I find that having a child with RAD it is easy to focus on their lack of attachment. I start looking for it everywhere. I read into their every word and action. They didn't say goodbye. Lack of attachment. They made a rude remark. Lack of attachment.
I think my parenting is much more effective when I focus on attaching. Loving looks, empathy, gentle touch. Those things bring attachment. Looking for fun activities to do together. Yes. They may sabatoge the activity. I find the more simple and short the activity the more successful it is. A quick walk, a funny movie, doing a chore together. The simplest and easiest activity can be relationship building if we work to connect with them during it.
This move is going to be great for building attachment. We are working on getting our house ready to sell. The boys like doing that sort of thing and are eager to pitch in as long as the job is not a long tedious one (like scrubbing grout, which is actually a great consequence) We are going to go visit the new high school and see the new house. Do a tour of the town. We will stay in a motel the night. Fun. Yes. There will be testing, there is always the testing. It will be fun if I focus on actually having a good time together and what we are doing instead of on what is going wrong. If I focus on whichever kids choose to have a good time and ignore the other he is more likely to join in. Maybe not. Bummer for him.
Have a healing day!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Attunement by Ce Eshelman
The other day I observed a woman playing with a 5 or 6 year old girl in the park. I will refer to the woman as “mother” though I don’t know the relationship. It was obvious the mother had gone to great lengths to pack a special lunch and to bring all the pieces of her child’s miniature tea set so they could have an intimate little outdoor tea party. When it came time to set out the tiny cups and saucers, the little girl was being very specific, some might say controlling, about how she wanted the table to look. “Put that cup there and this spoon right here!” The mother was at first smiling and helping with the dish placement, though within a short time (not more than two minutes) she began to look around aimlessly, and then fixed her gaze into a blank stare at something imaginary on the pond. I watched the little girl look up at her mother, say something, wave a cup slightly in her direction, and then she idly wondered off to the swing set all by herself. The little girl kept looking over at her mother on the bench, but her mother hadn’t noticed that her daughter had left the tea party. That is until the little girl slipped from the swing onto the ground and screamed as her knee hit the sand. You can imagine what happened next. The mother gasped in horror and ran frantically to assist her not so terribly wounded child.
Now I don’t know this pair and I have no idea what was really going on, but my imagination wandered, as it often does, to the concepts of attunement and resonance. Resonance is about aligning ourselves to the primary emotion of another. In that moment of alignment each person has a “felt sense” of the other. This is sometimes referred to as a connection or as emotional intimacy. Opportunities for these “felt sense” moments happen all the time with our children, though they can slip by us because of our own frustration, fatigue, anger, and general preoccupation with other things.
Attunement depends upon our amazing capacity for non-verbal communication. In fact, the vast majority of our communication with others is non-verbal, and a huge percentage of what our brains perceive in communication from others is focused (even without our being aware) on non-verbal signals: eye movements, facial gestures, tone of voice, the move of a hand, or tip of the head. Even as one area of the brain is processing and attending to the words in an interaction, other areas are continually focusing on, and responding to, the non-verbal actions that accompany the words. From this process, a child can literally sense your interest, your approval, and your enthusiasm (resonance).
Resonance follows attunement. Even when we are separated from one another we can continue to feel the vibration of that resonant connection. This sensory experience of another person becomes part of us. When a relationship includes resonance, there is often an incredible sense of joining. And the joining experience becomes part of our memory, imagery, and thoughts of the other. It is how being loved can be felt even when alone, just by remembering the person who you have loving resonance with. It is why Valentine’s Day is more than a Hallmark card. For many, resonance likely motivated the purchase of that cute little puppy face glued across that big red heart Hallmark card (unless, of course. the purchase was simply obligatory, therefore lacking the motivation of resonance).
Attuned connections create resonance. When your child feels positive sensations, such as in moments of delight and mastery, you can share these emotional states and reflect, even amplify them with your child. Similarly, when your child feels negative emotions, such as in moments of disappointment or hurt (even anger), you can empathize with the feelings and offer a soothing presence that comforts. These moments create a joining that enables the child to “feel felt,” to feel that s/he exists in your mind. This attunement allows your child to feel connected to you and they feel good about you and themselves because you have given their primary emotion resonance. You can know, that they know, that you know how they feel.
Resonance of the parent exists inside the mind of the child, even when the child is far away from the parent. This is what every parent ultimately hopes for—their child to feel good about themselves, their family members, and others in the world.
Look again at the tea party above. What do you notice? How does attunement and resonance play out? How are you with your child? Is there one little way you could create more attunement in your relationship with your child? I know it isn’t that easy to stay attuned to an attachment challenged child. Still, healing is in the attunement and ultimate resonance.
One last thing, do you know that we can teach children non-verbal attunement language just as we help them develop verbal language skills? These simple questions and answers are a good start:
• "How can you tell if someone is happy?"
• "How can you tell if someone is sad?"
• "How does it feel when no one listens to you?"
• "When someone is speaking to you, you should look
at them."
• "You can understand someone if you listen to their
words and watch how they behave.
Interestingly, you can ask a child of almost any age the above questions, especially if they are attachment challenged. You might find these kinds of questions help them to make some connections they hadn’t noticed before.
Because love matters,
Ce
Please consider the environment before printing this email.
All Rights Reserved by Ce Eshelman 2010.
You may send this to anyone who needs support.
Now I don’t know this pair and I have no idea what was really going on, but my imagination wandered, as it often does, to the concepts of attunement and resonance. Resonance is about aligning ourselves to the primary emotion of another. In that moment of alignment each person has a “felt sense” of the other. This is sometimes referred to as a connection or as emotional intimacy. Opportunities for these “felt sense” moments happen all the time with our children, though they can slip by us because of our own frustration, fatigue, anger, and general preoccupation with other things.
Attunement depends upon our amazing capacity for non-verbal communication. In fact, the vast majority of our communication with others is non-verbal, and a huge percentage of what our brains perceive in communication from others is focused (even without our being aware) on non-verbal signals: eye movements, facial gestures, tone of voice, the move of a hand, or tip of the head. Even as one area of the brain is processing and attending to the words in an interaction, other areas are continually focusing on, and responding to, the non-verbal actions that accompany the words. From this process, a child can literally sense your interest, your approval, and your enthusiasm (resonance).
Resonance follows attunement. Even when we are separated from one another we can continue to feel the vibration of that resonant connection. This sensory experience of another person becomes part of us. When a relationship includes resonance, there is often an incredible sense of joining. And the joining experience becomes part of our memory, imagery, and thoughts of the other. It is how being loved can be felt even when alone, just by remembering the person who you have loving resonance with. It is why Valentine’s Day is more than a Hallmark card. For many, resonance likely motivated the purchase of that cute little puppy face glued across that big red heart Hallmark card (unless, of course. the purchase was simply obligatory, therefore lacking the motivation of resonance).
Attuned connections create resonance. When your child feels positive sensations, such as in moments of delight and mastery, you can share these emotional states and reflect, even amplify them with your child. Similarly, when your child feels negative emotions, such as in moments of disappointment or hurt (even anger), you can empathize with the feelings and offer a soothing presence that comforts. These moments create a joining that enables the child to “feel felt,” to feel that s/he exists in your mind. This attunement allows your child to feel connected to you and they feel good about you and themselves because you have given their primary emotion resonance. You can know, that they know, that you know how they feel.
Resonance of the parent exists inside the mind of the child, even when the child is far away from the parent. This is what every parent ultimately hopes for—their child to feel good about themselves, their family members, and others in the world.
Look again at the tea party above. What do you notice? How does attunement and resonance play out? How are you with your child? Is there one little way you could create more attunement in your relationship with your child? I know it isn’t that easy to stay attuned to an attachment challenged child. Still, healing is in the attunement and ultimate resonance.
One last thing, do you know that we can teach children non-verbal attunement language just as we help them develop verbal language skills? These simple questions and answers are a good start:
• "How can you tell if someone is happy?"
• "How can you tell if someone is sad?"
• "How does it feel when no one listens to you?"
• "When someone is speaking to you, you should look
at them."
• "You can understand someone if you listen to their
words and watch how they behave.
Interestingly, you can ask a child of almost any age the above questions, especially if they are attachment challenged. You might find these kinds of questions help them to make some connections they hadn’t noticed before.
Because love matters,
Ce
Please consider the environment before printing this email.
All Rights Reserved by Ce Eshelman 2010.
You may send this to anyone who needs support.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Moving and RAD
My husband accepted a job a couple of hours from here. We are moving at the end of the school year. Interesting what these types of experiences tell you about your child's attachment.
Our daughters are gone from home but are sad to say goodbye to the home of their childhood. They are excited about what lies ahead for us, however. Our boys each reacted completely different. Fish is very sad but so supportive. He is the most amazing young man. He said last night "When I was little I like to move but no any more." I just smiled and said "It is because now you are healthy." Taz is upset about leaving friends. He does not have many but the couple he has a very important to him. His comment. "I don't have any friends there." YEAH Taz. A sign of attachment.
I don't want my kids to be sad in life, but it is very appropriate at this point. I am sad too. I love my friends here and will find it hard to go. But I know this is the right thing for us at this time. Teddy on the other hand is super excited. He is almost giddy with excitement. He is ready to help clean the house and get things ready so we can go. I'm sure moving bring back some comfortable feelings for him as he has moved so much. Who knows, it may be really good for him.
My husband told the kids at dinner last night. I told them "I know it is hard to leave friends but we are taking the most important people with us and that is each other." I hope they feel that. I'm sure we will have some explosive days ahead but I think we may have some strong attaching opportunities too.
Have a healing day!
Our daughters are gone from home but are sad to say goodbye to the home of their childhood. They are excited about what lies ahead for us, however. Our boys each reacted completely different. Fish is very sad but so supportive. He is the most amazing young man. He said last night "When I was little I like to move but no any more." I just smiled and said "It is because now you are healthy." Taz is upset about leaving friends. He does not have many but the couple he has a very important to him. His comment. "I don't have any friends there." YEAH Taz. A sign of attachment.
I don't want my kids to be sad in life, but it is very appropriate at this point. I am sad too. I love my friends here and will find it hard to go. But I know this is the right thing for us at this time. Teddy on the other hand is super excited. He is almost giddy with excitement. He is ready to help clean the house and get things ready so we can go. I'm sure moving bring back some comfortable feelings for him as he has moved so much. Who knows, it may be really good for him.
My husband told the kids at dinner last night. I told them "I know it is hard to leave friends but we are taking the most important people with us and that is each other." I hope they feel that. I'm sure we will have some explosive days ahead but I think we may have some strong attaching opportunities too.
Have a healing day!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Teen RAD
First, I'm sorry I'm not on here much lately. My internship has me really hopping. Plus we have been doing a little remodeling on the house AND it is high school swim season so I am always on the go.
We have had some pretty major stuff going on with Teddy. He is 17. The legal age in Nebraska is 19 but they can leave of their own will at 18 legally if they wish. He is a junior in high school. We have been working hard on a couple of things: What adult responsiblities go with adult privileges. And what adult/parent relationships look like.
Let me back up a little to say we were gone all day to a swim meet last weekend. He was schmoozing it up with everyone. Mr. Smiles and Sweetness. We had a man walk up and say the usual "You son is such a neat kid. He is always so friendly." The emotionally battered mom in me wants to say "OH YEAH. YOU SHOULD SEE HIM AT HOME." Remember to think with the logical mind and not the emotional heart in those moments. The way he was acting then is what we want to see more of not less of. So scolding and saying he is being manipulative serves no purpose. My husband did a great job of saying "Thanks. I appreciate hearing that."
But what all this meant was that after an entire day of hiding his fear he was exhausted when we got home and let it all out on me. The next couple of days were H-E- Double Hockey Sticks. I spent much time talking with Teddy who was acting more like Bear at this point. He ranted endlessly about how he could not wait to get away from us. When he grows up he will tell his children we are dead. If we make him do what he doesn't want he will tell people we hurt him and throw us in jail. We will never make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Yada yada yada."
Finally last night he calmed himself and apologized. Today he is back to his "new normal" and other than having a cold is great. Now realize that even though both my boys have some healing from RAD, they have triggers that send them off the deep end. Hopefully time and more work will make these fewer and further apart. Our goal is not to make them like everyone else, but to help them heal to the point of being able to love, hold down a job and care for themselves. That is a pretty lofty goal right there.
Healing is possible.
Never, never, never quit.
We have had some pretty major stuff going on with Teddy. He is 17. The legal age in Nebraska is 19 but they can leave of their own will at 18 legally if they wish. He is a junior in high school. We have been working hard on a couple of things: What adult responsiblities go with adult privileges. And what adult/parent relationships look like.
Let me back up a little to say we were gone all day to a swim meet last weekend. He was schmoozing it up with everyone. Mr. Smiles and Sweetness. We had a man walk up and say the usual "You son is such a neat kid. He is always so friendly." The emotionally battered mom in me wants to say "OH YEAH. YOU SHOULD SEE HIM AT HOME." Remember to think with the logical mind and not the emotional heart in those moments. The way he was acting then is what we want to see more of not less of. So scolding and saying he is being manipulative serves no purpose. My husband did a great job of saying "Thanks. I appreciate hearing that."
But what all this meant was that after an entire day of hiding his fear he was exhausted when we got home and let it all out on me. The next couple of days were H-E- Double Hockey Sticks. I spent much time talking with Teddy who was acting more like Bear at this point. He ranted endlessly about how he could not wait to get away from us. When he grows up he will tell his children we are dead. If we make him do what he doesn't want he will tell people we hurt him and throw us in jail. We will never make him do anything he doesn't want to do. Yada yada yada."
Finally last night he calmed himself and apologized. Today he is back to his "new normal" and other than having a cold is great. Now realize that even though both my boys have some healing from RAD, they have triggers that send them off the deep end. Hopefully time and more work will make these fewer and further apart. Our goal is not to make them like everyone else, but to help them heal to the point of being able to love, hold down a job and care for themselves. That is a pretty lofty goal right there.
Healing is possible.
Never, never, never quit.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Lack of Affection and its effect on children
A baby is born. It is taken to the mother who has, let's say, bi-polar disorder. She has not sought help for her disorder but uses drugs and alcohol to self medicate. She looks at the baby and turns away. When asked if she wants to hold the baby she says no. When asked if she is going to breast feed she turns up her nose and says "No. Give him a bottle." They arrive home to chaos. They baby has no crib but is laid in a dirty play pen in the corner. Loud music blaring, smoke in the air, many people coming and going. Mom begins to party with her friends. The baby has a bottle propped in it's mouth now and then and is changed when the smell is bad enough. As a toddler the baby is hit when it cries and shoved out of the way. Men come and go from moms life. Some are ok. Some are abusive. Perhaps sexually. Social Services comes and removed the preschooler from his home and puts him in foster care. By this time the preschool age child is flipping people off and dropping the f bomb freely. He has seen porn, watched his mom have sex with various men and perhaps had to do so himself. The first foster home can't handle his behaviors so he is moved. The second foster home has to move to another town, so he is moved. The third foster home has a foster child who sexually abuses him behind closed doors...... and then the child is adopted.
He has reactive attachment disorder. This is no child in particular but many children fit this discription.
Another child is born. His parents can't wait to hold him and look into his eyes. He is told how much he is loved. He is kept clean. His cries are answers by loving words and kind eyes. He is held. He is cherished. His first steps are greeted with cheers and video cameras. He is read too. He has grandparents who hug him and smother him with kisses. He is loving disciplined. He is gently potty trained. His parents may not have much money but he knows he is loved. He is a confident happy preschooler ready for his first day of preschool.
Attachment to our primary caregiver makes all the difference in the world as to how our brains work. Attachment makes us fell loved and safe. It gives us the ability to trust. Our children have been hurt. We must give them structure, love, safety. Never lose sight of the amount of hurt and damage neglect did to their brains as babies. They are so scared and it comes off as anger. Inside is a frightened little child who needs to learn to love.
Never, never, never quit.
He has reactive attachment disorder. This is no child in particular but many children fit this discription.
Another child is born. His parents can't wait to hold him and look into his eyes. He is told how much he is loved. He is kept clean. His cries are answers by loving words and kind eyes. He is held. He is cherished. His first steps are greeted with cheers and video cameras. He is read too. He has grandparents who hug him and smother him with kisses. He is loving disciplined. He is gently potty trained. His parents may not have much money but he knows he is loved. He is a confident happy preschooler ready for his first day of preschool.
Attachment to our primary caregiver makes all the difference in the world as to how our brains work. Attachment makes us fell loved and safe. It gives us the ability to trust. Our children have been hurt. We must give them structure, love, safety. Never lose sight of the amount of hurt and damage neglect did to their brains as babies. They are so scared and it comes off as anger. Inside is a frightened little child who needs to learn to love.
Never, never, never quit.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Explosive Anger
I do still see excessive anger in my boys almost daily. Nothin will compare with that time about 3 years ago when we began attachment therapy. That escalated their behavior beyond words as their fear of attachment was opened like a wound and they began to look at it and see it for what it was. Some of the behaviors we faced were:
When in time out they would spit all over the rug by the front door. Nothing like walking through that with bare feet. Ugh.
Taz went through a time of opening car doors just a crack while we were moving down the road. It wasn't enough to make them swing open but enough to make me stop the car as it was unsafe. I began clicking the child safety locks inside the door. Then I'd have to cover them with my hand as he got in so he wouldn't unclick them. Then he started reaching across and doing it to the door on the other side. I kept an umbrella of the Jimmy I drove at the time. He'd get it and reach up and push the button on the radio. All of this with a smile of glee.
Every piece of furnture in his room was kicked apart into a pile of boards. All the shelves in his closet and the rod were pulled down. Sheet rock was kicked in and pulled off down to the insulation. Don't even ask about urine. The wood trim on windows was pulled off.
We'd look outside in the summer and long past his bedtime he had gone out his bedroom window and was running around outside.
He'd raid the cupboards and fridge all night and binge on entire boxed of food, containers of sugar, bottles of honey.
He'd go into siblings rooms in the middle of the night and turn on their lights.
He stole money. Bear stole jewelry, tools, etc from their dad and me.
They were kicked out of or sent home early from every activity we tried.
Grades dropped. Suspensions for fighting were common.
Healing has begun. There are no more suspensions. Grades are up. Our home is better. Do we have a long ways to go? Yes. The two of them have a trauma bond that sends them into violent fist fights. Bear has only had the beginnings of attachment to me so still says some pretty cruel stuff. He still threatens to run away, to tell the police we hurt him so we will go to jail, calls me names. But are we where we were 3 years ago. No where close.
When the boys first came my main concern was that Bear would be homeless as an adult. I can see the possibility of him caring for himself at this point, at least minimally. I was afraid Taz was going to hurt someone. He still has some pretty impulsive behaviors that could land him into trouble. There is hope. Never, never, never quit. Our children can heal from RAD. Get help. Read. Read. Read. Pray. Pray. Pray. Put into practice the methods your learn. You can do this.
When in time out they would spit all over the rug by the front door. Nothing like walking through that with bare feet. Ugh.
Taz went through a time of opening car doors just a crack while we were moving down the road. It wasn't enough to make them swing open but enough to make me stop the car as it was unsafe. I began clicking the child safety locks inside the door. Then I'd have to cover them with my hand as he got in so he wouldn't unclick them. Then he started reaching across and doing it to the door on the other side. I kept an umbrella of the Jimmy I drove at the time. He'd get it and reach up and push the button on the radio. All of this with a smile of glee.
Every piece of furnture in his room was kicked apart into a pile of boards. All the shelves in his closet and the rod were pulled down. Sheet rock was kicked in and pulled off down to the insulation. Don't even ask about urine. The wood trim on windows was pulled off.
We'd look outside in the summer and long past his bedtime he had gone out his bedroom window and was running around outside.
He'd raid the cupboards and fridge all night and binge on entire boxed of food, containers of sugar, bottles of honey.
He'd go into siblings rooms in the middle of the night and turn on their lights.
He stole money. Bear stole jewelry, tools, etc from their dad and me.
They were kicked out of or sent home early from every activity we tried.
Grades dropped. Suspensions for fighting were common.
Healing has begun. There are no more suspensions. Grades are up. Our home is better. Do we have a long ways to go? Yes. The two of them have a trauma bond that sends them into violent fist fights. Bear has only had the beginnings of attachment to me so still says some pretty cruel stuff. He still threatens to run away, to tell the police we hurt him so we will go to jail, calls me names. But are we where we were 3 years ago. No where close.
When the boys first came my main concern was that Bear would be homeless as an adult. I can see the possibility of him caring for himself at this point, at least minimally. I was afraid Taz was going to hurt someone. He still has some pretty impulsive behaviors that could land him into trouble. There is hope. Never, never, never quit. Our children can heal from RAD. Get help. Read. Read. Read. Pray. Pray. Pray. Put into practice the methods your learn. You can do this.
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