to a rough start as a part wasn't working. Once we got started it has been fascinating to see. It is also interesting to see on the screen Taz's brain wave changes with the move. I hooked myself up and I'd say I could use a little neurofeedback my self.  Hopefully that will pass once we have adjusted to the move. 

Anyway our goal is to cut back on the medications Taz takes. We hope to improve his ability to relax, his focus and lessen his anxiety.

I'll keep you posted.

Have a healing day.

graduation

Graudation Day!  I'm moving tomorrow and so will be back to blogging soon. Much much to report!

RAD and moving

We are in our last week here in our town. We move on Friday. The house is so empty looking. I am past the sad goodbye part and into the lets get this over with part. Soon.

Teddy is home from the hospital. They juggled his meds around a little and I see nothing but increased anger. I will continue the meds to give them time to do their work. I believe he is mad for being sent there when he did "nothing wrong". In his current frame of mind there is no talking to him. He has mental health issues aside from the RAD that are dominating him currently.

Taz is doing quite well with the move. He enjoyed driving around with Fish to all the open houses. He was really at peace while Teddy was gone.

We do have an interview on Weds at an residential group home but they currently have no beds. It would be for the next available spot. Teddy wants to go there as he no longer wants to "put up with" us.

Tired and weary but moving forward.

Hospitalization

I'm sorry I have been gone. We have had a tough week. Teddy has been in the hospital due to some pretty aggressive behavior and threats. He is coming home today. Meanwhile I have been looking for services. Magellan will not approve residential treatment unless the person has been admitted a few times. Or alternatives are to pay for residential ourselves or give up parental rights.  We are still working on the medicaid thing. I did find a group Right Turn. An organization in Nebraska that helps adoptive/foster families find services for their children. We will see what they can do.  We move one week tomorrow. I graduate on Sunday. No stress here.   And yet we keep on.....

The RAD daily grind

I sometimes think it is not the big things that used to wear me down: rages, spitting, school problems, destruction.  I think maybe it is the daily grind. The dealing with the behavior day after day and knowing I have to wake up to the same tomorrow. I have to wake up to it for years to come if they do not heal.

I think those thoughts  bring the feelings of being overwhelmed and exhausted even faster.  They weigh a person down.

 A few tips to stop those "What if..." or "I can't keep doing this" mind sets.

When you wake up in the morning choose to say "Thank you for another beautiful day" before you get out of bed.

Take one day at a time. Quit fretting ahead. None of us can predict the future so unless you have become psychic it is a waste of your time and energy.  If looking at today is too much then look at the morning. "What can I do between now and lunch?" If that is too much then "What can I do for the next hour?"

Think of the positive relationships in your life. What can you do for those people or relationships today?

What have you done to care for yourself? Look for respite providers. If you can find none, call social services and ask if they have any foster parents who do respite.  Do not call them and share all your troubles. Simply tell them you are looking for occasional respite. If you know foster families in your church, school, or community ask them if they will consider doing occasional respite for you.  A little time out will do your heart wonders.

Take a look at your expectations of yourself.  Are you expecting yourself to fix all your child's issues and believe his entire existence depends on you? That is a heavy weight to bear.  Do what you can to help them today and then let it go. Let go of it. Look toward other things in your life and enjoy them.  RAD cannot become your world.

When your husband gets home, go for a walk.  Breath deeply and enjoy the fresh air, flowers, trees, and the sound of the birds.

Find support.  Look for support groups, both live and on line. Join ATTACh and become a part of their listserv (Email support group), blog, read blogs. To the right I have listed all the blogs I know of on adoption/RAD related issues.  If you find a blog mom you connect with reach out and email her. Her email is probably some where on the site. You do not have to do this alone. There are many many moms out there dealing with the same stuff. There are some who have done it along time.

Believe healing is possible. Refuse to stop believing that.

Find faith.  Look for a church with similar beliefs and renew your relationship to God. Prayer changes things.

Live life on purpose. Instead of waiting for things to happen, for the other shoe to fall, become proactive and make some phone calls, do some searches and find what it is you need. Use the therapeutic parenting you know and believe it is going to work even when you see know change.

Instead of focusing on "How can I keep doing this for years to come?"" Focus on "I'm going to look for the good in my life today."

Give yourself a healing day.

Mother's Day: Shake Rattle and Roll

A day that celebrates Mothers. How odd to the traumatized child who has been abused or abandoned to celebrate these scary people.  Mother's Day used to leave me shaken. It was the day I could expect my boys with RAD to act out more than any other day of the year. It was the day I ended feeling unloved and exhausted.

Not any more.

Here is what I do. Make Mother's Day about my mother and mother in law.  It is the day I focus on being thankful for the mother I have. I talk about it with my boys and make sure they know I am thinking of her. Keep it low key. It doesn't need to be a big production.

Do something fun. If they cannot handle it, leave them with your husband and go with the kids who can.  If you do this be very careful in your delivery. It is needs to be a loving "You are acting scared today and need to stay safely home with dad. I understand this is a tough day for you and I'm not going to push you to do things you are uncomfortable with." NOT "You are not behaving so you can't go." 

Plant a bush or flower in honor of a mother who hs died. Talk about how special she was and remember the good times.

Go for an hour or so for some time alone. Go to a movie, a pedicure, or just a long walk through a pretty park.  One of my favorites is a coffee shop with a newspaper or magazine.

We do not have to have tradition Mother's Days if it is not the right fit for our family. Make it your own way that works for you.  We have traumatized kids. They cannot suddenly be untraumatized because we want things a certain way.

Have a healing day!

Complex Trauma: What it is and what it means for your family

The second session was led by Dr. Arthur Becker-Weidman who I have long admired. I interviewed him once over the phone for my blog. It was really neat to get to finally meet him in person.  His research, books, articles, and work with traumatized children at the Center 4 Family Development is amazing. He uses Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy in his work and has trained many other therapists to do the same.

His session, Complex Trauma, comes from years of studies on how trauma effects children. He defines complex trauma as the effects from early, chronic maltreatment in a care-giving relationship. It is different than Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which can occur because of trauma at any time in a persons life and from a single event. 

According to the National Adoption Center 52% of adoptable children have attachment disorder symptoms. 50-60% of the children in US foster care who have RAD also have been diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder.

I asked Dr. Becker-Weidman about the Bipolar Diagnosis and here is his reply:

"I am not sure that is an accurate statistic. The 50-60% is a number stated by Dr. Alsten, who is or was the psychiatrist at the Attachment Center at Evergreen. He has a chapter in the book Handbook of Attachment Interventions.

"While it is true that many children in foster care who meet the DSM-IV-TR criteria for Reactive Attachment Disorder have mood dysregulation problems, are aggressive, and irritable, I am not convinced that they actually have Bipolar I Disorder. I suspect what we are seeing is more the results of Complex Trauma on emotional and behavioral regulation functions and it's effects on the stress-response system. One factor that leads me to think this way is that I do see many children with both DX who are not responding to medication treatment with a mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic medication. The children I see who I believe have Bipolar I Disorder do respond to these medications quite well." Thank you Dr for clearing that up!   In other words children with RAD are often diagnosed with Bipolar because so many of the behaviors are similar.

The domains affected by complex traumas are attachment, biology, emotional regulation, dissociation, behavioral regulation, cognition and self-concept" 
In attachment this can show up as: problems with relational boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty attuning with other's emotional states, lack of empathy and lack a secure base. Each of the domains is effected just this dynamically.

Biology:  sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, analgesia, sensory-integration dysfunction, somatization, increased medical problems

Emotional regulation: Poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions, difficulty identifying and describing internal states, undeveloped reflective function, difficulty communicating needs and wishes

Dissociation: distinct alterations in states of consciousness, amnesia, depersonalization and derealization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect and functioning, impaired memory for state-based events, really a defense against overwhelming stress.

Behavioral regulation: difficulty regulating impulses, poos impulse control, self-destructive behavior, excessive risk-taking behavior, aggression, pathological self-soothing behaviors, sleep problems, disturbances of eating, substance abuse, excessive compliance, excessive defiant behavior, problems complying with rules, reenactment of trauma in behavior or play

Cognition: difficulty with regulation attention, difficulty with Executive Functions: planning, judgment initiation, use of materials, self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, difficulty with object constancy (shame="crazy lies"), difficulty planning and anticipating problems with cause-effect thinking, learning lags, difficulty with language development: gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities

Self-concept: fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, poorly developed sense of separateness, disturbed body image, low self-esteem: internal working model of self as unloved/unlovable, not valued/valuable, as "garbage", excessive shame.

I will cover his implications for treatment next time as this is a lot of info.  But you can see how invasive complex trauma has been on our children's lives.  They cannot "Behave" or "shape up". 

Remember just how serious children's illness is, and then have a healing weekend.