Saturday, March 27, 2010
Outside looking in
You know the scene. There were eye appointments after school. I had to leave my internship early and I met the boys there. That works out great as Fish drove them there. I walked in and Teddy was being checked on one of those machines. He saw me and said "Hi Mom. How was your day?" This is the same Teddy who at home has been brutal as of late toward me in his words. The optical lady said "Awwww. That is so sweet. I don't think any of my kids have ever asked me that?" First of all I felt bad for her that her kids have never asked. Second, for my kids with RAD kids it is the first words out of their mouths every day. It is what I ask them and I think they honestly don't know what else to say. It has become habit. Here is where the story changes. In the past I'd feel a little twang inside as I thought about the way I am treated at home and yet I'd smile and say "thanks". Teddy would usually smile a sweet Eddie Haskal smile that said "I am so sweet aren't I?" Yesterday was different. He looked at me and I saw sadness that said "No. I am not really too nice to mom when no one is looking." That was IMPORTANT! That was caring. That was real emotion. That was another baby step toward healing. Have a healing weekend!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Does My Child Have RAD?
I remember wondering about it for several years. When we adopted them we were told they had attachment issues. I think most foster adopt kids do. I was told they worked on these issues. I was sure my little tots, ages 3 and 6, did love me and I loved them fiercely. As they became older it became clearly evident that somthing major was wrong. For Taz around age 7 it became dramatic. He became increasingly distructive to our home. I would hear him in his room distroying his furniture all night. If I went down he would laugh and run. I could catch him and make him lay down but as soon as I'd get up he'd start back. I couldn't function the next day because of no sleep. He becme more and more disruptive at school, very defiant. One day he was carried from the lunch room in a rage. Bear was always quietly defiant. Very passive aggressive. He did not become more openly defiant until his teen years. He is now around 5'10". Taz is about 5'6" at age 15 so will really grow over the next couple of years. I am 5'4" so they are both bigger and stronger than me now. I shudder to think what our lives would be like if we had had no progress in attachment.
What to do? We tried psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, herbal treatments, chiropractors. Anything and everything we could think of. Nothing made a bit of difference. They were diagnosed with bipolar, intermittent explosive disorder, ADHD, anxiety, depression. No medication helped. No counseling help. Most counseling focused on changing my parenting when I was already doing all the things they would suggest. Frustration..exhaustion..dispair......
We went to an attachment threapist and our lives changed forever. This was combined with EMDR which is a form of trauma therapy. Taz transformed before our eyes. Bear struggled and fought it. His sadness and fear is so turned inward. Taz has his bad days now, but they are NOTHING. NOTHING like what we used to experience. He had a couple of bad mornings this week and I woke yesterday to him making me coffee with a sorrowful look. This morning he was awesome as well. Bear, who we now call Teddy, has taken baby steps. Then he regresses. Baby steps. Then he regresses. He is going to be 18 soon. He does have other disorders that interfere with attachment and make it tougher.
Our lives are good again. Yours can be too. Maybe there is no attachment therapist around. Then read, read, read. Read the blogs listed to the right. Read the websites listed to the right. I have a few books listed to the right but need to update that list!!
Those of you who have been doing this awhile, could you share your favorite book on attachment?
Those of you beginning the healing: here are the first steps.
Focus on attachment, not the lack of it. Empathy: They are reacting our of fear and sadness. Gently say during a quiet time that you understand they are sad and afraid and that you are there to help. Gentle touch: a pat on the shoulder, a hug, loving eyes especially when disciplining, solid boundaries about the big stuff, don't sweat the little stuff.
I will go back to writing some beginning RAD stuff over the next few weeks. Moms put on your thinking caps and help me out. I will be putting links to any articles on beginnng RAD parenting so let me know if you include any of that sort of thing.
Most of all...you are not alone. There are a large bunch of parents who get it. It is hard. It is heartbreaking. You can do this. There is healing. Never, never, never quit.
What to do? We tried psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists, herbal treatments, chiropractors. Anything and everything we could think of. Nothing made a bit of difference. They were diagnosed with bipolar, intermittent explosive disorder, ADHD, anxiety, depression. No medication helped. No counseling help. Most counseling focused on changing my parenting when I was already doing all the things they would suggest. Frustration..exhaustion..dispair......
We went to an attachment threapist and our lives changed forever. This was combined with EMDR which is a form of trauma therapy. Taz transformed before our eyes. Bear struggled and fought it. His sadness and fear is so turned inward. Taz has his bad days now, but they are NOTHING. NOTHING like what we used to experience. He had a couple of bad mornings this week and I woke yesterday to him making me coffee with a sorrowful look. This morning he was awesome as well. Bear, who we now call Teddy, has taken baby steps. Then he regresses. Baby steps. Then he regresses. He is going to be 18 soon. He does have other disorders that interfere with attachment and make it tougher.
Our lives are good again. Yours can be too. Maybe there is no attachment therapist around. Then read, read, read. Read the blogs listed to the right. Read the websites listed to the right. I have a few books listed to the right but need to update that list!!
Those of you who have been doing this awhile, could you share your favorite book on attachment?
Those of you beginning the healing: here are the first steps.
Focus on attachment, not the lack of it. Empathy: They are reacting our of fear and sadness. Gently say during a quiet time that you understand they are sad and afraid and that you are there to help. Gentle touch: a pat on the shoulder, a hug, loving eyes especially when disciplining, solid boundaries about the big stuff, don't sweat the little stuff.
I will go back to writing some beginning RAD stuff over the next few weeks. Moms put on your thinking caps and help me out. I will be putting links to any articles on beginnng RAD parenting so let me know if you include any of that sort of thing.
Most of all...you are not alone. There are a large bunch of parents who get it. It is hard. It is heartbreaking. You can do this. There is healing. Never, never, never quit.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
A New Day
Good morning! It can be a good morning. We get to choose. Mornings are notoriously difficult for my RADlings. They wake up ready to fight the world. I say "they" because even Taz still has a hard time in the mornings. Right now he is in the kitchen doing all he can to pick an argument with any takers. I just told him to stop or he leaves the room for 5 minutes. I have done this many times and for today it worked. Other days it would not. But their mood, anger, rage... does NOT dictate what kind of day I have. I can choose. I do not need to feel their feelings or get caught up in the whole "control" game. If they have clothes on, eat and get out the door I am good. Anything additional is candy. I have my cup of coffee, I'm off to my internship and a world of fascinating people. Today I hope you choose to have a good morning too.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Tips for RAD kids Mothers by CeCe Eshelman
Another great news letter by CeCe! Thanks for all you do for kids!
"If you are the mother of a child with attachment challenges, then you might like a little cheat sheet to help you avoid the pitfalls of trying to manage the behavior of your child. If you are gay, then you can identify which parent is wearing the designated “mother” role by noticing which parent gets the most reactivity from the child—tag, you are it.
As you are probably guessing, there are many strategies for intervening in disruptive behavior and they all work with attachment challenged children some of the time. Well, except the strategies designed for normally attached children—typical parenting strategies--they don’t work at all. So, be prepared to role your eyes at the tips I am about to give. Then, try half of them for two weeks solid and see if you find a couple of discernable changes in your household.
1. Stop being a control freak. I know, I know. It seems like that is what is necessary to keep these little folks “under control.” Unfortunately, adding your control issues to your child’s control issues is an equation for disaster. Control + Control = Power Struggles! Your child really needs structure with love. Let some things go once in a while.
2. Manage your fear. Every time your child steals a cookie and hides it under the bed with the other 59 stolen, uneaten cookies, stop in your tracks and say this: “Stealing cookies is not a gateway to prison.” Honest, it isn’t. It just seems like it is. Breathe.
3. Find your heart. This is a tough one and I know it waxes and wanes like the moon. My best short and sweet advice—Get yourself a truly supportive, support person to listen to your woes; find an individual therapist who gets attachment challenged children; evaluate your own unfinished business, so your triggers are less touchy (that means do your best to finish that business); and spend time enjoying your husband, your partner, your friends (find some), your quiet time (find some), your hobbies (find some), your life (find one). Your child should not be the true center of the universe.
4. Remember that your love matters and so does your sanity. Strive for balance to pull this off. Structure your home, regain your life, take every break you can, seek solace from your spiritual center, and, finally, ask someone trustworthy to physically and emotionally hold you (because you need the neuro-chemicals released when they do).
I have a vault full of behavioral tips, but the four above have the best and most lasting impact.
Because love matters,
Ce
www.sacramentoattachmentspecialist.com
Please consider the environment before printing this email.
All Rights Reserved by Ce Eshelman 2010.
You may send this to anyone who needs support."
"If you are the mother of a child with attachment challenges, then you might like a little cheat sheet to help you avoid the pitfalls of trying to manage the behavior of your child. If you are gay, then you can identify which parent is wearing the designated “mother” role by noticing which parent gets the most reactivity from the child—tag, you are it.
As you are probably guessing, there are many strategies for intervening in disruptive behavior and they all work with attachment challenged children some of the time. Well, except the strategies designed for normally attached children—typical parenting strategies--they don’t work at all. So, be prepared to role your eyes at the tips I am about to give. Then, try half of them for two weeks solid and see if you find a couple of discernable changes in your household.
1. Stop being a control freak. I know, I know. It seems like that is what is necessary to keep these little folks “under control.” Unfortunately, adding your control issues to your child’s control issues is an equation for disaster. Control + Control = Power Struggles! Your child really needs structure with love. Let some things go once in a while.
2. Manage your fear. Every time your child steals a cookie and hides it under the bed with the other 59 stolen, uneaten cookies, stop in your tracks and say this: “Stealing cookies is not a gateway to prison.” Honest, it isn’t. It just seems like it is. Breathe.
3. Find your heart. This is a tough one and I know it waxes and wanes like the moon. My best short and sweet advice—Get yourself a truly supportive, support person to listen to your woes; find an individual therapist who gets attachment challenged children; evaluate your own unfinished business, so your triggers are less touchy (that means do your best to finish that business); and spend time enjoying your husband, your partner, your friends (find some), your quiet time (find some), your hobbies (find some), your life (find one). Your child should not be the true center of the universe.
4. Remember that your love matters and so does your sanity. Strive for balance to pull this off. Structure your home, regain your life, take every break you can, seek solace from your spiritual center, and, finally, ask someone trustworthy to physically and emotionally hold you (because you need the neuro-chemicals released when they do).
I have a vault full of behavioral tips, but the four above have the best and most lasting impact.
Because love matters,
Ce
www.sacramentoattachmentspecialist.com
Please consider the environment before printing this email.
All Rights Reserved by Ce Eshelman 2010.
You may send this to anyone who needs support."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
RAD is tough
I apologize for my absence. Trying to get the house and then keep the house "show ready" is time consuming. It is finally on the market though and we are having our first showing since listing this coming week. I have had a ton of paperwork to fill out to register the boys for school for next year in our new town. I drove back there for an interview for the last half of my internship on Friday. We went out of town for a family wedding yesterday. The pace is exhausting.....and yet....
the emotional,physical and mental exhaustion I feel now is nothing compared to what it was like dealing with full blown RAD while in Attachment therapy. Nothing. If you are in the midst of it, keep pressing on. Don't give up. Take care of yourself and your emotionally healthy family members physically, spiritually, emotionally....You must if you are going to finish this race! It is a marathon, not a sprint.
the emotional,physical and mental exhaustion I feel now is nothing compared to what it was like dealing with full blown RAD while in Attachment therapy. Nothing. If you are in the midst of it, keep pressing on. Don't give up. Take care of yourself and your emotionally healthy family members physically, spiritually, emotionally....You must if you are going to finish this race! It is a marathon, not a sprint.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
RAD Shame
There is such shame felt by children with RAD. Many of these shame feelings come from deep within and flood them with negative thoughts.
"I must be pretty bad if my birth mom did want me." (subsitute care for me, feed me, hit me as fits)
"I can't do anything right."
"I can't love this mom and I know I should. What kind of a person doesn't love their mom?"
They do horrible things to keep us at a distance and then feel deep guilt and shame for that. I think there are very few who actually have no conscience. I believe much of their behavior is driven by guilt and shame even though they try hard not to show it or acknowledge it. They value themselves so little because they were not valued in those first few years as they should have been. Children are a treasure. What the heck is our society doing? Ooops. Off subject.
Our situation with Teddy blew up big time this week. Little did I know that he bought one of the "BB guns" which actually turned out to be one of those pellet guns that are quite popular now. It was a clear plastic but much cheaper and more toy like looking than the above. Actually I saw it in the other boys hand at the park and thought it was a squirt gun and that the BB guns had gone home. Little did I know. Teddy stuck it in his backpack and took it to school so I wouldn't find it. Then, of course, being Teddy he had to tell everyone he had it. He is suspended. If it were not for his special ed IEP and the work they have been doing with him he would have been expelled for the rest of the year.
This is where the shame comes in. Since getting into trouble he is venting all his anger at himself toward Taz. He is filled with rage toward him and goes on and on about how bad he is. It is obvious to everyone, even Taz, that this is what he is doing. He rants about Taz in ways that says "I am talking about me." So sad to be hurting so much. I've tried talking to him but he needs a little more time to collect himself before we can have a rational conversation.
As hard as it is to parent them, it is so much harder to be them. They are hurting.
"I must be pretty bad if my birth mom did want me." (subsitute care for me, feed me, hit me as fits)
"I can't do anything right."
"I can't love this mom and I know I should. What kind of a person doesn't love their mom?"
They do horrible things to keep us at a distance and then feel deep guilt and shame for that. I think there are very few who actually have no conscience. I believe much of their behavior is driven by guilt and shame even though they try hard not to show it or acknowledge it. They value themselves so little because they were not valued in those first few years as they should have been. Children are a treasure. What the heck is our society doing? Ooops. Off subject.
This is where the shame comes in. Since getting into trouble he is venting all his anger at himself toward Taz. He is filled with rage toward him and goes on and on about how bad he is. It is obvious to everyone, even Taz, that this is what he is doing. He rants about Taz in ways that says "I am talking about me." So sad to be hurting so much. I've tried talking to him but he needs a little more time to collect himself before we can have a rational conversation.
As hard as it is to parent them, it is so much harder to be them. They are hurting.
Monday, March 8, 2010
RAD and guns
We are done working on our house. We are exhausted but feeling pretty good about how it turned out. We do have a new dishwasher coming today. A guy is pouring a new sidewalk some time this week but our part of the work is done. We cleaned out every closet, cleaned out the kitchen cupboards, organized, scrubbed and decluttered every inch of this house! Now to get 3 teenage boys to help keep it this way without being military. So far they have been helpful to varying degrees. Taz has risen above the crowd to be our right hand cleaning man!
Yesterday Taz and Teddy wanted to go bike riding. There is a big park a couple of blocks from here with a nice riding trail. I think the out of doors is healing. It is great exercise. My only concern is the other kids they may come across. This park/trail is a busy place so it is safe.
After a couple of hours Taz comes home and says the Teddy has a B B gun in the park and was shooting at him. I jumped in the car (forget I told you it is a couple of blocks) and drove over there. Taz said another kid gave it to him and they were shooting together. In my mind this kid was going to be heavily tattooed, wearing a couple of days growth of beard, long greasy hair, smoking and swearing like a sailor. I pulled up to see Teddy and this other boy playing around. No guns in hand.
Teddy jumped on his bike and headed over and the other kid jumped on his and came along. I'm thinking "Oh great. He has attitude." Up pulls a very clean cut polite boy who spoke respectfully." I asked him nicely if he'd had his B B guns at the park and he said yes. I told him I didn't think a busy public park was a good place to shoot. He agreed and said they were just shooting puddles and old leaves and stuff. I pointed out that when the park is as busy as it was yesterday it would be easy to miss and accidently hit someone. He agreed. I asked if they were shooting at Taz. The other boy's eyes immediately lowered to the ground. Teddy gets the angry twisted face look and says "NO. WE DID NOT." I looked at the other boy and told him I would not put him in the middle of it as I saw the agony on his face as he was trying to decide what to do. He looked so relieved.
Later I told Teddy that he was not being a good friend to this very nice boy (with somewhat faulty judgment) when he made him choose whether to lie for him or tell on him. He agreed. I told him he needed to come clean for his friend if nothing else.
They still do get to go to the park. Not because I think Bear feels any differently but because I don't think the friend will bring Bear a B B gun next time.
Good thingL MUCH use of the word "we" when talking about selling our house and moving. I think this move is going to be good for attachment. Teddy is still really struggling in his relationship with family these days. He is so angry. So afraid. I hope a fresh start helps.
Never, never, never quit.
Yesterday Taz and Teddy wanted to go bike riding. There is a big park a couple of blocks from here with a nice riding trail. I think the out of doors is healing. It is great exercise. My only concern is the other kids they may come across. This park/trail is a busy place so it is safe.
After a couple of hours Taz comes home and says the Teddy has a B B gun in the park and was shooting at him. I jumped in the car (forget I told you it is a couple of blocks) and drove over there. Taz said another kid gave it to him and they were shooting together. In my mind this kid was going to be heavily tattooed, wearing a couple of days growth of beard, long greasy hair, smoking and swearing like a sailor. I pulled up to see Teddy and this other boy playing around. No guns in hand.
Teddy jumped on his bike and headed over and the other kid jumped on his and came along. I'm thinking "Oh great. He has attitude." Up pulls a very clean cut polite boy who spoke respectfully." I asked him nicely if he'd had his B B guns at the park and he said yes. I told him I didn't think a busy public park was a good place to shoot. He agreed and said they were just shooting puddles and old leaves and stuff. I pointed out that when the park is as busy as it was yesterday it would be easy to miss and accidently hit someone. He agreed. I asked if they were shooting at Taz. The other boy's eyes immediately lowered to the ground. Teddy gets the angry twisted face look and says "NO. WE DID NOT." I looked at the other boy and told him I would not put him in the middle of it as I saw the agony on his face as he was trying to decide what to do. He looked so relieved.
Later I told Teddy that he was not being a good friend to this very nice boy (with somewhat faulty judgment) when he made him choose whether to lie for him or tell on him. He agreed. I told him he needed to come clean for his friend if nothing else.
They still do get to go to the park. Not because I think Bear feels any differently but because I don't think the friend will bring Bear a B B gun next time.
Good thingL MUCH use of the word "we" when talking about selling our house and moving. I think this move is going to be good for attachment. Teddy is still really struggling in his relationship with family these days. He is so angry. So afraid. I hope a fresh start helps.
Never, never, never quit.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
RAD resources
I received this email as a part of a group I beoing to today and wanted to share.
"In honor of National Child Life Month, I would like to give away some of the print, audio and video resources I have created in recent years to a few of my precious colleagues in the adoption and foster care communities, during the month of March only.
The Jonathon Letters, co-authored with a foster/adopt mom, illustrates the real challenges of a family coming to grips with the attachment struggles of a deeply troubled 4-year-old who has entered their family. (For more information on the print version, click http://www.healthy-family.net/jonathon.html. For more information on the audiobook version, click http://www.healthy-family.net/jonathon2.html.)
The Hope Filled Parent is a meditation CD for foster and adoptive families that find themselves stretched thin by the demands the hurt children in their care exact. Some of the meditations are funny; others zero right in on the heart of the struggle. All are designed to uplift and encourage. (For more information, click http://www.healthy-family.net/hofipa.html.)
Baby Verses: The Narrative Poetry of Infants and Toddlers is a book that sets out to describe the world from the point of view of a baby. The accompanying CD records the voices of very young children telling their own stories about early loss, parental depression and alcoholism, adoption, and discovering courage. (For more information, click http://www.healthy-family.net/babyverses.html.)
Is Anyone in There? Adopting a Wounded Child is a 13-minute DVD that portrays the experience of a new adoptive family who is stunned by the emotional unavailability and despair they encounter in the baby with whom they have just been presented. (For more information, click http://www.healthy-family.net/transition5.html.)
Gentle Transitions: A Newborn Baby’s Point of View About Adoption is a 10-minute DVD that describes adoption at birth from the perspective of the infant, who is conscious and observant about all that is going on around him. (For more information, click http://www.healthy-family.net/transition1.html.)
Our library of resources about the emotional development of infants and toddlers, and their families (see www.infant-parent.com) includes many more titles. But in honor of National Child Life Month, I have decided to give away—during all of March, 2010—a copy of any one of these resources. All you have to do is ask, by clicking teresa@infant-parent.com
I will cover the shipping, anywhere in the US, as well.
We need all the resources we can pull together, to support the optimal development of the babies in our midst, on whom so much depends.
With regards for your work,
Michael Trout, Director
The Infant-Parent Institute"
I am not sure what they mean by them covering the shipping. I'm not sure if that is from the last website listed or any of them but it doesn't hurt to ask them. Looks like some good resources.
"In honor of National Child Life Month, I would like to give away some of the print, audio and video resources I have created in recent years to a few of my precious colleagues in the adoption and foster care communities, during the month of March only.
The Jonathon Letters, co-authored with a foster/adopt mom, illustrates the real challenges of a family coming to grips with the attachment struggles of a deeply troubled 4-year-old who has entered their family. (For more information on the print version, click http://www.healthy-family.net/jonathon.html. For more information on the audiobook version, click http://www.healthy-family.net/jonathon2.html.)
The Hope Filled Parent is a meditation CD for foster and adoptive families that find themselves stretched thin by the demands the hurt children in their care exact. Some of the meditations are funny; others zero right in on the heart of the struggle. All are designed to uplift and encourage. (For more information, click http://www.healthy-family.net/hofipa.html.)
Baby Verses: The Narrative Poetry of Infants and Toddlers is a book that sets out to describe the world from the point of view of a baby. The accompanying CD records the voices of very young children telling their own stories about early loss, parental depression and alcoholism, adoption, and discovering courage. (For more information, click http://www.healthy-family.net/babyverses.html.)
Is Anyone in There? Adopting a Wounded Child is a 13-minute DVD that portrays the experience of a new adoptive family who is stunned by the emotional unavailability and despair they encounter in the baby with whom they have just been presented. (For more information, click http://www.healthy-family.net/transition5.html.)
Gentle Transitions: A Newborn Baby’s Point of View About Adoption is a 10-minute DVD that describes adoption at birth from the perspective of the infant, who is conscious and observant about all that is going on around him. (For more information, click http://www.healthy-family.net/transition1.html.)
Our library of resources about the emotional development of infants and toddlers, and their families (see www.infant-parent.com) includes many more titles. But in honor of National Child Life Month, I have decided to give away—during all of March, 2010—a copy of any one of these resources. All you have to do is ask, by clicking teresa@infant-parent.com
I will cover the shipping, anywhere in the US, as well.
We need all the resources we can pull together, to support the optimal development of the babies in our midst, on whom so much depends.
With regards for your work,
Michael Trout, Director
The Infant-Parent Institute"
I am not sure what they mean by them covering the shipping. I'm not sure if that is from the last website listed or any of them but it doesn't hurt to ask them. Looks like some good resources.
Monday, March 1, 2010
RAD anger
RAD anger can actually be pretty easily deflected. I'm not talking about a full blown rage here. But when your child is angry and throwing verbal daggers at everyone there are a couple of things that work for us.
One is changing the subject. Think of the movie UP!
I have used something similar to this so many times. In the middle of a heated conversation. "What do you all want for dinner tonight?" "Look at that weird building" "I think Madison needs her nails trimmed" (dog)
OR make faces. Practice some really ugly ones in the mirror and make them at times of early escalation. If you wait to long it won't work. If you do it early on you might be surprised by the response!
Remember: When things get too tense. Release the squirrels!!!!
Have a healing day!
One is changing the subject. Think of the movie UP!
I have used something similar to this so many times. In the middle of a heated conversation. "What do you all want for dinner tonight?" "Look at that weird building" "I think Madison needs her nails trimmed" (dog)
OR make faces. Practice some really ugly ones in the mirror and make them at times of early escalation. If you wait to long it won't work. If you do it early on you might be surprised by the response!
Remember: When things get too tense. Release the squirrels!!!!
Have a healing day!
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