Refreshed

Hubby and I are back from our night away. We went to a nice dinner at Olive Garden, had massages at a spa and went to Sherlock Holmes. Just the ticket for some post holiday destressing. Today Dancer and I are going out for her 21st birthday which is actually tomorrow. She is very artistic and all of the little art studios are closed tomorrow. So today we are going to go paint pottery after lunch at a nice phoo phooish restaurant.

Focusing on the hubby and on relationships with the emotionally healthy children is vital to your personal emotional health. It is vital to family health.

Surviving Christmas break

Whew! We have had some tough days. I have to say I have had many days where I have let my own fears and anger take over and been rude. A chance to practice what I preach and start again.  I have been having my personal quiet times in a book series put out by Women of Faith. This particular book is on Embracing Your Strengths.  There was a sentence in the lesson a couple of days ago I loved

"It takes some time and though to redirect our lives away from responding to the demands of everyday life and into the path of purposely living lives in which we feel fulfilled and satisfied."

I easily slip into just letting life happen. I respond to what goes on instead of taking charge of what goes on. This is not good for kids with RAD. It is not good for me. I have to go into each day with a plan on how I will respond. Our RADlings are so predictable. Why not use that to plan out how I will respond. 

We picked up or dogs at the kennel yesterday and Teddy had one of the leashes.The dog needed to stop and "go".  Teddy fell apart saying he was going to puke. This discussion went on forever.  I finally pulled myself together and when he said "If you make me do that again I am going to fill your car with puke." I said "Good idea. You do that." To which his mouth dropped open and he walked away. Discussion over. I knew to do that in the beginning and let things ramble on.  The point is to have conversations on purpose and not let them wander around in relationship distructive ways.

I had the conversation mentioned by Christine about ways they could make sure they ruin this Christmas vacation.  Taz, who has been healing much longer said "How about if we come up with ways to succeed?" Hurray for Taz.

So this morning we are going to sit down and plan out what they would like to do today.Then we will talk about what they need to do to get to do those things. We have  more snow than the north pole currently so I'm sure going out into the snow will be top of their list. They have built a very cool fort.

This evening my hubby and I are going to a town nearby and spending the night. We have wonderful fun, relaxing plans made.  This is our Christmas gift to each other.

Live life on purpose.

So confusing

Sometimes parenting Teddy is so confusing. He is really in the up and down swing you see when attachment begins. I have always battled the issue of reading bad intentions or manipulation into his behavior even when it is not there.  He is taking a woodworking class in High School currently.  He decided his last project is my Christmas present. He began by saying "I am making you something in woodshop for Christmas."  Picture the little cartoon angel on one of my shoulders and the little red devil on the other.

Devil: "He has to make something and so he figures he might as well give it to you."
Angel: "He could have kept it or given it to a grandma and he chose you"

Then one day when he was mad he said "I am NOT giving you the thing I am making in woodshop." It is one of the days when I kept my cool and said "It is your decision."

Devil: "He always tries to hurt me and is never going to receive my love."
Angel: "Stay calm and look behind the words at what is going on. Address that."

The boys had a half day of school yesterday and met me at a local fast food place for lunch. Teddy came running in with his gift in a bag and said "Here. I cannot wait for you to open this. Your eyes are going to light up when you see this." I told him that part of growing up is learning to wait and that he should take it home and wrap it and put it under the tree.

Devil: "This gift is allabout him. He wants you to have to go on and on about him. I am going to here about this great gift daily for a month."
Angel:"Use this to attach. Accept it graciously and let him know how much you love him. Be the grown up."

These conversations go on in my head almost daily.  Please pray for me as I open his gift that I can shower him with love.

Good Morning America-RAD child returned to state

A friend just called me to tell me to look up Good Morning America's website and check out this article. This family has asked the state to take their child who has RAD back into the system. This is causing quite the debate on the website.  The state is telling the parents they must take the child back into their home.  My heart goes out to parents who are obviously living in fear. My thought is the state needs to offer them some serious support. It kind of appears to be an either/ or situation. They take him or they don't.

I'm sure this family loves their child with all their hearts. His diagnosis sounds complex.  I think the main concern of the state here needs to be getting the child the help he needs.  If in the home is not in his best interest, let alone that of his family, then they need to see he does gets more intensive treatment.

Prayer

My prayer for you this week:

I pray you find Christmas joy,
that in the midst of the chaos you find a quiet place.
That your child will calm long enough to connect with you for one of those powerful moments.
That you have strength, find support, and comfort in the arms of your loved ones.

Merry Christmas!

Getting to the bottom of it

Taz has been wired the last few weeks.  He is angry, defiant and somewhere just above wild.  He is keeping his grades up to As and Bs at school which I love, but is getting detentions, smarting off to teachers and me, and spending time alone in his room. Spending time in your room as a "healthy teen" (there really is such a thing) is normal. But a child who is angry and defiant and just tying to stay away from his family needs to be out of there. So last night I told Taz he needed to come read his book on the couch.  Reading is also his way of shutting out the world.  There are worse ways for sure.

I had tried hugging, talking and comforting earlier in the afternoon which all were just brushed off angrily by him. This time I sat next to him on the couch. He had his feet curled up so I made sure I sat touching them.  The converstaion goes like this and I'll tell why in italics. Oh! Background info! In the earlier conversations I discovered at the Y on Monday he hung out with a kid who is in world's of trouble. He has had the police called on him at the library, smarted off to people at the Y until kicked out and is hanging out with teen relatives that are headed for trouble. Taz was very defensive about "He's a great kid and my friend."

First I stopped to think about what the real issue is. What is driving him to want to hang out with someone like this. He is back to old thoughts about himself "I am no good. I am un lovable. I am bad." First step is to address those feelings.

Me: Taz you are going back to believing some lies about yourself. I love you so much. You are a smart, lovable, and sweet guy underneath the behavior. You are back to thinking of yourself as that unwanted foster kid. That isn't who you are anymore.

Taz's eyes softened and he nodded. I began to rub his leg and snuggled  a little closer. He slid his feet under me a little.

Taz has high school finals beginning today and was supposed to be studying for  a test. He was reading instead. He had been kicked out of a class earlier for refusing to do his work or stay in his seat.

Me:  I know you know how to be  a great student. Tell me about a time when you did well at school.

Looking for a past success here.

Taz: I got a 94 on a test once.

Ask how they succeeded.

Me: How did you do that? That is really impressive!

Taz: I studied (bingo)

Me: Really? How long did you have to study to get a great that good?

Taz: About 10 minutes

Reward and encourage that behavior with words. I should say he really probably only did study 10 minutes. This kid can remember things like you wouldn't believe.

Me: Really? Only 10 minutes. See! You are smart! A lot of kids could study all evening long and not get a grade like that.

Taz: I'm going to get my study guide out for my test. Will you help me study?

We studied for about a half hour as it was several pages.

This type of conversation can be used for a variety of subjects but here are the keys.

Look at what is under the behavior. The issue was not his friends but the feelings that would cause him to choose that type of a friend.

Ask about past successes and swoon over them.

Ask if they think they can do that again.  We didn't get to that point because he realized it on his own

Give it a try! Have a healing day!

You are a great mom!

I would hear that when my girls were little. When our boys came I'd hear it sometimes but also got the eye rolls, the glares and the looks of shock when we were out and about. When pushing the cart through the grocery store, Taz then 3, would roll off a string of words that would make a sailor blush.  When at the play ground mine would be the ones to shove people down. The school would call and one of them had punched someone again. It is hard on a mom.  We work harder on these kids than we ever had to with our emotionally healthy kids and get worn down.

It does not change that you are a great mom.  The dented walls, scratched car, torn clothes, they do not reflect you. They reflect pain.  Our kids are hurting inside. They were neglected or abused when they were little and their brains were changed.  Rewiring takes time.  Keep going. Empathy, gentle touch and loving words DO work.  Spend time doing some little thing, coloring, watching a Christmas movie. Oh by the way, there are continuous movies on TLC right now that are as sappy as you can get. I watched one with Teddy the other day and he was touched by it. You never know what will speak to them. They will grow up and leave one day. We have to believe we are empacting their lives.  Even those who don't show it much are going to grow up and leave and are still having that Ah Ha moment in their lives. I still have them about things, don't you?

So this Christmas give yourself a present. The present of happiness. It is a choice. You are doing a great job. Remember to care for your body, soul and spirit. This is tough work that can wear you down. Never, never, never quit!

Bigger Christmas

Everyone is talking about cutting back this Christmas. We are doing the same. We just have too many expenses.  And yet one part of our Christmas is bigger====my waistline. I am so aggravated by this. I know much of it is stress eating. I have finals for grad school, my last ones! Christmas is in about a week and I still have some shopping to do. I have no idea what to get my mother.  The boys are on this roller coaster of escalation, doing great one minute and then angry and explosive the next. So I turn to food. I am going back to Weight Watchers once again this evening. Yes. I am a repeat offender.  I am going to get back on track starting today. I will go walk on the treadmill at the Y. I will drink my 6-8 glasses of water. I will eat more veggies (already eat lots of fruit).  I really need to take better care of myself. It in turns causes me to take better care of my kids.  This car needs an overhaul!!

What Healing Looked Like

I can only tell you what the beginnings of healing looked like in our boys. They both have a long way to go. Small stressors in life are triggers that send them back into the fearful behaviors.  I love the above photo. It reminds me of how beautiful my children are. They live in the cold world of fear. They are frozen in time so to speak and can't wake up. 

When they started to heal their behaviors escalated. It scared them to death to know they were beginning to have feelings for this mom. It made them feel vulnerable and they fought it with all they had.They are past that stage. If your child is escalating in behaviors and you are either doing therapuetic parenting or in attachment therapy, don't lose hope. That was the darkest time for me. There is light. It gets better.

We have times of escalation now. This morning was one of those.  But we had a wonderful day yesterday. We had some great conversations. Taz and Teddy both were endearing and loving toward me several times. Those moments give great hope and see me through the dark ones. They also can be triggers to bring out the fear the next day. But when they are first healing...you don't get those sweet times. They will come. Never, never, never quit.

Art work and RAD

The above picture is one Teddy drew 2 or 3 years ago.  It shows the need to protect.  When I first started seeing this type of artwork and finding small home made sharpened weapons I was really afraid. After talking extensively in therapy we really felt it was not for aggression. It was for defense.  He always feels endanger.  I can't imagine how awful that must be.  He does also draw some very nice things. I'll have him draw something just for you all!

Another thing I had them draw was a bridge.  On someones website years ago, I do not remember whose, I came across the story of a bridge. Mom is on one side. The child is on the other.  The bridge is trust.  The child needs to come across the bridge to mom.  Our problem as moms is that if they take a few steps we run to them and KABOOM. They blow up the bridge. Then we are crushed and cry and think it will never end. What we really need to learn to do is stay on our own side of the bridge.  I asked Teddy and Taz to draw a bridge,me and them.  That was the only instructions I gave.  They knew the story of the bridge because we had discussed it many times. 

Taz had begun healing by this point. His picture was all differented colors. The sun and clouds were in the sky. He was half way across the bridge coming to me. We were both smiling.  There was a tree with green leaves growing near by. 

Teddy's picture was all drawn in black crayon.  He was about half way across but frowning. His fingers looked like daggers.  I was at the end frowning too.  In between were a bunch of people drawn in pencil but they were all erased. When asked he said they were a bunch of men he was fighting to get to me but he could not. I'm no art therapist for sure. It is pretty clear from all the pictures the kids drew what was going on inside them. Give your kids lots of drawing time. Not just coloring books but blank paper, crayons, paint, etc. It might give you some great stuff to talk about.

Sidewalk Prophets "The Words I Would Say" w/ LYRICS

I find my heart yearning for my kids to understand these words.

Finding Hope

Last month I signed up to receive an email newsletter from Ce Eshelman an Attachment Therapist in California. She said I could use her news letters on my blog. Thanks Ce! Below is her November newsletter.

[Ironically, my email delivery system failed during the Thanksgiving holiday, so this next sentence is...well...you decide.]

You are probably noticing a theme with me...can it already be November, Thanksgiving Day? Yikes! I say that every season, every newsletter. My time is always flying. Perhaps I will make this a seasonal email (rather than monthly) and my integrity will not be so compromised. Then again, maybe I will just be human, and busy, and behind in things not so important, as well as in things very important...the latter is you. You are very important in my mind, in my heart.

While the stuffing awaits the table and the pumpkin pie is in the oven for its 50 minute aroma reminder that it is indeed Thanksgiving Day, I will send you a note of gratitude:

I am grateful for you; for the love you give to your attached and attachment challenged children every day. I am very grateful you are alive on this planet, willing to give and give and love and love into what seems like a never ending well of ill-defined need.

Rest assured; your love matters. Often, I have been challenged about this..."Ce, I am doubting your sentiment—does love really matter?" Nancy Thomas, in her book Love is not Enough doesn't seem to think so. Trust me...I've met Nancy; she, too, knows that your love matters. All of us have to be both optimistic and realistic. Our ultimate goal is to change the trajectory of our children's lives just a little in a positive direction. If in the process of a little, there is a bunch, then exaltations are in order. Until then, celebrate the small changes, the little triumphs, the steps forward before the ones back. Perhaps that is the ultimate spiritual challenge—remaining hopeful and loving during the steps back.

Still, I would like to share a personal bit I am thankful for:

My daughter is about to transition home from her third stint in residential treatment. Three, count em. She is fourteen now and proud of her personal accomplishments. I am proud of her, too, and grateful for her growth as a person. Honestly, I had my doubts and I still have my doubts. Today, she happily peeled all the potatoes for our family dinner. Did you catch that? "Happily?" She dressed herself up—a little over the top, but not way too much and her makeup was "kinda normal" (When did I get this old?). So far, she is managing to share the attention in the room with the rest of the family. That is a big deal for her, for me.

I am grateful that I was able to tell her that I was anxious and afraid of her doing something she shouldn’t, making a slip of judgment, and messing up both my joyful experience of her and her own pride in her accomplishments. I told her that I wished I didn't feel that way because it didn’t allow room for her to be a kid and to make mistakes, to which she replied, "I understand why you feel that way...and I want to live at home with you, because I love you, because I love myself now, because...I don't know...it is just right..I know it’s okay to make mistakes, Mom. And you know I will!" We both had to laugh.

I share this conversation because it is a genuine exchange between us. This child, in the past, having attempted to break every window out of our house, having runaway repeatedly, having stolen anything and everything she could get a hold of that she wanted, having abused her autistic brother while lying about great and small things alike...and on and on.

So, my daughter is due to transition back home in February and I find myself with trepidation and gratitude. I am really enjoying her for the first time and I do not feel like a “bad mother” saying so. Her behavior was and often still is difficult for me to accept. Enjoying her is taking me by surprise. It is not 24/7 enjoyment (don't get me wrong), though I am grateful for these precious moments when the clouds clear. And when there is laughter.

For all of you who honor me with your life stories, your pain, your challenges, and your healing, I am grateful. Take a moment to list all that you are grateful for and trust that love does matter. Your challenges matter and your constant effort will change the trajectory of your children’s lives. Believe, persevere, trust...love matters.

My timer tells me it's time for the pumpkin pie to be rescued from the oven--Happy Thanksgiving.



Because love matters,
Ce

Please consider the environment before printing this email.

All Rights Reserved by Ce Eshelman 2009
You may send this to anyone who needs support.

It's a Brand New Day!

Every morning is a fresh start. Isn't that FANTASTIC!?! I work hard to restart my attitude, take time for a quiet time and rejoice that we get to try this again. I tell my kids "It's a new day. Let's start over and make it great". Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't.

We have 18" of snow in Nebraska. It is something or other below zero (does it really matter at that point?) We had 2 snow days and all activities were cancelled the last two days. That meant a lot of together time. Good for the kids but tough for them. Teddy reacted by pushing away. Yesterday when he started with his ranting and raving again "When I leave this stinking house I will never be back. You will never see any of your grandchildren. I'm going to sue you." It went on and on. After awhile he of course, felt guilty, because he has attached at least some to us. So then the healing conversation began.

He is a tough one that Teddy. He is 17 1/2 years old. He is nearing the age of being an adult. That has to be pretty scary to him. I told him the only person I knew who was sadder than me during that conversation yesterday was him. I felt bad for him. I said "You are so confused about it all." He was quiet. The conversation went on and on but I will end it by saying that today is a new day. We begin again. We start fresh. He will have opportunities today to make amends. There is always hope as long as they are breathing!

P.S. I have an excellent article I'd like to post but you can't copy and past with blog spot. Anyone figure out how to do this without just typing the whole thing again?

Best laid plans

Well now, wasn't yesterday's post nice? Bwahahahahahaha! We went out for lunch. I bought them new boots. We went to Movie Gallery and got DVDs. About half way through this process they let me know this was way to much closeness for them. We got home and I asked them to finish shoveling which erupted into screams of "YOU ARE SUCH A JERK" and "THIS IS WHY WE ARE ALWAYS MAD AT YOU". They do not get the idea of give and take relationships. They can not get their cup full. So....now that we have 18" of snow and are housebound we will have a quiet day. Mom will not be working on entertaining them today as she is exhausted from their words yesterday. So exhausted in fact that she may just work on Christmas cards, study for a final exam and take a little mini brain vacation. They are so afraid of closeness. So very afraid. Gentle touch, loving eyes. "I'm sorry Teddy. I'd love to take you out for lunch but I am so tired today from what happened yesterday I just can't do it." I'm not sure but I'm thinking that grout in the kitchen needs scrubbed. Does it look dirty to you?

Have a healing day!

Snow Day!

Some days God provides ways for my boys to burn off the energy. This is GREAT. Not only does it help out the family but I can greet them with a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. It will give me the opportunity to go on and on to everyone I meet about them shoveling the drive! There ARE good things about having 10" of snow! And it is beautiful.....And it DOES make it feel like Christmas!

Oh Phooey

I blew it this morning. Or blew up. Whatever you want to call it. Taz was in his usual wild flying high morning mode. Teddy kept putting himself in front of him. I finally lost it and turned into a raving lunatic. This resulted in complete silence on Taz's part and complete anger and RAD feelings on Teddy's part. They are definitely in different places. After they left I went to my room to my quiet corner which is really my retreat. I feel myself relax when I shut the door and sit in my chair to read. My quiet time this morning took me to Mary, the mother of Jesus. At about the age of 13 she was told she would bear a son. This engaged young girl who was still a virgin was going to have to tell the world she was going to bear the Son of God. She reacted by praising God for His gifts and all he had done. What a blessing to read just what I needed this morning. He lifts me up when I am down.

Getting a proper outlook

I had some kind of a sinus bug on Friday. This morning my husband and Fish woke up with it. Taz, Teddy and I went to church by ourselves. Right before church Teddy said he was going to come and sit with me so I wouldn't have to sit alone. Very thoughtful. Then he left an empty chair in between us??????????? Doggone it if I didn't keep focusing on that stupid chair. I worked hard at focusing on his being there and not at the empty space between us. Maybe it helps to remember the space between us was much smaller than usual. I say this because so many times I catch myself looking for the negative. I read things into their words and actions. Look for the healing. Look for the positive. It is better for my whole family when I do it!

Some times you just get through it!

I was thinking about Peggy Sue's comment yesterday about not having any decorations up and her kids still reacting to Christmas. Where does all the fear come from? Here are my guesses.

1. Old memories of Christmas' past, some bad, are stirred up.

2. The kids at school are wired. I think my kids feed off of that energy and just go one step further. If you picture a room full of hyper kids ours are the ones whose heads are popping up above the crowd as they leap on chairs and jump on other kids backs.

3. Warm fuzzies. Do you feel the warm fuzzies at times during Christmas? I do. When we turn on the lights to our tree. When I hear the Christmas carols. I just want to hug my whole family. Imagine those thoughts in a child afraid of love.

4.Changes in diet and schedule. The constant treats every where I go are TROUBLE for me and my diet. No problem for my boys. They shovel them in as fast as they can!! The programs have started and the parties will be soon. This means later nights. High school swim team has started too which means driving to other towns for swim meets.

What to do?

I try to keep our schedule and diet as close to sameness as I can. I try to keep things at home as much the usual as possible. BUT...it happens anyway. The hyperactivity, problems in school, escalation in anger all happen anyway.

So we just try to get through it. Remember the quiet voice, calming touch and loving words. I do believe in consequences but if we are not careful our kids have no privileges and live like prisoners. That isn't right either. I do think extra exercise and extra work duty help quite a bit. Keep their hands busy!

Remember to take care of yourself. Take time away to enjoy this season and have yourself a Merry little Christmas. You really still can.

Stop the madness!!

Some regression going on here. It is expected during the Christmas season. Doesn't make it much easier now does it. We went to Fish's first swim meet of the season last night. I stopped ahead and bought Subway before left. Part way through the meet Dad runs out and gets it out of the car. I know Teddy ALWAYS gets a ham and bacon with lettuce and tomato on Italian Parmesan. ALWAYS. He ate some nacho Doritos last time so that is what I bought this time....and a bottle of Sprite. He sat down and said these were the wrong chips. He started slamming things around. Hubby said "Move over to the side and eat." which put him about 5 feet away. He stomped down there and started screaming "I HATE YOU. I HATE ALL OF YOU" Public humiliation is always good for the soul. A little later a friend walked by. She pulled me off to the side and told me that Teddy had told her a few weeks ago how mean he is and that he is going to go live with a different family. Ack. I'm sure the progress he has made is scary to him. He apologized later. I accepted. We will have a big talk this evening now that he has calmed down and discuss where his feelings are coming from and what he will do as restitution.

Horrible moments become teachable moments if you work at it. Don't miss opportunities!

What a pill!

I figured out that Taz has not been taking his meds. These are meds for some conditions other than RAD. We use a pill dispenser exactly like the one above. He would go into the kitchen and juggle them around to make the spot for the day empty so it looked like he took it. I started watching the container and figured out what he was doing. Why would someone do this? Psychiatric meds are viewed as "different" by most people. I ask him what he would think if a cancer patient decided to skip a few days meds or if a heart patient did this. He thinks it would be dumb. This medicine is just as important. The person he hurt most is himself. Was this a RAD reaction or a 14 year old boy who thinks he doesn't need it any more? I'm guessing the latter. It took us many years to get a fairly clear picture of what Taz's needs are. Now that we feel we have them we just have to make sure he keeps on taking the meds. Exhausting.

Attachment Theory

One thing I have learned in the classes I am taking is that there are many theoretical schools in counseling. Many of them do not believe in dealing with past issues but focus more on solutions, family structure or current problems and how they effect your life. These are very important theories. For certain problems they are a valuable tool. Therapists generally have a few methods they follow and a philosophy that guides their practice.

An attachment therapist begins with the child's birth and works on what happened there. This may explain a lot of what happens when we take our child to a therapist who does not practice Attachment Therapy. There are other theories that follow this thought of the past influencing our life now. Attachment Therapy follows well researched methods that can make a difference in your child's life. If you have not tried it and your child is struggling please think it over. There is a list of sites to the right that list Attachment Therapists. We went through a list of therapists, psychiatrists and psychologists before we went to an Attachment Therapist. We were very frustrated by the time we found one. Don't let past bad experiences with therapists hold you back. This IS different.

Have a healing day!

Growing Pains

Taz is in the midst of his growth spurt. He is almost 15 and is not quite 5'4". At the beginning of the school year he was about 5'2". I'm guessing by the end of this year he will grow a couple more inches and then a couple for each of the next 2 years. That is the pattern Teddy has followed anyway.

What this means is that his meds are no longer at a level that works. So we are adjusting. We are trying Intuniv. It is a slow release form of an old med (guanfacine) which we had not tried. It will be interesting to see what happens.

For now, he could be the poster child for rocket boosters....only he doesn't need the boosters.

Fitting In

Do you know how it is if you try a club, church, or even a place of employment and you just don't feel like you fit in? I feel like a fish out of water in those situations. Our children face this daily everywhere they go. We try to so hard to have them feel fully accepted at home. Kids at school can be a different story.

In lower elementary I felt the children were, for the most part, so forgiving. They honestly tried to over look the comments my kids made. They included them in their fun. They even went to a couple of birthday parties, but not many. By upper elementary it began to fade and they started feeling that no one liked them. We worked on the social skills. What to say. Even more importantly what NOT to say. It didn't work.

Middle school....needs no explanation. It's a time in our lives where none of us would go back. You never hear anyone say "I wish I could go through puberty again." : )

High School can be a great time. There are football games, dances, youth group activities and all kinds of clubs to join. For the kid who doesn't feel he fits in any of those situations it is tough. Therapists always urge "Get your kids involved. Have them join a group." When I don't trust my own instincts and let them talk me into it, it turns into another opportunity for my child to fail. They need to find things they are good at. They need to excel. It cannot be in a group. At least not for mine. Teddy is a wonderful artist. It is a way of expressing himself. Taz knows more trivia about World War II than Roosevelt.

Even though my kids are in different phases of healing they still have a very tough time socially. For Taz, the nervous talking and blurting out are his main struggle. For Teddy it is different. He has a completely unique way of looking at the world. He is still in defense mode most of the time. He is just waiting for another kid to verbally assault, look at him or physically "get in his space". If you walk through the world looking for trouble, you are usually going to find it.

I always thought "If they could only see home as a safe place of refuge" it would help. Some days we are there. I think is important for everyone to have that safety at home.

In grad school we learned that 86 per cent of our interaction with loved ones needs to be positive in order to have a healthy relationship. Sometimes I am the one who needs to shut my mouth. We have a long way to go. It is a marathon not a sprint. One foot in front of the other. Never, never, never quit.