Trust

We join a small pool at a country club each year. It is the same cost as the big public pool but only a couple of blocks away. There are a lot of good things about this little pool. The lady who runs it is a high school teacher who is strict. It is close enough the kids can run up, come home for awhile and go back easily. Most kids in town want the big city pool with water slides and diving boards so there are not many there. Great for kids with RAD. When the kids were little I went with them. Now I will let Taz or Bear go one at a time.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon the teacher who runs the pool calls and says that Bear has hives and she wanted to make sure someone was home. He comes home with appears to be heat rash. It went something like this:

Bear: Mom, K--- says I have hives.

Me: Let me take a look. It looks like heat rash to me.

Bear: NO. K says it isn't.

Me: Take some allergy medicine and her is some hydro cortisone cream to help with the itching.

Bear: I think it might be because of all that fungus I touched the other day.

Me: What fungus?

Bear: When you made me wash that dish. (He had to wash out a dish from the frig that had some mold on it) I told K about it and she said that could be it.

When Taz is sick he likes all the attention he can get. He likes for me to snuggle the blanket under his chin and feel his head. Bear says the blanket is scratchy and readusts it. He says my hand feels cold (or hot) and he just wants me to leave him alone.

There is no trust.

I wonder how God feels when I don't trust him.

I'll break your things~You buy me things

Children with RAD break things. They have been moved from place to place during the early years often leaving all possessions behind. No one was careful with their hearts. They have been broken repeatedly. They do not value themselves. Everything they have could be gone tomorrow in their minds so of what value is it?

They want more. They have a hole in their hearts they think things will fill. They have a sense of entitlement.

I walked into Taz's room the other day. He was laying on the bedroom floor. He had the mattress on the floor on his right. The box springs on the left and the bed frame folded up to the left of that.

Long story short is that he jumped up and down on his bed and bent one of the parts of the frame and cracked the box spring. He weighs over 100 lb. I told him we do not replace what people break. We replace things if they are worn out. We replace things if they are outdated (sometimes). He immediately says "My night stand is outdated." Can we say "lack of cause and effect thinking". I pointed out the patched places on his wall, his smelly carpet (urine~his) and the fact that his bed is now on the verge of breaking. I told him when he shows he is strong enough to take care of what he has we will talk about replacing it.

Tough morning at our house. I would call his behavior close to psychotic. We will deal.

Adjunctive Strategies: Caring for the Grieving

I just finished a class called Grief and Bereavement Counseling. Grief is the suffering of loss. Bereavement is the time of healing and moving on from this loss. Some people get stuck in their grief and cannot move on through the bereavement process without help. It is called Complicated Grief. Are you seeing the similarities here between Complicated Grief and RAD? Our children are stuck in a form of grieving. We talked about several forms of counseling for people stuck in grief.

One is called Adjunctive Strategies. Adjunctive Strategies are really more or less homework a person does to promote healing and help in the bereavement process. I'm posting them here because I think they would be beneficial to our kids AND to the moms. They are a way of relaxing your mind and comforting your soul and body. This will probably take several posts.

First of all, I'd like to say that I believe none of these methods are in any way contradictory to my faith. Each can be done in an attitude of prayer and meditation. They are a way of reconnecting the body, mind and spirit. When we are stuck in grief we can feel very disconnected.

These start with very simple methods such as listening to uplifting music, soaking in a warm bath, breakfast in bed, gardening, fishing, etc. We think about how relaxing these activities may be for us, but what about our kids? Have we filled the tub with tons of bubbles and said soak away? I realize for young kids this would turn into a play time but what is wrong with that as long as they are supervised?

All of us need these type of activities in our daily lives.

Next is Labyrinth Walking which involves a spiral path. It is not a maze. It actually gets the left side of the brain working, the logical side which sometimes is not so strong during our tough times. Check out these websites: Labyrinth In the Society , Trinity Church, and Whispering Grove. You may walk through with palms facing down, reflecting on what you would like to receive from God on your walk. Stop at the center and pray. Turn and walk out with palms up reflecting on what you will do with what you have received. There are a couple not to far from here that I am anxious to try.

Reflect on how you take care of your body, mind and spirit today. Do you nurture yourself? Reflect on our kids. They do not value the body, mind or spirit God has given them. They are often filled with shame, low self esteem and may be even some self-loathing. These activities may help calm their brains too. There are several other activities I'll talk about later in the week.

Have a healing, reflective day!

People Say Thngs When They are Mad

Bear has been very angry at us for going out of town. We did this while his twin brother, Fish, was out of town at a swim meet/then missions trip. The anxiety is through the roof. I figure I can look at it two ways. He is "making me pay" which may be true. Or he is just so filled with anxiety and fear of abandonment while I am gone he is letting out acting on it rather than saying it. I have decided it is more productive to go with the second one. He has said some pretty cruel things to me upon our return whenever dad is out of the house. Makes me want to follow dad around!!! His justification is "People say things when they are mad that they don't mean."

A) He has just admitted he didn't mean any of it. Which says the fear was talking.
B) We are all (read:mom's included) responsible for what we say when we are angry whether we mean it or not. So this will be our topic for discussion for the day. Yesterday there was no talking only anger. Look under the anger, and you will find fear or sadness. Look under your own anger and you will find the same thing. fear or sadness.

Do I regret going out of town. NO WAY. My husband and I had the BEST time and I love reconnecting with him. It is worth it. It gives a chance to see where the kids are at. On a positive note, while Taz had some behavior issues before and after his attachment has once again shown to be coming along. We gave the boys money to go to a movie. Eagle dropped them off. Taz did well. Bear was afraid of kidnappers. Have a healing weekend!

Running Away

This evening my husband and I are going to a neighboring town to stay at a motel. We will eat out, catch a movie and go for massages. It will be about 24 hours of R and R. RAD can be hard on a marriage if you let it get between you. Remember to spend time together just having fun. When it is nice out my husband and I go play 9 holes of golf. We have no idea what we are doing. We don't keep score. We just have fun. It is out in the country, beautiful landscape and often no one else is around. We are not in a hurry. During financially difficult times we would sometimes just go to Burger King and buy a small drink so we could sit and talk. We don't talk about the kids. We don't talk about RAD. We just have fun! It is a healing time for us both. Remember to take care of your heart and his.

Blogging change~thoughts and questions

Here's the deal. In December I finish classes. In January I will become an Intern Therapist, student therapist, or whatever you wish to call it. Right now everything I have said on this blog is as a mom with no professional ties whatsoever. In January I cannot say that any longer. So here are my thoughts about my blog

1) Leave it as is but write a post stating that before this date all information on the site should be read as from a mother's perspective. All information after this date is still written from the mother's perspective but as a professional I will need to be careful what I say.

2) Some how change this blog into a website and categorize everything and stop blogging.

3) Leave this blog here and start a new blog as a professional.

I am concerned about liability, ethical issues and the mix of mom/professional. All advice and concerns from you are appreciated. You as other moms are my reason for being her and doing this. You inspire me, encourage me, encourage each other and sometimes give me a feel as to when I am on or off track with my kids. So I value your opinion on this greatly.

Enough RAD Drama for Day time TV!!

When my daughters were younger they liked the show Seventh Heaven. It was a mom and dad with seven kids. As the kids grew into teens, the drama became more serious. The conversations sounded exhausting.

I feel like those are the kinds of conversations going on at our house these days. With two college students and three teen boys (1 with RAD and 1 one healing from RAD) the serious conversations go on throughout the day and evening.

So why was I blindsided? I wasn't paying attention. Taz and Bear have been acting out loud and long the last couple of today's and today it really escalated.

I am now at Panera Bread with an orange scone, a cup of coffee and my laptop. I present my paper in Human Growth I class tonight and then it is over. I have Ethics in Counseling tomorrow night and then my summer begins.

BUT today Dancer went back to camp after a long weekend at home. Tomorrow Fish leaves on a two week swim meet and then missions trip. I should have seen this coming a mile away but I have been going from long conversation to long conversation and missed it. Taz and Bear have gone into full "fear of abandonment" mode. And I just now realized this is what is going on. Some days are just like that. Tomorrow the talk will turn to reassurance, commitment and fear. Never, never, never quit!

Social Skills

One of you suggested the book Teaching Your Child the Language of Social Success. Please stand and wave your hand. I started reading it last night and I am really impressed with this book. It is not just a little book with photos of faces that are happy, sad, etc. It is information on how to assess where your child is in the "social skills reading" and has some real practical advice. I can't wait to get started. It is by far the most methodical thorough book on the topic I have seen.

RAD and family vacation

Anonymous needs our help for her first family vacation. So please throw some ideas out there for her. Here is what I came up with. I will say we take few of them because our family is so big and it is a lot of $$$.

Car trips: Come up with as many car games as you can. Finding all the license plates in the US, finding the ABC's on signs, looking for certain colors of cars, car Bingo. Our kids have personal DVD players and get some good DVDs for time when you need them. I don't know how long your trip is. Get some healthy snacks for in the car because chances are the food eating out won't be that great.

Motel: Try to keep bed times as regular as you can. Cranky on top of RAD is BAD. Make sure the child does not have access to the motel door at night. You can bring an alarm if you need too but the dangers of them wandering through a motel alone are great. If you can get a motel with a pool so they can burn off some energy.

Physical activity: Kids with RAD need physical excursion. If you are on a long car trip or doing activities that don't involve much movement give them some running time. Have them demonstrate how to hop on one foot to that pole over there, walk backyards, crawl, etc. Find a playground so they can play for awhile.

In public: Have them hold your hand. Keep them close and watch them at all times. Kids with RAD require close supervision. Don't worry about what other people say about your child's behavior. They don't know. If you need to kindly reply "We're working on it" as ....one of you brilliant moms said.

Take along stacks of books, coloring books, as many activities as you have room for. Enjoy what you see with your child and point out interesting things around you. It is easy to get caught up in their behavior and focus on that. Instead of that, focus on all around you there is to learn about. Distract them by changing the subject and finding new things. Changing the subject often works for my kids because of their ADHD.

Don't take it all too seriously. Don't try to make the vacation perfect. Know there are going to be some tough times and just don't let it get too you. If necessary plan a little time for you to get alone to shop, see a movie or at least go to the motel lobby to read the paper and have a cup of coffee. Take care of the mom!!

RAD's public face

My children have two public faces. One is charming endearing behavior and one is loud anger and defiance. The first appears much more often. It is easy to read it as manipulation of the adults around them but I choose to believe it is because that is the time they are most comfortable and least threatened. When they are talking with strangers they do not feel the pressure of closeness or attachment. It sometimes relieves the stress of closeness they may be feeling at being out and about at a family event. It is unhealthy.

Examples:

We went to play LaseQuest a couple of years ago. We went into the chamber where they give directions. Bear and Taz went and stood with another family and chatted with them before and after the directions. After we were finished playing our family stood huddled discussing our scores. I looked up to see Bear huddled with a family of complete strangers discussing scores.

I went to a furniture store and was looking at ottomans. It was difficult to talk with the sales clerk because the boys were so busy asking her questions.

At Oceans of Fun last summer the boys tended to get behind us in line and talk with whomever was behind us rather than to us. This was to the point of the people behind us looking very uncomfortable and looking at each other as though very annoyed.

What to do:

Give complete instructions before we go out. "When we go out sometimes I notice you talk with strangers. This is not safe as we don't know who it is OK to talk with and who it is not. To keep you safe dad and I will form a net. Dad will be at the front, kids in the middle and mom at the end whenever we are in line. This is a family time so we would like to talk with you.

Before we check out at any store I try to remember to say "When I am talking with the check out person it is not the time to ask me questions. I also would like it if you did not talk with her as I am trying to take care of business and it is difficult to do this when you talk with her/him." If they cannot do this I have them go stand in a spot about 10 feet away and wait.

Going out can be frustrating because they treat us with anger and wrath so much of the time and then are perfectly sweet to strangers. Remember it is all about feelings of fear and danger. Mom's represent danger. Don't take it personally. Turn on the therapist inside yourself and stay calm. Quietly remove them from the situation by saying "I'd like for you to come stand over here. Under your breath you can say "We don't talk to strangers." or something of the sort.

Have a healing day!

O

Evian Roller Babies international version

Just to make you smile!

Medicaid and your child

If you are the parent of a child who has Medicaid as secondary or as their main insurance, you might want to check what is going on in your state. In Nebraska new rules and regulations have passed limiting who can work with Medicaid clients. You can read this article in the Lincoln Journal Star if you are interested. It is so difficult to find services for our kids as it is, I cannot imagine making it harder. I feel for those parents just starting out trying to figure out how to find services in our state.

As a student I am trying not to worry about this. I have 6 months until I start my internship and then several months before I become provisionally licensed. Who knows what the laws will say then? If they remain the same I will just have to work hard to find internships and provisional placements. So be it.

As a parent, I find the trend alarming. Check what is going on in your state! If you live in Nebraska and feel so inclined speak to your senators about the difficulties as a parent and state your concerns.

Have a healing weekend!

What if we could see the arrow in their hearts?

What if we could see RAD? Maybe some type of scan that made the painful areas light up. Maybe if we could see the arrow in their hearts. How would we react to their behavior then? I hate to compare children to a dog but it fits here. When a dog has been injured it sometimes snarls or bites at those who are trying to help. It is afraid and thinks you are hurting it and are going to make the hurt worse. Much the same our children snarl and snap at us assuming the hurting they are feeling is coming from us. Today when your child is angry try picturing an arrow in their hearts. Go to them tenderly and work on helping them feel safe and comforted.

And the Beat Goes On

I went for coffee this morning with a friend who has also adopted 2 girls with RAD. We have met for years about once a week and vent, share and encourage each other in ways other people cannot. I arrived home to find that Taz and Bear were in the backyard screaming and yelling and that Bear had punched Taz in the face. Taz ran in the house and locked Bear out which is actually understandable considering he was trying to hurt him. I'm sure our neighbors enjoyed the show. I'm thinking we should sell popcorn at the next showing and possibly ring side seats.

Seriously though I am concerned. Bear has counseling tomorrow and we need to talk about Bears increasing aggression. I went to the Y and took both of them with me and kept them in separate rooms. When I leave for school I will drop Bear off at the library to make sure he is separated from Taz.

There have been a lot of talks about how to handle anger. What to do when you feel things are unfair. There have also been talks about the money which is still missing. It is obvious that one is acting out because of guilt. The other is acting out at being suspected. But which is which?

I was having my quiet time this morning and came across this verse.

"Our sufficiency is from God." 2 Cor. 3:5. He will give us the strength and the wisdom we need in knowing how to handle this situation and in knowing when to seek out further services.

Eating Out with RAD

When I eat out with my boys alone it such an odd experience. When the whole family is together they are busy with each other. But when it is just me and them it is too close, too intimate for their comfort. They turn side ways in their chairs and face out word and avoid any contact. They turn around and look at the people behind them or read things on the walls. They do anything but acknowledge that I am there. I have played with the whole thing to see if I am imagining it. If I allow them they do not look at me or say a word to me the entire meal but turn a different direction the entire meal. I've eaten with the other kids alone to see if it is just a kid thing. Nope. They all sat and talked with me, discussed the food, talked about what they have been doing with friends. Normal kid stuff.

So here's what we do....Ask questions about what they are eating, their day or what they'd like to do. Tell them a story from when I was a child. Talk about something they are looking at and show I am interested too. The important thing is just reconnecting without nagging or scolding. Find ways of gently bringing them back in. RAD creeps up about anywhere doesn't it? I hope you all had a great 4th. We are still dealing with the missing money and trying to do it in a loving and yet firm way. Never, never, never quit.

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten ( feel the rain on your skin ) HQ

My Invincible Summer

One of the classes I am taking this term is Grief & Bereavement Counseling. It is going to be very helpful in working with children. RAD develops, in part, due to being stuck in deep grief. Obviously it is more complex than that but it is a big part of it. The video we watched last night was about people who had terminal illness and were nearing the end of their lives. Each saw the experience in a different way and approached it in a different way. One lady said she felt she had fallen into a long long winter emotionally. The way she was surviving was by finding her Invincible Summer within. It helped her see her time left in a different way. We, as parents, need to look within and find our Invincible Summer. The part of us that can relax, enjoy the summer weather, the fire works, the homemade ice cream, pause to read a book Have a great 4th of July.

When things are bad, look within for your Invincible Summer.

Tumultous RAD

Tough week here. The boys have been stressed about dad. Then to top it all off both Eagle and I have birthdays tomorrow. That is just TOO MUCH for RAD. Eagle and I are going to go for pedis in the afternoon. I have class tomorrow evening. Hubby is still hobbling around pretty much so Eagle and I are going to go out for Sushi before class at a place that is FABULOUS! We gave Eagle $100 cash for her birthday gift early. It was stolen. There were only 2 children home during the time it could have happened. I don't need to name names. We have searched high and low and cannot find the money. Some people are under house arrest so that they cannot spend it. There is oh so much more that I cannot share. I think I can.. I think I can... I think I can....