Nonsense Questions

We don't have so much of the nonsense chatter any more. We sometimes get the nonsense questions but not to the extent we used too. I thought I'd share some ways that helps us.

Constant questions:

Our kids generally have a lot of anxiety in the car. I assume it is because they were moved so much and it brings up the "Where are they taking me?" feelings of long ago. So the questions would start firing. We have a "No questions in the car" rule. So when they say "When we get home can I go outside? What is for dinner? Why is that man limping?" I simply said "No questions in the car?" If that did not stop them I'd say "If you ask me in the car the answer will be the opposite of what you want. Would you like for me to go ahead and answer or do you want to wait until we get home?"  If you do feel they are having anxiety I think it is good to play soothing music, happy music and sing. That would improve the mood or cause them to quiet at least. I only have a "Mom voice" when it comes to singing but it has always had a very calming effect on them. I think it is because when they first came at ages 3 and 6 I sang to them and roked them every night.

One of the boys was SO caught up in asking questions morning to night we had to limit him to 8 questions a day. That is how many we would answer. So it went something like this:

"Why is that car green?"
"The person must like green cars. That is 1 question."
After 8 questions we'd say "I'm sorry you are out of questions for today. Ask tomorrow."

It was not long before he'd say "Why.....wait. I dont want to waste a question on that."

"Way to think things through kiddo. Great job"

Nonsense Questions:

Nonsense questions get nonsense answers. So when dad walks past and Bear says "Hi dad", Dad says hi as he is walking up the stairs. Then Bear would say "Where is dad?" To which I'd reply "Down stairs".  Bear would smile and say "Noooooooooooooo he is not." I'd just say "Oh."

Or if we are shopping and see a pair of pants and they say "What is that?" I'd say "A shirt." They always smiled because they always knew.

Don't make a big deal out of the questions. Dont' try to force them to tell you that they already know. Lighten up and move on. When they don't get attention for it they lose interest.  Never, never, never quit!

The Unattached Parent

There are times when I catch myself becoming unattached to my boys with RAD. I distance myself out of fear of hurt. Or sometimes the hurt is too much already and I just back off and try not to care. There thoughts and behaviors make me, in a way, unattached myself. My own little version of attachment disorder. Much of this can stem from our own past hurts. We all have had our ability to love and trust shaped by past relationships. How much we have dealt with and moved on from our past hurts determines how much we can attach.

When the fear or sadness swells up in response to their words or actions it not only hampers our ability to attach to our kids, it makes it more difficult for them to attach to us.  Dealing with past hurt is important for parents.  If some past hurt keeps coming up for you it may be time to find someone to talk you through it and work on it.

I find the best ways to keep from having those defensive feelings is to learn not to take their actions personally.  Get into the habit of saying "Don't take it personally. It is not about me." over and over to yourself when they are acting out. This is about their past hurt. They are acting out in fear.

Having the courage to deal with past hurt in your life can help you be a better parent. If we expect our kids to deal with their past, we should have the courage to do so ourselves!

Have a healing day!

Conscience or not

Taz has had a really rough time calming back down since his birthday. This morning he woke explosively angry which we have not seen in a long time.  He did something extremely inappropriate which I don't feel I can share but said he didn't care and laughed. I have known him for 11 years and I will tell you this child does care.  I used to fear he had no conscience but have figured out that is not true at all.

He is the most angry and defiant when he is over wrought by guilt. I am giving him some cool down time right nowhe is running through the main floor like a wild man. To talk with him now would be disasterous as he would escalate.  He has definitely done something more I don't know about yet. I just tell him now and then that he is showing his fear and I'm here when he is ready to talk. Never, never, never quit.

We've got the Birthday Blues

I spoke too soon. That happens a lot doesn't it? We say things are going great and then they blow up in our faces.  My hubbies birthday is today. Happy Birthday Hubby! And Taz's birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday Taz!  Taz is stressed beyond words. We celebrated Taz's birthday yesterday because tomorrow is crazy busy in the evening. We went out for lunch. He didn't like the place we picked. We got him a gift. He thought there would be more. He went to youth group and punched a youth leader.....Sigh.  Tonight we will keep the focus on hubby and if he cannot handle that he will have to have to have some chores to make it up to dad.  I am taking him out for lunch tomorrow and then will be gone.



On a positive note Teddy is handling Taz having a birthday pretty well. That is normally a big trigger for him. I hope it lasts.  I look forward to the day when birthday's truly are happy for them. I believe it will happen!

Healing RAD

I know I haven't written much about dealing with and working on RAD lately. It is because I am seeing very few RAD behaviors.  Both of our boys are doing well.  We spent the day at a swim meet yesterday. In the past that would have meant the boys would fight, complain and glare at me almost constantly. We'd separate them but then one would go to the bathroom and never come back. The other would need to go and if we let them they'd find each other and fight. I swear there are some type of magnets inside that draw them together.  Trauma magnets. 

But yesterday they just sat there quietly.  They brought along hand held games and books as usual but this time they actually used them. I remember no complaints. I did not see one arguement or fight, not even in the car. Dancer and I ran and got Jimmy Johns. They ate their meals.  Well, Taz did complain a little on that one I guess, but normal kid stuff.

Never lose hope. Taz was 12 and Teddy was 15 when we went to attachment therapy.  Teddy has only begun showing signs of healing since age 17. If any one tells you your child cannot heal because they are older, do not listen.

Never, never, never quit. Loving eyes, gentle voice, empathy and loving appropriate touch.....consistency, regulate yourself before trying to regulate them, take care of your own body and soul...You can do this.

Update and Conference Info

I just finished my first week of internship at a mental health clinic. I thought counseling was going to be much more relaxed and leisurely than it is. I am amazed by the pace and intensity of this job. I'm going to love it!

The kids are adjusting at home amazingly well. This is another sign of attachment. Normally change causes extreme anxiety in kids with RAD.  They have really gone with the flow. They have been really respectful of confidentiality and have not asked any questions that are inappropriate even though I didn't really discuss confidentiality much with them.

This morning Teddy got up and made me scrambled eggs, toast and coffee.  He did a pretty good job!   The last 3 days with him have been amazing. As he talks and shares I am amazed at some of the stuff he is saying that is so level headed and calm. I asked him who he was and where Teddy went!! : )

There is a therapuetic parenting seminar on Saturday April 24, 2010 given by ATTACH.  It looks like a great workshop! The price is only $35. I down loaded the brochure on the link with all the info. I WILL be there so if any one goes please let me know so I can meet you. 

Have  a healing day! Remember to refill your emotional gas tank. I am having lunch with a friend and then later coffee with another friend.

Progress

Teddy has given us two wonderful days in a row. This evening he has been considerate, kind and thoughtful. Someone pinch me.

I began my internship this week and life is crazy. Bear with me as I adjust to my new schedule and I'll catch up more soon.

Does my child have Reactive Attachment Disorder?

This post is for any of you parents who have kids and wonder.  Maybe you have been to many doctors and therapists and no one can help. You cannot figure out what is going on with your child. I don't think you can get a diagnosis on line from reading some hick lady's blog from Nebraska. But I can tell you some things that would be a red flag that would say "It's time to meet with an attachment therapist for an evaluation".  Attachment therapy is different than other therapies and even when all others have failed there is a chance for success. So here we go:

Things that break attachment

adoption, foster care, early childhood illness that requires hospitalization or prolonged pain, parent physical or mental illness that separates them from the child physically or emotionally, changes in primary caregiver during the first three years.....These events do not always break attachment. They can just cause some attachment issues. There are some of those remarkable kids out there who are resiliant and get through it. It does effect many.

Symptoms:

I'd like to say first and very very importantly that these symptoms can be symptoms of other problems. Don't read them and say "Ah this is it". They do need to see a professional to rule out other things that have the same symptoms.
Attachment Disorder Symptoms
• Superficially engaging & charming

• Lack of eye contact on parents terms

• Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers

• Not affectionate on Parents’ terms (not cuddly)

• Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone)

• Cruelty to animals

• Lying about the obvious (crazy lying)

• Stealing

• No impulse controls (frequently acts hyperactive)

• Learning Lags

• Lack of cause and effect thinking

• Lack of conscience

• Abnormal eating patterns

• Poor peer relationships

• Preoccupation with fire

• Preoccupation with blood & gore

• Persistent nonsense questions & chatter

• Inappropriately demanding & clingy

• Abnormal speech patterns

• Triangulation of adults

• False allegations of abuse

• Presumptive entitlement issues

• Parents appear hostile and angry

This list is from Nancy Thomas' site.

I hope this helps some mom who is searching.  There are answers. Get help. Find support. To the right you will see a list of blogs from adoptive moms.  If my style is not one you relate to find one that you do. You are not alone.

Mom's Play

This afternoon Dancer and I took off by ourselves for about 7 1/2 hours. What a great time. We shopped til we dropped. Then had dinner at Famour Daves, then went and saw Did You Hear About the Morgans?  Very funny movie.  I feel refreshed more than I can say.  Take time for the mama to recharge the battery!

ER

Taz had an emergency room visit yesterday. First of all let me say he is fine. 

I dropped he and Teddy off at the Y yesterday so I could get a couple of hours too myself.  We had Christmas break. They went to school a day and a half and have been off for cold or snow ever since. It is much too cold for kids to play outside. We live in a small town and the roads were drifted over leading out of town. The roads  should be fine now so I may run away later today. 

Anyway, Taz was going to go swim. He was going out for the high school diving team. He really did not get the hang of the movements and was getting into a lot of trouble at practice. After he punched somebody we took him off the team.  Teddy was going to go lift weights. 

I ran some errands, stopped at Arby's and got a cup of coffee and just sat down with a magazine. As I'm opening the magazine the phone rings and I hear "Taz hit his head on the diving board and needs stitches. Come right away." My heart stopped as I am picturing the worst. I get there and he walks out and with "hi mom".  It didn't look bad but I took him in and we spent the next 2 hours at the ER. He ended up with a couple of staples. He says 4. I haven't had the courage to look yet. I am as squimish as they come. But since I have to watch for signs of infection I'm going to have to look.

A couple of RAD related issues, none of them involving Taz other than his incessant nonstop chatter for 2 hours. But he was nervous so I'll give him that.  Teddy was with us. He was in the waiting room. When I came back after about an hour and sat down for a few minutes he did not ask at all what the doctor said or how Taz was. He just showed me a rug burn on his elbow and said he needed to put medicine on that.  When Taz came out and we got in the car Teddy didn't say one word to him, not one word. It is hard to comprehend the depth lack of attachment effects them. It really is.  When things like that happen, it still surprises me. 

Hopefully today will be ER free!

Have a healing weekend.

RAD mornings

Teen RAD is something else.  If you have young kids do no put off their treatment. The younger a child is the more easily they are treated.  Do no wait!! We almost got treatment when our kids were very young. We could not get the therapist to call us back and finally gave up and tried other things. The other therapies did not work as they all involved the ability to use cause and effect thinking. Our kids do not have that.  I am seeing it peek its head out now and then with Taz but then when his fear is too great it disappears again.

Teddy has made small steps toward attachment as of late. Those of you who have seen your kids start to attach know that at the beginning that means huge escalation of their fears which shows up as anger and lashing out.  It means progress strangely enough. So that is what we are seeing. Just when I think I can't handle another day of his verbal assaults a little ray of sunshine shows through.

We have worked on morning routines for years trying to find what works.  When we first began attachment therapy a few years ago I found that making them a high protein breakfast while they sat quietly near me for a few minutes collecting their thoughts worked best. It was actually Nancy Thomas' strong sitting, similar to the lotus yoga pose.  It is NOT a time out, punishment or an unloving act. It is simply sitting in that position (legs crossed, spine straight, hands on knees, neck tall) for a few minutes while breathing deeply to calm themselves. We don't do it any more, but it did help with our mornings on those days.  We have always had our kids get dressed before breakfast on days when we have to go some place (school, church) as they wouldn't get dressed otherwise.  We then had them do chores before breakfast. 

Here is the current plan that works like a dream.  If they can get dressed in 15 minutes they can eat before they do their chores. They all love that idea so they do it.  They then can go have their quiet time (which for us is reading their Bible or devotional book and praying) if they'd rather do their chores after school.  This is working great.  Teddy has been eating this up and actually comes out and shares feelings and thoughts about what he had read. He just came out and thanked me for having him do this because he is enjoying it. ENJOYING IT!

Never, never, never quit.

Articles on RAD

We are having another blizzard. Holy Cow.  We can still get out and about today. It is 19 degrees and I actually caught myself telling someone it felt pretty good out today. It has been around 0 for awhile and is going back down that direction later today.  The boys are in school so far but we will see how long that lasts.

If you are looking for some interesting reading, here are some great articles.  I was looking for articles on trinagulation which are few and far between. Odd considering how common it is!

Nancy Thomas' articles are listed on the left of the page. Click those that interest you!

Attachment Disorder Maryland is a site I love.Once again. Click on the listings at the left.

The Attachment Disorder Site

Center 4 Family Devlopment Articles

Foster Care & Adoptive Community Articles

Love and Logic by Foster Cline articles

Deborah Hage Articles

Bruce Perry Articles

That is enough reading to last through this artic blast!! Stay warm!

Triangulation

Triangulation is common in kids who have RAD.  It is often mom-dad-child. It can be mom-school-child, mom-grandparent-child or even mom-therapist-child.  Triangulation is when the child acts one way in front of one person and another way in front of the other and builds up an alliance with one against the other. It can be deadly for relationships. I know many people who have to deal with this. Fortunately it is not an area that has been a real problem for us. My husband and I have talked about it from the get go. When the boys were little I'd see the attempts as they lashed out at me verbally. Dad would walk in the door and there was immediate silence. If I said "What did you say?" They would whisper "I know what you are trying to do."  Taz made the most attempts at winnng dad over against me. So one day we did snuggle time together, all three of us. We sat on the edge of the bed and I held Taz held and shoulders. Hubby sat next to me and held Taz's legs. By holding I mean gentle loving holding, not holding down. We both started talking about how much we loved him. Hubby rubbed his feet while I stroked his face and arms. We also told him that dad and I were a team. We would always be together and we would always be there for him.

He got up and went and threw up. I kid you not.

If your hubby still doesn't believe it is going on he needs to speak with someone who knows a great deal about RAD. Record some of what goes on. Wallie World has small recorders and play it back for him.  He needs to understand that trinagulation is a part of RAD and this child is fighting for their very survival in their minds.

School is tougher.  It seems that some years my child and the teacher did battle all year. It is like kids with RAD have a built in device that knows who they can fool and who they cannot. Other teachers would be completely convinced and feel they needed to be "the one" to stand by this child and save them. Simply tell them how much you appreciate their efforts. Remind them that you love this child with all you have and are getting them all the services you can and that you appreciate their support.  As long as the teacher is making their work more simple, expecting less and less and rewarding more and more the child will think they are great. It does the child no favors however as they end the year having not learned all they could have.  I don't think there is much you can do about it and I finally just left school issues to school when I could.

Extended family can be really tough because we care so much what they think. Remind them, too, of how much you love this child. Don't ignore the elephant in the room but speak to them privately and let them know they need to trust you. You are the same person they know and love and you need their support now more than ever.  Give them as much printed info on RAD as you can. Some people never understand RAD at all. 

Don't sacrifice yourself trying to please everyone. You'll lose who you are and in the end they won't all be happy anyway. Focus on your own little family in your own 4 walls. Triangulation is tough but needs to be nipped in the bud immediately by direct discussion.  Never, never, never quit!

Love never fails - Brandon Heath Cover

Just heard this song for the first time yesterday. I love it!

Jealousy

Yesterday Dancer turned 21.  As you know sibling birthdays are tough for kids with RAD.  While they do not want our affection they most definitely want our attention. Negative or positive attention makes no difference as long as they have it.

Teddy chose yesterday to ask if we could go shopping to spend his Christmas money.  "Not today Teddy".

We went out for lunch as a family to celebrate Dancer's birthday so you can imagine the effort put in there by him. He sat directly across from me and used every glare and dirty look he knows. After an initial "If you want to stay at the table with us you will have to control what you say" we moved on to chattering and talking about other things.  It is so hard for them when they are not the center of attention. Positive attention scares them so they try to control the conversation by getting everyone arguing. It did not work.

On a very happy note Taz had completely healthy interactions in the entire meal! Go Taz.

It is very hard with Teddy. When Taz began to heal we were deep into attachment therapy. He became explosive but we had our therapist to guide us through the mine fields.  Teddy has made some progress in attaching but we are doing it on our own as he went through the year and a half of attachment therapy and held firmly onto his fears.  17 is really almost a "stage of life". With our older kids it was really a time of beginning to separate and take on more repsonsibility and freedom.  Teddy is not ready for a lot of that and resents not getting it. Tough stuff.  Yet we know he may leave home in another year and a half (legal age in Nebraska is 19) and do whatever he want so we try to prepare him. Yet he doesn't want guidance. Tricky. So tricky.  He may have to learn from the school of hard knocks. Some kids are like that.  We still keep on keeping on. I feel we still have the responsibility up to the very end to do our best and keep loving. Some days that is very hard to do. When this 5'10" man child makes fists and declares his hatred, I have to look at the scared little boy inside. Sometimes he is hard to see. The little one is in there, none the less.

Off to get a pedicure....I received a gift certificate for Christmas.  I'll turn off the cell and sit back and relax for an hour. Heavenly.

New Year=New Beginnings

I'm not big on New Year's resolutions. I never ever keep them. I do think it is good to set goals in life though. It keeps me "living on purpose" instead of drifting along. I am back at Weight Watchers losing the same old 20 lb that plagues me every few years.

What about some RAD review and goals.

2009 was such a mix of successes and failures. No one who does not live with a child with RAD can begin to understand how hard it is. Every day. Hard. Hard.  It is hard to be hated by someone who you love so much. You know you have progressed though when you can remind yourself that under the hate is fear. Fear of abandonment. Fear of rejection. Fear of attachment. When I remember those things in the tough moments is when I parent successfully.  When I let myself be afraid: Afraid of rejection, afraid of the future, that is when I become angry too.

2010 goals for me: (as RAD related)

Continue working on teaching the boys to talk about their feelings, to get past what is on the surface to what lies beneath. The real stuff.

Work on their social skills. Practice reading my expressions, the expressions of those on tv (with volume off)

Work on life skills. Our boys are 14 and 17. We need to continue working on filling out job applications and practicing interviewing. We need to work on money management, budgeting.

Have fun. This is lacking not just for us but for them. When they were deep into RAD the only time I saw my boys smile was when someone had something bad happening to them.  They do genuinely smile sometimes now, Taz much more than Teddy. We need to play  board games, go out to eat, laugh and play. I went with our daughter, Dancer, to a place where you paint pottery. They fire it for you and then you pick it up in a week.  There were a couple of techniques non artistic kids would love (I used one of them as I am artistically impaired) I think I will take Taz back there in a couple of weeks for his birthday if he wants. I know Teddy would love it.

During 2010 I will continue to work on having fun with my husband and emotionally healthy kids. I will work on taking time to be alone and enjoy time with friends. It is so important to be "normal".

Cheers to 2010.